I Miss River Phoenix

I know you look at me and think that I probably have the most sophisticated taste in movies EVER. You probably think that I learned to read by seeing French movies with subtitles, that I can quote early Woody Allen films verbatim, and that my godfather is Akira Kurosawa.

Shockingly, my cinematic tastes are surprisingly mainstream. Sure, I like to see indies like The Red Violin and The Crying Game because hello, I’m cultured, but my two all time favorite movies are Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory and Stand By Me.

River Phoenix Stand By Me

Stand By Me. I first saw the movie when I was in second grade at me friend Noelle’s house. Her mom had rented it for us not realizing it was, gasp, Rated R! There was swearing and a dead body. Hello, heaven!

Through the years I saw the movie over and over. I watched it one time with my father who became obsessed. “That’s how we were!” he exclaimed. “We’d go off for hours and camp and hang out!”

And yes, my father also liked cherry-flavored Pez.

 

Stand By Me is so. f—ing. good. I hate to swear (ha!) but it really is. It makes me laugh, cry, and rips my heart out. Especially since it’s just a taste of how amazing River Phoenix was at such a young age. The movie was released in 1986, the year Phoenix turned 16, so he was probably 15 when he filmed it. 15! All of the actors were young and insanely good in it–even Corey Feldman (WHAT a waste.)–but it’s especially poignant to observe Phoenix because of his own tragic path.

Stand By Me, as you recall, follows four friends (Phoenix, Feldman, Wil Wheaton and a super adorable and chubby Jerry O’Connell) in Oregon searching for a dead body. Even though they all live in the same town, they come from different backgrounds. Gordie (Wheaton) hails from a good family while Chris (Phoenix) and Teddy (Feldman) come from the wrong side of the tracks. Vern (O’Connell) is the lovable sidekick. As they go on their adventure, they realize different things about themselves. Wow, that’s a really perceptive sentence I wrote!

In the off chance you haven’t seen the movie, I don’t want to tell you what happens, but I will say this. River Phoenix will break your heart in a completely unsentimental and primal way. And that’s why his death on Halloween 20 years ago STILL upsets me. This was in pre-TMZ, pre-Internet days. I honest to God remember it happening. He collapsed outside the club The Viper Room in the early morning hours of October 31, 1993. He was pronounced dead at 1:51AM. The cause was drug-induced heart failure. He was 23.

The following week my friend Beth and I rented the movie My Own Private Idaho which starred Phoenix and Keanu Reeves. We loved it because it seemed like the cool thing to do, but seeing how it was about a couple of gay hustlers out West I am sure it went WAY over our suburban heads but we pretended we were hip enough to get it.

It’s been 20 years since River Phoenix died and I still get a twinge of sadness when I think of what he could have become. I feel like he would be a sort of Johnny Depp type, except less costumey. Who knows.

Anyway, now I want to rewatch Stand By Me.

Get ready to cry.

 

 

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Set Your DVRs for December 12!

Because the time is right and Bob Barker will return to the BEST TV SHOW EVER for all dogs, cats, and conscientious shoppers.

I still have dreams about spinning that wheel.

I still have dreams about spinning that wheel.

Oh hells yes, Mr. Barker will appear on The Price is Right on December 12 to celebrate his, wait for it, 90th birthday!

Someone else is excited!

Someone else is excited!

Home boy, or more accurately home senior citizen, will pre-tape the show, which will air during a week-long celebration of one of Mr. Barker’s “pet” causes . . . pet adoption! I’m so clever!

Also–any aspiring gold-diggers better hurry up. Barker plans on giving away all of his money to charity and, in his own words, he intends to “die broke.”

Love the man!

 

 

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Robin Thicke Doth Protest Too Much

I try to be humble in my day to day life but I must admit I’m a bit of a scholar when it comes to pop culture. What can I say? I’m a genius.

Yahoo!

Yahoo!

So it’s only natural that I’m going to weigh in on when a celebrity makes a really profound statement about their sex life with their spouse. Ahem.

In an interview with Elle magazine, which I read via People because, hello, I am not some fancy French fashion-loving person, Alan Thicke’s son Robin talks about what happens between the sheets with his wife, actress Paula Patton. Get ready to barf.

They are attractive. I can admit that.

They are attractive. I can admit that.

On how they keep it hot after 20+ years together (they met in high school):

The spice is not our problem. We’re overspiced. We could probably take a few spices off the shelf.

On their soundtrack to love-making, which is naturally his own music:

In fact, she likes to do it more than ever now. Sometimes she’ll even play groupie for me.

On how his dad Dr. Seaver was not that innocent:

Sexy!

I love a good leather jacket.

He had an indoor Jacuzzi, and he frequented it. The first time I saw a naked woman was when I went to take a shower one morning before school. I was like, Who is this girl in my shower?

Okay, so the last one is not about conjugal sex but still. Ewwwww.

Robin is not the only guilty party. Paula has also been known to spout off about Robin’s private parts, which he famously claims are really big in the video for “Blurred Lines.” In an interview with Glamour, home girl explains:

Robin’s like, “Listen, if I’m, you know, in the Miami Heat’s locker room, I don’t know where I stand, but.…” But I think that the statement is fairly accurate!

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m happy that you have a healthy and awesome sex life behind closed doors. But here’s an idea . . . why don’t you keep it behind closed doors! No need to brag all the time!

Also–I’m always weary of people who talk about how amazing their sex life is every chance they get. I think Heidi Klum used to do that, and look what happened to her and Seal!

Call me crazy and cynical, but I imagine we’ll be hearing about a Robin Thicke/Paula Patton divorce in the near future.

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Orlando Bloom is Kissing a Cosby Kid!

All right, I am SLIGHTLY exaggerating with my headline but hello, wouldn’t it be amazing if Orlando Bloom was swapping spit with a grown-up Rudy?

RELAX. She's 34 now.

RELAX. She’s 34 now.

Before anyone sues me for libel (hahahaha good luck with that. The only thing of value I own is almond butter. That sh–‘s expensive!), allow me to explain. The artist formerly know as Legolas announced his split from wife Miranda Kerr today.

Can you blame him?

Can you blame him?

Today he also appeared on Live with Kelly and Michael, where he talked about kissing Condola Rashad, who plays Juliet to his Romeo in the Broadway revival of Romeo and Juliet written by some British guy who’s dead.

He looks so happy!

He looks so happy!

Ummmm . . . Condola is Clair Huxtable Phylicia Rashad’s daughter!

Now, I’m not saying that Condola is the reason why Bloom and Kerr are separating. Who knows why they actually split. It’s none of my business (ha!). BUT there were rumors floating around that Kerr might have, get your barf bags ready, hooked up with Justin Bieber. Yes, I just threw up a little too.

Orlando, if you need anyone else to kiss I’m available. 

 

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This Does Not Blow Me Away

This is really WEIRD. I thought the show was called Good Morning America, not Good Morning Ridiculous People Who Live in Manhattan and Spend Too Much Money on Sh– That No One Else in the Country (or Outer Boroughs of NYC) Can Relate To.

George Stephanouspolos is a real hunk.

George Stephanopoulos is a real hunk.

Apparently, I was wrong.

See, Sandra Ballantine lives in New York City and she has a problem. An addiction if you will.

What, overpriced cupcakes from Crumbs?

Noooommmmm.

Noooommmmm.

Maybe the very exclusive cronut?

I don't get it.

I don’t get it.

Nope, it’s far worse.

She goes to the salon to blow out her hair three times a week, spending up to $250!

I've seen better.

I’ve seen better.

This is news because why? Damn, my grandmother has been doing this for YEARS and spends a lot less money.

Let’s enter this one into the “And Not a Single F— Was Given” Hall of Fame.

You can watch the full video here. Get ready to gag!

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Murder, She Wrote May Be Written Again!

Oh snap! Someone fan me and then lay me down on my bed (knobs and broomsticks) because Murder, She Wrote is getting its next chapter!

F--- yes.

F— yes.

Oscar winner Octavia Spencer is set to star in the reboot, which will air on NBC. Let’s just hope the original Jessica Fletcher, Angela Lansbury, makes MANY guest appearances.

I know she will be making them in this blog! Let’s start now!

She's excited too!

She’s excited too!

She'll be shocked if it isn't any good.

She’ll be shocked if it isn’t any good.

Foxy lady.

Foxy lady.

Eat your heart out Jane Fonda!

Eat your heart out Jane Fonda!

The ORIGINAL Jessica Fletcher.

The ORIGINAL Jessica Fletcher.

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Clint Eastwood is Back on the Market!

Thank you Dina Eastwood. You just went ahead and made my day!

You so dirty!

You so dirty!

On Monday, Dina filed for divorce from her husband of seventeen years, some old fogey named Clint who used to look like this.

Yes please!

Yes please!

Clint, 83, passed on his sexy genes to his son Scott, 27.

I'll take one of those!

I’ll take one of those!

He passed on his musical genes to eldest son Kyle, 45.

Clint composed the score for the greatest movie in the world The Bridges of Madison County.

Clint composed the score for the greatest movie in the world, The Bridges of Madison County.

I can’t wait to see what kind of genes he’ll pass on to OUR kid. What, too soon?

I hope I even get the chance to seduce Clint. He’s already moved on to dating Erica Fisher, 42, whose ex-husband Scott is courting Dina.

I'm cuter.

I’m cuter.

Fingers crossed that it will work out in my favor!

 

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Let’s Hope These Two Never Get Together!

In case you were wondering, YES. I have booked my ticket straight to H-E-Double Hockey Sticks because that’s where I’ll be going when God (or Lucifer?) decides my time is up on this Earth.

He looks like fun!

He looks like fun!

This time I’m going to the land down REALLY under because I’m already playing matchmaker with the two most important babies born this year (besides my niece!).

Yup, that means Prince George of Cambridge, aka George Alexander Louis, the little rascal born to Prince Will and wifey Kate Middleton, and North West, spawned from the most humble human beings on Earth, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West.

So subtle, these two.

So subtle, these two.

And by playing matchmaker I mean keeping these two far, far apart.

Sure, both babies are super cute and, oh my God, the cheeks!

Adorbs!

Adorbs!

 

Well, at least in the pre-North West days.

Swoon!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And like I said–I know I’m going to Hell because what kind of species makes fun of innocent babies?!?!? Uh, this girl, duh!

But we simply cannot merge the kingdom of the UK with the immeasurable land of Famewhoredom which, unfortunately, North has inherited.

I can, however, get behind George marrying my niece because I’ve always wanted to go to a royal wedding!

 

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This is Going To Last!

Kim Kardashian loves many things in life.

For example . . .

Herself!

So cute!

So cute!

Herself in a bathing suit!

Always nice to see someone so pure wearing white.

Always nice to see someone so pure wearing white.

Herself in shoes!

looks comfortable!

looks comfortable!

Herself in her engagement ring from 2011!

From husband # 2 Kris Humphries!

From husband # 2 Kris Humphries! Yup, that’s right there was a secret first husband!

And now we have one more thing that she loves . . . her baby latest engagement ring!

Yes!!!

Yes!!!

That’s right folks, Miss Kardashian is off the market. Kanye West proposed on Monday and she said yes!

I’m not a betting woman but what’s your over/under on this marriage lasting more than two years? Is that even the correct term??? All I know is I believe in love again.

Thanks Kanye and Kim. I send my regards.

 

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Boy Meets Wife!

Confesh: I never watched Boy Meets World. That said, I do know about the myth of Topanga.

Is that a f---ing Monchichi doll???

Is that a f—ing Monchichi doll???

So that’s why many men ages 28-33 will be SUPER sad to know that Danielle Fishel, the actress who portrayed To, is off the market! Home girl, 32, married her college classmate Tim Belusko on Saturday, and I love her even more because he’s 25! You go girl!

He looks an actuary. Love!

He looks an actuary. Love!

But that’s not the only Boy/Girl who’s all grown up! Rider Strong–and yes, that IS real name–also got hitched this weekend! The man formerly known as Shawn Hunter exchanged vows with actress Alexandra Barreto yesterday.

His facial hair is questionable, but she sure is pretty!

His facial hair is questionable, but she sure is pretty!

Luckily, as far as I know, Cory/Ben is still available. PHEW.

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