The DVR Files

Okay, normally in the esteemed halls of The DVR Files we only discuss television. But because our girl Katie Holmes was on the hit show Dawson’s Creek back in the day, I have deemed it entirely acceptable to gossip about the sad conclusion of her sham of a marriage to couch-jumper and one time Maverick Tom Cruise!

They just won the nomination for fakest marriage in all the land!

Now, let’s not even pretend we’re shocked even thought People Mag asked us “What went so wrong so quickly?” Really, People? Really? As a fan, you think I might be “searching for answers,” but I’ve got them right here! One, Tom is gay. Two, he’s a Scientologist. And three Katie Holmes is a zombie. Maybe she can get a role on The Walking Dead?

I just pray that Tom pays enough child support so that Suri will always be well dressed. And I don’t want Katie to lose her daughter the way Nicole never gets to see Connor and Isabella. So Katie, run!!!

The sad thing is she probably signed such an ironclad prenup that we will never get the tell-all book we so deserve. So now I’m just going to have to become friends with Katie and get her drunk so I can find out what happened!

Well, HERE is a surprise. Anna Paquin, the actress who plays Sookie on the deathly serious Civil War drama True Blood is TOTALLY OKAY with doing sex scenes with Alexander Skarsgard.

I may not be your master, Sookie, but I will make you cry out into the bayou for all of eternity.

Even though Anna is married to costar and all around boring vampire Stephen Moyer/Bill Compton–she’s even expecting her first child with him!–she explains that “Everyone is respectful of each other’s boundaries … They’re all very gentlemanly about it.”

Bahhhh, I say. Cast me as a vampire/virgin/slut and I will let Eric Northman bang me every which way to Baton Rouge (sorry Mom!). Respect and gentlemanliness can go right out the door. Just saying.

Grab a bottle of wine and loosen up that chastity belt, because everyone’s favorite freak show is back! That’s right kids, on July 18 the Virgin Diaries returns to TLC, the cable network formerly known as The Learning Channel and now home to educational gems such as Extreme Couponing, Long Island Medium, and My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding. 

Yup, I was a late bloomer. Shiver me tits!

Virgin Diaries first premiered on December 4 as a one off special. It focused on a group of 20 and 30 somethings in the US and Canada who still desperately held onto their v-card, though not by choice in the case of 25-year-old Carey (a boy). Here’s a hint–go to a bar, get really drunk, and you’d be surprised what you can take home . . . maybe even an STD!

TLC thought it would be a GREAT idea to continue to exploit inexperienced adults, so they’re back for Round 2 in just three weeks. I for one am SUPER excited and can only hope we get to watch another first kiss ever on a wedding night. At the very least, we have Skippy, a 34-year-old Mormon who thinks about sex ALL THE TIME, according to him. I laugh and laugh at this notion because you know Skippy only dreams of, say, Legos. But whatever floats your boat.

We will talk again in a few weeks!

Oh, how I miss the 1980s. There were so many good things happening then like Halley’s Comet, Gremlins, and Sit ‘n Spin.

Sit ‘n Spin . . . the training toy on how to handle the spins as an adult!

The 1980s were also a time of great cultural awareness. We cared about things like hating Russians (I’m talking to you mini-series Amerika!), acid rain, and of course starving children in Africa. We cared about them SO much that in 1985 we even made a hit song about helping them called “We are the World” that featured EVERYONE.

I remember going to my friend Nicki’s house back in first grade because she had CABLE and we would watch this video over and over on MTV. We used to kiss the tv screen when Bruce Springsteen appeared. And today when I watch it, snark aside, I am truly moved. It is a great song with so many superstars in once place at the same time–it’s kind of like watching a Presidential funeral on tv, which I also happen to enjoy. You’ve got Lionel Richie, Cyndi Lauper, Michael Jackson, Bob Dylan, Willie Nelson, the frigging POINTER SISTERS! Everyone was there!

Now, flash forward to the 1990s which desperately wanted to be the 1980s, at least in terms of socially aware songs. 1991 came along and brought with it the first Gulf War. Support for Operation Desert Storm was certainly more widespread than it is for the war today. And Peter Cetera, Linda Thompson, and David Foster were all, why should 1985 be the year of the last great anthem with top recording stars? So they wrote the song “Voices That Care.” They even made a special documentary on the song hosted by James Wood that I TOTALLY remembered watching in sixth grade.

Now, over twenty years later, I appreciate the effort of “Voices that Care” but I have to say it is no “We are the World.” Whereas the latter featured Diana Ross, Tina Turner, and Billy Joel, “Voices” had Cindy Crawford, Will Smith, and Daisy from Dukes of Hazard. A very pretty cast, for sure, but not as rocking ‘n’ rolling.

But whatever, I don’t want to sway your choice. I’ll let you decide on what is your fave. I care about your voice.

Hey all!

Remember years ago there was this really cool show called Full House about a widow in San Francisco who raised his three daughters DJ, Stephanie, and Michelle with his brother-in-law Jesse and his bff Joey? It was SO original and innovative and cutting edge.

Perhaps the greatest star to emerge out of the show was Andrea Barber, the young actress who played Kimmy Gibbler, DJ’s best friend.

How rude!

But of course the one/s that are the RICHEST are those goddamn infant twins who played Michelle, Mary-Kate and Ashley. After Full House ended its run in 1995, the girls started their own production company, starred in one hundred billion direct to video movies, and one even became anorexic! Too soon?

To us who grew up with the Olsen twins, they will always be those little girls who weren’t even that cute as babies. I’m sorry, but it’s trues. Bitches just got lucky that they have ambitious parents. At any rate, it’s still weird to see Mary-Kate and Ashley living as adult women, but they ARE 26, so I guess it’s okay that they date adult men.

But I’m not gonna lie, I am SEVERELY CREEPED OUT to see that Mary-Kate’s new beau is Olivier Sarkozy, the 43-year-old half brother of former Prez of France Nicolas. It’s kind of like if a pre-Vanessa Paradise dated Bill Clinton’s brother Roger. This union of Hollywood and international politics is just so bizarre and it does not help at all that Mary-Kate looks like a kid standing next to Olivier.

Which one is the girlfriend and which one is the child? You decide!

I suppose I wish them happiness. I mean, stranger things have happened (Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise I am talking to you!). I hope Ashley doesn’t get too jealous. Perhaps she could date Aaron Alexander Cameron, the Prime Minister of the UK’s brother!

Goodbye for now!

A lot of you kids today are fans of rap music. Cool! You might even like the rapper Drake, the Lenny Kravitz of the hip hop world (black dad, Jewish mom, though Kravitz’s are reversed). He has hit tunes including “Best I Ever Had” and “Find Your Love.” Perhaps Drake’s greatest acclaim is banging Rihanna.

I’m tough!

But for us die hard fans, Drake will always be Aubrey Graham, the Canadian actor who played Jimmy Brooks, the good-natured basketball player turned paraplegic who got shot by Rick on Degrassi: The Next Generation.

So happy and innocent!

So you can imagine our utter shock when Drake started a brawl with all around good guy Chris Brown.

Puppies!

Peace-loving Jimmy Brooks would NOT be okay with this. He’d pull Drake aside and be all, yo, fool, what are you doing? We need to be friends with Chris, even though he’s done some questionable things like beat the crap out of a woman! I mean, remember when wheelchair-bound Jimmy was taunted by weaselly Derek on the basketball court? They became friends!

So Drake, I implore you to turn the other cheek and ask your self “What Would Jimmy Brooks Do?” And then go back to Ashley, you two belonged together.

Hey world!

One of the biggest challenges of being a really important and super busy person such as myself is that I don’t have a lot of time to watch tv during the week. Hence, I DVR everything, and hence the name of this brilliant blog, The DVR Files. Ta da! Aren’t I clever?

Naturally, I try to catch up on all my shows over the weekend, which can be complicated by the fact that I have a very crowded social calendar and everyone wants to hang out with me. Tough life, I know. But I still made time this weekend to watch a bunch of tv, and here is my report!

Sorry, Jesse Metcalfe, J.R. still has the best eyebrows on Dallas.

Let’s start with Dallas, or as I like to call it, Bobby Ewing is still a fox and J.R. is still a bad ass! This continuation of the series our parents watched features key players from the original cast (Patrick Duffy, Larry Hagman, and Linda Gray, who has not looked this good since her Models Inc. days) plus a slew of new peeps, including Desperate Housewives alums Brenda Strong and Jesse “I can’t act myself out of a paper bag” Metcalfe. The show is shallow, trashy, and fun! Verdict: Guilty of being fabulous. I will be watching.

Next I caught up on a week old episode of Dateline where a man’s wife died after getting a spray tan. He said it was an allergic reaction or a heart attack, the prosecutors said murder! In a shocking twist, he was actually found innocent! Truth be told, the whole case was super strange and lest anyone thing I’m being libelous, I don’t think he did it anyway.

And what’s a weekend without a little lesbian action between friends? I watched a two weeks old episode of Girls where Brian Williams’ and the drummer from Bad Company’s daughters made out in front of a rich yuppie in Williamsburg because why not. The show is doing the unthinkable–making me actually think Hannah is the most likable out of all them. Oh uh!

This is exactly how I spent my 20s! Oh, girls!

Finally, I watched the pilot episode of my new favorite show on cable, Longmire, starring Ritchie Valens wannabe and ethnically ambiguous Lou Diamond Phillips, who is playing an Indian named Henry Standing Bear this time around.

So there you have it! I have a lot of homework this week: True Blood, The Killing, and the entire season of Game of Thrones. This will be an intense summer!

Poor Lou Diamond Phillips. Until today, when I heard that name all I could think was he died in a plane crash in La Bamba, won the second season of I’m a Celebrity . . . Get Me Out of Here!, and that he could play any ethnicity under the sun. Sure, he is handsome and talented and probably much richer than I will ever be, but he  also always has to live with the fact that his first wife left him for Melissa Etheridge. And then ended up going back to men!

Still a babe at 50! I can’t believe Julie Cypher left him!

Well, today I made a very wise decision that made me change my opinion on the current status of everyone’s favorite Young Gun. I started watching Longmire on A&E, the cable home of addicts and hoarders across the nation! I had started DVRing Longmire two weeks ago, but I had fallen way behind on my television viewing and thought about just deleting it since it was about a sheriff out in Wyoming, and I’ve never been one for Westerns. But I thought, what the hay, it’s Sunday and I’ve got some extra time. Plus I had just been to Idaho and I am obsessed with that part of the country so I thought I’d give it a whirl.

And I am happy I did! I didn’t even know Lou Diamond Phillips was on Longmire, but alas he is. He plays Henry Standing Bear, the sheriff’s best friend who works behind the bar at the town saloon. Oh, and he might be running a mobile hooker ring in Absaroka County. Until, of course, we find out that he isn’t running it, it’s just another Native American who is!

At any rate–I’ve only watched the pilot so far so we’ll see where it goes. But so far so good!

It’s been a crazy few days in this DVRphile’s world. So crazy, in fact, that I’ve barely had time to watch ANY tv, except a rerun of Degrassi where Marco was so broke that he considered prostituting. Luckily, he got a job as a busboy instead.

That said, I was checking out the Encyclopedia of the 21st Century–people.com–and I saw the most adorable picture of Jimmy Fallon.

“I am the most adorable man on Earth!”

Jimmy is one cool guy: he’s funny, nice, and Irish Catholic. He spoofs Real Housewives. He slow jams. What’s not to adore?

And I admit there is one thing I love about him more than anything. Jimmy Fallon, age 37, is married to a smart, powerful woman named Nancy Juvonen, who co-owns production company Flower Films with Drew Barrymore. Oh, and she’s 45!

I don’t know what it is but I just am so happy when I find out men are married to older women. It’s a semi-unusual bias I have for rich, successful men. Hugh Jackman, 43, is married to Deborra-Lee Furness, 56. And she’s a total bad ass!

While I despise the term cougar, I am always excited to see these kinds of couples where it looks like a strong, equal partnership. Where the women seem to hold their own and look their own age and be happy (I’m talking to you Demi Moore!). And if that gives me an irrational love for them, so be it!

Now, I have to head to Columbia University to pick up a nice smart young man. Bye!

Okay, I have been tardy to the party in talking about Girls, that precocious show about parents paying the rent of their ne’er do well children who live in Brooklyn. It stars four young ladies whose real life parents are semi- or real famous, including respected newsman Brian Williams’ daughter Allison.

I bet Brian Williams is so proud his daughter masturbated on camera!

Girls has already generated enough controversy and criticism, much of it well-written, and all of it deserved, and I am not going to bore you with yet another critique. I WILL tell you I do in fact hate-watch it every week so I can feel superior to entitled kids whose parents pay their rent. Actually, let’s be honest, I’m just jealous. I wish my parents would pay my rent! But I digress, as usual. Girls is frequently sharp and funny, and would be semi-relateable if I didn’t hate every single character on the show. There is not one person I want to befriend or bang. If this was a game of “F—, Marry, and Kill,” I’d be serving multiple–and very celibate–life sentences for murder.

And then today on the Fung Wah from Boston to New York, I read an article in the New York Post that made me rethink my stance on Girls. Well, not completely, but it did mean that I would serve one less life sentence because I decided that maybe I would F— one person after all: Adam Driver, the actor who plays Hannah’s wannabe boyfriend named Adam. Adam the character is a pretentious aloof dude who has a trust fund, never wears a shirt, and works with wood. He is super annoying and then a couple episodes ago his friend tells Hannah (spoiler alert) he’s a recovering alcoholic, which makes him borderline sympathetic and almost likable. Almost.

Hey girl, want to work with my wood?

And then in the article I read that Adam the actor is a former Marine. For realz. And I’m completely awed that someone so scrawny and whiny has actually served his country, and I automatically like him better. And while I know he is ACTING and Adam the character is not Adam the person, they look so much alike that it’s easy for me to get confused.

So now I can watch Girls and like at least one person. Yahooo!