The DVR Files

First Luck was cancelled, now this!

I’ll have another beer, please, since I need to weep away my sorrows now that tomorrow night I will NOT be watching I’ll Have Another race in the Belmont Stakes, because homecolt has a swollen tendon and has consequently retired!

“Now that I’ll Have Another has retired, he can join me at the beach in Miami!”

I was SO looking forward to watching this 3 minutes or so on tv, as I’ll Have Another had already taken first place in the Kentucky Derby and Preakness Stakes. If he raced tomorrow and won, he’d be the first horsie since 1978 to win the Triple Crown! Since I was born after 1978 (but not by much!) there has never been a Triple Crowner in my lifetime!!! And now I will have to wait at least another year! Life is so unfair! This is a First World Problem times 10!

And you know all the gamblers in Vegas are frothing at the mouth. This would have made such a good episode of Luck, but we’ll never know because people have no taste and the show got cancelled. There life goes again, being unfair to all of us First Worlders.

(After an intense campaign, I should add, that nearly cost me three friends. I was so manipulative back then!)

At any rate, this blog is not called the Liz Files, it’s called The DVR Files, so let’s get to the subject matter at hand: former child actors who have, er, had a falling in life.

This week has not been a good one for these former child actors. First, we discovered that Jamie from Small Wonder lives under a bridge. Then, former All That actress Amanda Bynes was charged with a DUI for an incident a couple of months ago where she sideswiped a police car. Always a smart move! But don’t wonder, it’s not true, kidz! She tweeted to President Obama: Hey @Barack Obama . . . I don’t drink. Please fire the cop who arrested me. I don’t hit and run. The end.

Well, Amanda, if you are not guilty of DUI, you are guilty of writing dumb ass tweets! I don’t know if you knew this, but Obama has a country to run, where there are these things going on like the “economy,” “war,” “education,” and “healthcare.” It just MIGHT be hard for him to fire a local cop. Though, possibly he could invite you two over for a beer summit? Oh, but wait . . . you don’t drink.

I’m sorry, but that cop is hot. I wish he arrested ME when I lived in Cambridge. “You have the right to bear my children!” Yes, please!

The next piece of former child actor news is less bad, but rather sad. Well, except for any boy that was born between the years 1975 and 1982. Then this news is great! Yes, gentlemen ages 30-37, Winnie Cooper is back on the market.

If all our first kisses were captured in such sepia-tinged light.

Yup, actress Danica McKellar has filed for divorce from her husband of three years, composer Mike Verta. Danica has actually been quite successful, so maybe she would have been voted most likely to succeed, along with Blossom. Danica attended UCLA, majoring in math, and graduating summa cum laude. She is such a geek that she even named her son after a Harry Potter character, albeit an evil one: Draco.

So, there we have it. DUI and Divorced. Hope these former child actors see happiness soon!

And with that, I gotta jet! North Andover Middle School’s Class of 1993 Most Likely to Succeed has very important things to do, like work!

Miley Cyrus, we have to talk.

I’m richer than you’ll ever be bitches!

This morning I read on People.com that you are engaged to actor Liam Hemsworth, a cute Australian actor who has starred in such sexy sounding movies and tv shows including Love and Honor, The Last Song, and The Elephant Princess. He’s 22 to your 19 tender years on this planet. I can understand the allure of an older man. He can buy you Coors Light to drink at home. If you are a normal person, I would add that he could get you in the door at the off campus Delta Sig party. But you’re not a normal person, you’re Hannah Montana. You’re Billy Ray Cyrus’s daughter. You could BUY that frat house AND a Coors Light factory. You’re really really rich.

Sure, Liam is handsome. Compared to regular people. To me, he looks like Spinner from Degrassi, who had a nut amputated after a bout with testicular cancer.

Separated at birth???

I mean, if you’re going to go with a Hemsworth brother, I’d suggest Chris, who has played Thor.

I’ll take two of him!

Granted, he’s married with a kid–to an older woman no less which makes me adore him even more!–but Hollywood needs a good scandal and it would be so scandalous if you wrecked your fiance’s brother’s marriage! That would give you the bad reputation you so desperately want, as evidenced in the video of you smoking salvia. Stars, they’re just like us!

Now, I could write more but I have a normal job I need to get to. You, Miley Cyrus, on the other hand, have no desk job to go to. You should be out banging really hot young actors like Zac Efron or one of those guys from that baby band One Direction. I can’t keep up with youth culture. My point is, you should not be wasting your fame, mad loot, and gorgeous hair on just one man. Take a break from Liam for a few years, and then get back engaged when you’re 25. That’s still young!

However, if you do go ahead with this wedding, feel free to invite me, because I would really like to hear your dad sing a slow version of “Achy Break Heart,” and I totally think he’ll sing it as your first dance.

Love–

Liz

Sports are a really cool thing to watch on tv. You get to see athletic people perform really neat and incredible feats with their bodies. Sometimes they inspire you. Or sometimes they may drive you to the freezer to get a Fudgsicle because f it, you will never be able to be able to do anything like that so why not excel in eating semi-healthy frozen treats.

I fall somewhere in the “in between” space. I was a terrible athlete as a child, but an active one. I played soccer, tennis, and YBL basketball at the Andover/North Andover YMCA (with boys!). I think my career high in a game was 8 points, and 2 of those were for the other team. As an adult, I’ve started running, doing CrossFit, blah blah blah. But this is not about me.

I will celebrate my retirement with a Shirley Temple, please! And then I am going to space, because I look like an astronaut in this outfit.

Nope, it’s about those OTHER athletes that are so good that they depress you when they announce they are RETIRING at age 20. Yeah, I’m talking to you superstar gymnast Shawn Johnson!

Shawn is not old enough to legally drink, but she has won four Olympic medals. Shawn has not graduated from college, but she won Season 8 of Dancing With The Stars, every grandmother’s favorite television program. And she has written a book. That people actually have bought and read.

Shawn explains: “I’d like to be 30 and have kids and run around with them. It became more about my future life than this future one moment. I’m looking at the bigger picture of things.”

Oh sweetheart, I thought that too. And then I moved to New York City where straight men under the age of 40 who want to get married are like unicorns, strange and magical and nonexistent. Good luck with that!

And then last night I watched the Celts/Heat game and it was so nice to see one of my college classmates doing so well for the Heat even though I am a Celtics fan. Shane Battier and I graduated the same year from Duke. I think his income might be slightly higher than mine, but I bet he wishes he could live in a tiny one-bedroom apartment where the bathroom door does not shut all the way.

Athletes, they are just like us. Not!

Till laterz-

Liz

I mean, how do you top that? Former child actor Jerry Supiran would certainly like to know!

I have a bigger heart than any robot!

You’re probably all, who the hell is Jerry Supiran, if you’re too lazy to clink on the hyperlink above. Well, Jerry starred as Jamie Lawson in Small Wonder, that captivating sci-fi family drama about a kid robot Vicki and her family that I actually kind of loved. To be honest, Jamie always annoyed me. He was of whiny and I didn’t even have a crush on him. However, despite my apathy towards him, I was quite shocked to hear that he joined the same club as other former child actors including Danny Bonaduce, Leif Garrett, and the entire cast of Diff’rent Strokes (RIP Dana and Gary!). He’s still alive, thank goodness, but today Jerry Supiran is living under a bridge. Homeless. And all because of a stripper. Don’t you hate when that happens???

It’s too bad that Vicki’s a robot because she can’t have kids to pass on the good genes!

Life is full of tough decisions, but I dare you to think of one harder than this . . . if you were stranded on a desert island with an Ipad that could play just one Phil Collins video on youtube, what would it be?

With such talented video-making skills, even Phil has a hard time deciding which is his best!

I have spent hours, days, MONTHS pondering this very question. I mean, this is the man who brought us “Sussudio” which is a super fun video filmed in a bar where no jacket is required to have a good time. Believe me when I say “I Wish It Would Rain Down” before I had to choose one great Phil Collins video (especially if there was one with Jeffrey Tambor and Eric Clapton!). If only you could (Take a Look at Me Now)–which would REALLY be “Against All Odds” because I’m at MY computer, and you’re at YOUR computer, so we can’t ACTUALLY see each other . . . you’d (virtually) see that I’m eating lots of dark chocolate rather nervously because this is such an important choice.

. . . But Seriously, after much soul searching–and a visit to my favorite grocery store Western Beef where I heard this song piped over the sound system–I realized the answer was obvious. My favorite Phil Collins video of all time, is, drum roll please (and what’s cool is it could be a Phil Collins drum roll because he was the drummer for Genesis!) . . .

“Do You Remember?”

Let’s be honest here. “Do You Remember?” does not have quite the 1-2 punch of “In the Air Tonight” or even “Another Day in Paradise,” but what it DID have was a REALLY cute boy who a 10-year-old DVRPhile named Liz LOVED back in 1990 when she first watched this video on MTV. Apparently set in the early 1960s, the video follows this handsome boy with a 1990s haircut pondering after the girl next door, who returned his adoration by sharing a root beer float with him. And then the bitch moved away.

The song is slow, sweet, and boring. Let’s call a spade a spade. But the video is pure solid (soft rock) gold. So yes, Phil, I DO remember now which of your videos is my favorite. Thank you for guiding me so well for all these years.

Okay, I know I shouldn’t care since I don’t even watch the show (though I do DVR it!) but I admit I was just a WEE bit creeped out when I found out that Ace Young proposed to fellow American Idol alum Diana DeGarmo LIVE on the Season 11 Finale last night. Isn’t she like 12? And isn’t he 48? I mean, in the age of Courtney Stodden marrying that guy from Lost I GUESS I shouldn’t be THAT shocked, but still.

Her boobs are straight out of the 1980s which is strange considering she was born in 1994. Allegedly.

Now, before I get sued for slander or libel (too lazy to look it up), turns out that Diana is actually 24 and Ace is 31, so it’s not THAT bad, but I remember when she was a 16 year old on season 3 (though she always looked about 42) and Ace looks like he should be traveling the country giving advice on new age medicine, or singing at Real Ho’wives of Bev Hill’s children’s fifth birthday parties. Maybe that works for them, what do I know. Mazel tov!

The 1980s were great for many reasons, including fashion plates, Colorforms, and of course Trapper Keepers.

The inspiration for every contestant on Project Runway

The 1980s were also great for their attention to serious issues. Especially the tv shows that featured Very Special Episodes.

There were so many but unfortunately I only have time to address the most iconic very special episode of all time. Yes, I am talking about when Matthew Perry died on Growing Pains.

Before he was Chandler Bing, Matthew Perry starred as Carol’s boyfriend Sandy on Growing Pains for a few episodes. Oh, and he died because he drove drunk. Dumb ass. In this dramatic clip, Carol learns of his passing. We don’t even see Sandy, but hey, at least we know in a few years he will become a gazillionaire from Friends.

And Carol, super annoying Christian Kirk Cameron (remember when he was IT???) can counsel you.

Okay, I have been so busy sleuthing it up for you because as we know nothing is confidential in The DVR Files. So this is going to be a quickie, just like sex on prom night (not that I would know, I was on the math team.).

Below I’ve posted the Six Feet Under finale, possibly the best and most fitting conclusion to a show, ever. Share your thoughts in the comments. And warning, it’s sort of a spoiler alert if you’ve never watched a show, but the show ended almost seven years ago so it’s on you.

Warning: This is a REALLY insensitive post. Sue me. Actually, please don’t because I have nothing to give you but a solar powered calculator and a leftover bag of candy penises from my 30th birthday.

“I’ll come back if you bring back Carnivale!”

At any rate–by now we have all heard actor Nick Stahl had been missing almost two weeks. While known primarily as a film actor in such movies as In The Bedroom (one of my all time favorites, frigging LOVE the slow burn of it), the indie classic Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, and The Man Without a Face costarring well-know pro-Semite Mel Gibson, Nick Stahl also appeared in a number of different tv shows, most famously Carnivale with that asshole from Shawshank Redemption and more recently House of Lies with annoying sloth-loving chick Kristen Bell and Golden Palace alum Don Cheadle. Therefore, Nick Stahl has earned his place on the most important television blog of all time, The DVR Files.

When I first heard that Nick was missing and had last been seen on Skid Row, I was happy for him because I loved Sebastian Bach so much on season 7 of Celebrity Fit Club. But no, they didn’t mean that Skid Row, they meant the Skid Row in Los Angeles where apparently a lot of people deal and do drugs. Eek! And while I am being QUITE cavalier about this now, I was actually really sad for him. And all I could think was (here is the insensitive part, read at your own risk) I hope to God this is not going to be another Boner situation. Oh God, that broke my heart, where the actor Andre Koenig who played Boner on Growing Pains was found dead after committing suicide in Stanley Park in Vancouver, Canada.

Luckily, Nick Stahl has not had the same fate as Boner or his character in In The Bedroom  (who was murdered by Tom Cruise’s cousin!). According to his estranged wife Rose, he has entered rehab. Let’s just hope he gets the help the needs because the boy is goooooood.

Best of luck Nick, we here ate The DVR Files are praying for you!