Okay, normally in the esteemed halls of The DVR Files we only discuss television. But because our girl Katie Holmes was on the hit show Dawson’s Creek back in the day, I have deemed it entirely acceptable to gossip about the sad conclusion of her sham of a marriage to couch-jumper and one time Maverick Tom Cruise!

They just won the nomination for fakest marriage in all the land!

Now, let’s not even pretend we’re shocked even thought People Mag asked us “What went so wrong so quickly?” Really, People? Really? As a fan, you think I might be “searching for answers,” but I’ve got them right here! One, Tom is gay. Two, he’s a Scientologist. And three Katie Holmes is a zombie. Maybe she can get a role on The Walking Dead?

I just pray that Tom pays enough child support so that Suri will always be well dressed. And I don’t want Katie to lose her daughter the way Nicole never gets to see Connor and Isabella. So Katie, run!!!

The sad thing is she probably signed such an ironclad prenup that we will never get the tell-all book we so deserve. So now I’m just going to have to become friends with Katie and get her drunk so I can find out what happened!