The Lance Armstrong of reality tv Ethan Zohn and his longtime girlfriend Jenna Morasca, both winners of Survivor in 2002 and 2003, respectively, have adopted a dog together. Did you hear me? THEY ADOPTED A DOG TOGETHER. And if you don’t believe me, you can read the article on people.com.

Jesus F—ing Christ. Is this what our celebrity culture has come to?

Do not get me wrong–I actually like both of them. Ethan is a Massachusetts native just like myself and he used to have ringlets like Sideshow Bob.

Look at those boing boing curls. You KNOW Ramona Quimby would love to give just one tug.

He won the third season of Survivor with integrity (not sure if that’s an oxymoron?) and once played professional soccer and even founded a cool charity called Grassroots Soccer. He has been dating 6th season Survivor winner Jenna for years after meeting her at a, wait for it, Survivor party. How 21st century! While he hasn’t put a ring on it, they’ve stood by each other through a ton of adversity: her mother’s death from cancer, Ethan’s own public struggle with Hodgkin’s lymphoma, and even a season of Amazing Race where they got eliminated early. They actually seem pretty cool and it would be fun to have a drink with them.

Honestly, Jenna, how the hell do you not pull that hair?

That said, the fact that they adopted a goddamn dog is not newsworthy. Unless, of course, I am writing a blog post about making fun of it. Then you should read it.

What’s next? You going to tell me Marie Osmond Junior Selena Gomez’s dog is all grown up?

Oh sh–.