The DVR Files

The Grammys were on last night. I DVR’ed them and watched it piecemeal, so my tweets were about two hours behind everyone’s. How retro!

Oh my God Jimmy Brooks is at the Grammys! And no wheelchair! Must be a miracle.

I only started watching the Grammys again last year after a 22 year hiatus. Why, you ask? Well, I’m still f—ing bitter that Milli Vanilli turned out to be a fraud.

Girl you know it’s true that these men were fake. It’s a tragedy for me to see the dream is over!

For all of you who have suppressed these painful memories, Milli Vanilli won the Grammy in 1990 for Best New Artist. I was THRILLED. While my fifth-grade classmates were all about Hanging Tough with the Boston-based New Kids, I had more European tastes and enjoyed the Brothers of Soul Fab and Rob, the two members of Milli Vanilli who were French and German, respectively.

My mom let me stay up and watch the Grammys in 1990. How I whooped and cried tears of joy when Milli and Vanilli beat out the Indigo Girls, Tone Loc, Neneh Cherry and Soul II Soul as Best New Artist. And then months later they had to return the Grammy  because they had lip-synched, and not Beyonce-style. They lip-synched EVERYTHING.

I totally remember watching those Grammys, so much that I even googled my favorite performance of the night. Yes, that’s right, I’m talking about Mike + the Mechanics. You’re welcome.

Everyone is always Alex Trebek, that Canadian is so great on Jeopardy.

The REAL most interesting man in the world. Long live the ‘stache!

And while I agree, I think he was at his REAL peak from the years 1987-1991 when he hosted the game show Classic Concentration which aired weekdays at 10:30a on NBC. I watched this show every day of school vacations from third to seventh grade. It showed the lighter, softer side of Alex because let’s be honest matching prizes is a lot easier than being wicked smart.

What will the puzzle say???

Instead of being all, Literature on TV for $500 Alex! “This 1930s novel featured a character named Homer Simpson who may have served as inspiration for the donut and Duff-loving dad on The Simpsons” and me being all “What is The Day of the Locust by Nathanael West?” a contestant on Classic just had to remember what was behind each number. Easy peasy. I was super good at this game show since I was a master at Memory.

Oh hello all. Did you know that in addition to watching 86 hours of television a week, I read at least one book? I am a very literary, brilliant person. Just wanted to point that out if it ever gets lost in the debate of who is the biggest pop culture ho: Kim Kardashian, LeAnn Rimes, or Brandi Glanville.

We all lose in this battle.

While much of the TV I watch is complete trash, I have recently crossed over to watching some quality programming. And one of my favorite shows is Game of Thrones, which returns to HBO on Sunday March 31. Yahoooo!

I still miss Ned Stark.

Truth be told, while I love the show, I had trouble getting into the books by George R.R. Martin on which Game is based. However, I LOVE the books written by David Benioff, who is the showrunner and frequent screenwriter of Games.

And he’s married to Amanda Peet, who I will love forever for being in Something’s Gotta Give.

If I can be so bold as to suggest one book for you to read, here it is: City of Thieves. Published in 2008, it is set during the siege of Leningrad in World War II when two young men seek out a dozen eggs to make a cake. Sound a bit, uh, silly? Weird? Crazy? Well, it’s not. It’s 100% awesome. If you are friends with me and I ever give you a gift, chances are you have received this from at some point. Every single person I have told to read this has loved it, including my brother, sister, father, and book club!

So if you love Game of Thrones, try City of Thieves. And that will be your edition of Reading Rainbow from Liz. Goodbye!

Oh Sweet Jesus, is anyone worried for this Sunday? The Walking Dead returns to my favorite basic cable network AMC* which is AWESOME but the scary part is that Daryl Dixon, egads, is captured in Woodbury . . . by Brandi Svenning’s father his brother Merle no less!

Yes please.

The idea of actor Norman Reedus of not being on my screen every week is terrifying. They already took away sexy (and evil) Shane, so who I will lust after if Daryl leaves too? RICK? As in the lovesick dude from Love Actually who worshiped his best friend’s wife (played by an 18-year-old Keira Knightley)? No thanks!

Once upon a time I thought this sh– was romantic, now I think it is creepy as f—.

So please, Gods at AMC, pleas keep Daryl alive! My lady parts will thank you!

*”All My Crushes” featuring Jon Hamm, the Swedish guy from The Killing, and James Badge Dale from the dearly departed Rubicon, which made zero sense but a sexy guy is a sexy guy.

One of the great things about being an independent adult is you know about fun stuff like FSAs, electrical bills, and the price of tuna.

4 for $5 when it’s on sale at Key Foods!

That’s why I really need to be on The Price Is Right. Hot damn, I would be SO GOOD at that show. For example, one of my greatest talents is totaling my items as they go down the conveyor belt at the grocery store. Yes, I sort of know the prices beforehand, but not with produce! I usually get the total cost within $3. Granted, I often go over because I want to be pleasantly surprised. But I know if I were on the show I’d go a little under.

It’s interesting too to think of the stuff you wanted to win on Price when you were a kid. A car or a boat seemed cool. But as an adult living in New York City, f— that sh–. I want the living room set, the high end pots and pans, or the $50k cash from Plinko!

My heart flutters just looking at it.

And if I make it to the Showcase Showdown, give me a trip to the Bahamas!

Who knows if this will ever happen, especially since what is the point now that Bob Barker is no longer the host. I like Drew Carey, who took over duties in 2007, but it’s not the same. Does he even remind us to get our pets fixed? Meow!

For now–watch this gem from when Snoop Dogg appeared on Price about a year ago. He might be a rich rapper, but he knows the value of goods!

Oh, the ’80s. You were a great time for nerdy kids, what with your Square One, Speak & Spells, and Alphie the Robot toy.

Addition rocks!

You might be REALLY surprised, but I was one such geeky child. Hard to believe since I’m so cool now. But believe you me, one of my most favorite things in the WORLD to watch once my family got cable in 1987 was Mr. Wizard’s World on Nickelodeon.

What a silver fox!

Mr. Wizard was Don Herbert, a perpetually old dude who thought science was the jam. One of my all time favorite experiments from his show was standing in a doorway, pressing my wrists against the frame for 60 seconds, and then stepping away and putting my hands by my side and then they would float up automatically. How cool! And of course I couldn’t find the video for it.

My memories of the Wiz were of the nice, supportive, grandfatherly variety . . . but truth be told he was a bit more of a wise ass than I remembered! And for that I love him even more! Watch the evidence below.

Kim Kardashian is such a deep, smart human being that I’m continually amazed by the gems that come out of her mouth.

I’m sure many things have gone in that mouth. 

See, Kim is knocked up by fellow class act Kanye West, but unfortch she’s STILL married to that tall NBA player Kris Humphries. She explains:

If anyone [only] knew all the fertility problems and the things that I was going through. God brings you things at a time when you least expect it. I’m such a planner and this was just meant to be. What am I going to? Wait years to get a divorce? I’d love one. It’s a process.

All right Kim this makes just about zero sense. You’re trying to say this was a complete surprise, but you had fertility issues? How would you know this unless you were trying to get pregnant? Don’t get me wrong–I certainly sympathize with women who struggle with fertility, but you know Kim will do anything to get in the paperz.

And now the best part–estranged hubby Kris Humphries could not give a single flying f—.

In happier times. I would have given them 90 days at LEAST.

Humphries’ lawyer is throwing major shade at Kim: calling her pregnancy “an opportunity to gain a litigation advantage (to) prematurely set this matter for trial.” Oh, snap!

Me? I think she just wants to pop out a kid because she’s jealous of Reggie Bush’s soon to be baby mama Lilit Avagyan..

Baby got back almost as big as Kim.

Let’s be honest, a lot of us watch the Super Bowl for the commercials. This year, truthfully, I barely even did that. I was still sad that my beloved Tom Brady was not playing!

I would do many things to that cleft chin.

At any rate–I am still a big fan of commercials, and one of my all time favorites is one that exhibits major athleticism, that advances the feminist movement . . . yes, I’m talking about women playing basketball in Easy Spirit shoes!

We’ve really made it now ladies!

Confesh: I never watched Felicity back in the day. I was actually IN college when it aired and I didn’t need to be reminded me that young, nubile college coeds should be bedding hot British-born actors like Scott Speedman. I was reminded of that on a daily basis on my way to the all you can eat buffet at the dining hall. But anyway.

If you guess the right number of curls, I’ll chop off my hair and give it to you and then no one will watch my show ever again.

At any rate, I’ve still always liked actress Keri Russell, who played the eponymous Felicity from 1998-2002. So I was kind of excited when I found out she was cast on the new FX show The Americans about a group of decidedly NON-American KGB spies infiltrating the US in the 1980s. Irony, thy name is Television! Only one episode has aired so far, and I am only 2/3 of the way through. Not because I don’t like it, but because I have other things to do like eat, sleep, and work. Only so many hours in the day! Keri plays Elizabeth Jennings, a Russian by birth and loyalty, and she’s married to fellow Commie Phillips Jennings (played by foxy Welsh actor Matthew Rhys), and they live in the US and have kids and do things like hate America and maybe kill people (no spoilers here!).

They also make Socialist brownies while getting it on.

I have to admit, however, as much as I love Keri Russell (she married a hot carpenter in real life and she seems so normal–she uses a granny cart to transport her laundry and everything!)–evil Russian spy she is not.

I’d hit it.

I’m liking the show so far so I’ll overlook that Keri looks like a nice overgrown Girl Scout instead of, say, a woman that would poison those Thin Mints so that she can eliminate an evil capitalist American. I’m a child of the 1980s, after all, and I love a good Cold War era mystery!

As a child growing up, I could not WAIT to get my license. Sure, it would be cool to drive around town, smoking ciggies and chasing boys, but what REALLY excited me was the prospect of borrowing dijon mustard from a rich British dude. I’m talking to YOU Grey Poupon.

Truth be told, I did not even LIKE mustard in those days–I was a ketchup girl (I know, I hang my head in shame)–but hearing the word “poop” was always funny. Hehe, hehe.