The DVR Files

So today I was having a great conversation with myself as I am prone to do when I’m home alone. “Liz,” I addressed myself, “You know why Beverly Hills, 90210 is the most unrealistic show of all time?”

“Because Brandon Walsh and Emily Valentine never got married and had a kid together?”

“Well, Liz, that’s one thing. But honestly–of ALL of the people to get knocked up unexpectedly on the show . . . Andrea Zuckerman? COME ON!”

There can only be one Blossom, Zuckerman. Lose the hat!

I totally agree with myself. Actress Gabrielle Carteris was already about 48 when she was cast as West Beverly Blaze editor and alleged high school student Andrea Zuckerman (well actually 29, but tomayto, tomahto) and they made her out to be just about the saddest sack west of the Mississippi. She wore glasses, she was a virgin, and no boys liked her. I could relate. Upon high school graduation, she passed up a full ride to Yale to attend California University with the gang. Yes, that makes sense. She finally had sex for the first time with a professor (escandalo!) and then ended up getting preggers by bartender/law student Jesse  Vasquez and that’s pretty much when I stopped watching for a few years, because Andrea was having a baby, and everyone knows it’s really hard for a 57-year-old to have an unplanned pregnancy.

Despite the obvious problems with the show, I will always love Beverly Hills, 90210 because David Silver is just so precious to me.

I never got it.

The boy who would become Baby Simba. Circle of Life INDEED!

See, when Home Improvement started airing in 1991, I was a wise-cracking 12 year old into much older men from the West Coast, such as this guy:

Liz, is it too late for you to lose your virginity to me at prom?

I didn’t need any BOYS from a show about tools. Nope, Jonathan Taylor Thomas was for the girls born between 1981 and 1985.

But truth be told, Jonathan Taylor Thomas grew up quite nicely as far as child stars go, which is not that difficult when your competition is Lindsay Lohan.

Not a headshot.

After Home Improvement ended in 1999, JTT enrolled at Harvard. Looks like he dropped out at some point (thanks Wikipedia!) but he ended up graduating from Columbia in 2010. He took a six year sabbatical from acting, and now he’s back onscreen with Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor nee Allen guest starring on an episode of Last Man Standing, a show that I don’t think anyone under 55 watches but soon will become a ratings bonanza and a staple of the important periodical Tiger Beat (isn’t that even still a thing? I hope so!).

Now 31, JTT is BACK. Wow, can’t believe he is only 2 years younger than I am, I always thought it was more like a hundred. But whatevs. I’d totally date him now. Look how smart he looks!

Not bad. Could pass for a Google employee.

It’s time.

After Lindsay Lohan and her pudgy digits AMAZING performance in the seminal TV movie Liz & Dick, I was GUNNING for her comeback. Let’s make a sequel to Freaky Friday, I suggested to my crazy brain. We’ll call it Singular Saturday! Or maybe we can remake Herbie: Fully Loaded. But then I thought, that movie would just be called Lindsay: Fully Loaded ALWAYS. Sigh.

See, this week Lindsay was sentenced to 90 days in locked down rehab for one of her many violations of parole or something like that. It’s hard to keep track and I’m a bit of a lazy journalist. Sorry folks. What I DO know is this latest arrest (?) generated yet another glamorous mugshot in the Fallen Starlet Hall of Fame, Population 1.

I’m kind of jealous of her cool track jacket. I LOVE track jackets.

So Lindsay is off to rehab, apparently, and all I can think is they went about this the wrong way. See, Dina and Michael are such shameless publicity whores–yes, I watched Living Lohan–that I cannot BELIEVE they did not submit Lindsay’s name for consideration to be cast on Intervention. One, this means they’d get to be on a tv show that people actually watched (Labor Pains, anyone?). Two, someone else would pay for the rehab. BRILLIANT.

I am addicted to Intervention (ha!) and I think this would be the episode ever, even better than Hubert, Sylvia, and Allison the Huffer put together. The question, of course, is who would be the best interventionist for her. Candy? Jeff? Ken? Nope, I’m going with Seth Jaffe. He takes no sh– from anyone. He’s like a Mafia enforcer for getting you sober. Let’s do this Lindsay.

Until then, let’s just remember when Allison was walking on sunshine. This is for you diehard Intervention fans.

Soooo . . . The DVR Files turned one last week and I was all about posting 497 posts in two days and then I disappeared. What happened, I am sure were you asking every day. Did you get arrested Liz?

The answer is I WISH. Especially if it was by this guy . . . Pat Rogers, real life cop, babe, and star of Boston’s Finest.

Do I have the right to bear your children?

Granted, that’s not the best photo of him in the world, but this patrol officer is too busy catching criminals to pose for pics.

See, Officer Pat and I would make the BEST couple. One, we’re both Irish Catholic. Two, we’re both from MA (he’s from Dorchester, I’m from the suburban wonderland of North Andover). Three, we both hate cats.

Now, on last week’s episode 35-year-old Pat DID tell his partner Jenn that he didn’t want kids but I’m convinced once he lays his eyes on me he will change his mind because our children would be goddamn gorgeous.

I’m going to have to visit Boston and just HOPE to get caught breaking the law. Woohoo!

That Barbara Eden has all the luck. Not only did she get to presumably bang the man that would become J.R. Ewing, she all got to live in a super cool genie bottle on her very own tv show I Dream of Jeannie.

That bitch has everything.

Watching Jeannie on Nick at Nite growing up, I was all, I hope I can be a kept woman someday living in a tiny enclosed space.

My dream did SORT of come true. Nope, I’m not a kept woman, but I love in a tiny enclosed apartment in New York City. Woohoo!

And probably cavities too, as they are made of sugar, glucose syrup, hydrogenated coconut oil, gelatin and other fun stuff. But who cares because they make you COOL.

The 1980s were a simpler time in many ways but perhaps the important one is that we didn’t have so many goddamn annoying M&M’s!

This is the second image that comes up when you google image search “Sexy M&M.” Apparently that’s a thing.

Don’t get me wrong, I still like to eat an M&M every now and then. My favorite snack at the rare occasion I go to the movies is pouring a pack of Peanut M&Ms in my popcorn. Sweet and salty!

But what disturbs me is the revisionist history Mars tries to give us on their story. When you go to the M&M Wikipedia page (and yes, I know that they don’t write it themselves but I am going to blame them anyway), NOWHERE does it mention that when I grew up in the 1980s there were no red M&M’s but instead tan ones. WTF Wikipedia writers? Are you denying the past?

As they say, those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. So let’s reminisce on a simpler time when the colors were tasty but blah. And you can bet your ASS they never melted in my hand because I ate the hell out of them instantly.