The DVR Files

So imagine you are granted $3 billion dollars and the only thing you can buy with it are iconic items from 1980s TV shows. Your first purchase, of course, is the house from The Golden Girls.

The furniture from the lanai is included.

Now that you’ve established a base in Miami, you’ll need a vehicle to bring you from your gorgeous split level to the local watering hole the Rusty Anchor where Dorothy sometimes sings.

But what kind of car shall you buy? Remember–it has to be from a 1980s TV show, which only leaves you with TWO choices.

KITT

Or

General Lee

KITT, as we know, is Michael Knight’s Pontiac Trans Am from the great show Knight Rider. An acronym for Knight Industries Two Thousand, KITT was a geeky computer stuck in a hot car’s body. Some of the cool features included Turbo Boost, the ability to drive itself, and it could see AND talk. Wow!

General Lee, on the other hand, was bad ass but a little more basic. It was the two door Dodge Charger driven by Bo and Luke Duke on The Dukes of Hazzard. There was no computer, it couldn’t drive itself, but it could FLY.

So what would we buy? I hate to say it, but I’d go with KITT these days as it is a little uncouth to drive a car with the Confederate Flag on it. Breaks my heart to say that!

Heck, we’d still have about 2.9 billion dollars left, so we could also buy the choo choo train set from Silver Spoons. All hope is not lost.

Well this is a bummer.

Chris “Mac Daddy” Kelly from the 1990s rap duo Kriss Kross has been found dead in his apartment at age 34. Cause of death has not been determined.

Revolutionary in their own way.

This is tragic on so many levels. One, he was young. Two, in every death announcement I’ve read about him NO ONE can tell which one is Kriss and which one is Kross. I did some investigative reporting (called google image searching–you should try it!) and figured it out.

The one with the shades is Chris Kelly, RIP. The one on the right is Chris Smith.

It’s also sad because these fashion icons were about to possibly stage a comeback. They had recently reunited for one night to celebrate the twentieth anniversary of So So Def Recordings.

Well, I am sure he “Jump” jumped his way to heaven so he can “Warm It Up” for the rest of us.

RIP Chris “Mac Daddy” Kelly. I’ll leave you with this.

I consider myself to have a pretty good relationship with my mother. I call her every now and then and she sometimes buys me dresses that everyone likes because she has better taste than I do.

Exhibit A

HOWEVER–as close as we are, the one thing we have NEVER talked about is feeling not so fresh.

These mother/daughter teams, however, have.

Want more bonding? Okay.

Wait, you want more?

Remember when you were little, and you had dreams? And your parents, who hopefully loved you every much, told you to hold onto those dreams because if you wanted them bad enough they would come true?

I’ve got news for you. Your parents lied.

You see, one of my childhood dreams was to marry Alfonso Ribeiro, because he had rich friends on Silver Spoons and a rich dad on The Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

He’s also knows Malcolm in the Middle. What else do you need???

I prayed to God every night that this would happen, like the good Catholic girl I am. “Please God,” I pleaded, “Let me marry a man whose BFF has a cool train running through his living room.”

Choo choo!

But God, alas, didn’t listen. First, He allowed Alfonso to marry a white chick that was not me. Second, He let Alfonso impregnate her and now they’re having a baby. Boooooo!

You can bet your ass I will not be doing the Carlton in celebration of this occasion.

There are many great debates in life. Bubble Yum vs Hubba Bubba. Blow Pops vs Tootsie Pops. York Peppermint Patties vs Junior Mints. You get the picture.

And let’s not even start on 5th Avenue vs Butterfinger….

But perhaps the one that causes me the most mental anguish is to decide WHICH Chuck Woolery game show I would want to be on. Let’s discuss.

Yeah, I’ve got frosted tips. What do you want to do about it?

1) Love Connection

Airing from 1983-1984, Connection threw the normal dating shows on their head and spun them around and then ta da! Here we are! Every show, a bachelor or bachelorette would have their pick of three peeps of the opposite sex. They would have gone out on the date BEFORE the show aired, and then they’d review the date during the episode. It was rarely pretty but always fun!

Clip belong is longish but worth it–I mean, you need to see the mullet on Mark. Hello.

2) Scrabble

Chuck couldn’t be happy just making people fall in love. Nope, home boy was the Bo Jackson of game shows and also had to satisfy the wordsmiths of daytime viewing by hosting Scrabble, a game where you had to guess a word! Wow, how innovative! I loved this show and used to dream about inserting a tile into the console. A girl can wish!

3) Greed

Confesh: Greed didn’t air till 1999, well after my 1990 cutoff. However, it was still a good show for geeks like me. It was as if Who Wants to Be a Millionaire and Weakest Link had banged and given birth to this baby game show, except this time you could win TWO million dollars, though I don’t think anyone ever did. Oh well.

So there we have it. Truth be told, I’m a little confused. I wish I could a spin on the Wheel of Fortune (which he also hosted between 1975-1981) to help me make my decision. Or perhaps I could poll the audience a la Love Connection. But let’s be honest–I need a date. It would be Love Connection.

Sooooo . . . who besides me watched the amazing miniseries Top of the Lake on the Sundance Channel?

Written by Jane Campion, she of The Piano fame, Lake centered around the search for a missing pregnant 12-year-old in rural New Zealand. Peggy from Mad Men was one of the detectives. There were a bunch of quirky characters, as well as some nasty perverted ones. There were also a number of people with tattoos on their heads.

He’s what I call “white trash hot.”

“White trash hot” applies to all ages.

Hey, where’s his tattoo?

This last guy didn’t have a tattoo on his head, but he did spend eight years in a Thai prison, so pick your poison. And I thought New York City was a tough place to meet men! Rural New Zealand MIGHT be tougher.

Mermaid fans–when you first heard about the new TV show Splash did you NOT cry a few tears of joy. “Finally!” you exclaimed, “Tom Hanks’ BEST movie ever is getting the respect it deserves and is being made into a tv series. Who will play Daryl Hannah?”

She inspired many fantasies on the land and in the sea.

And then of course you learned that Splash is not a love story between a man and a mermaid. Nope, it’s the Dancing With the Stars of diving. Boooooo.

Now, confesh time. I’ve never watched the show. BUT I do read People mag and every day there is some kind of tragedy revolving around the show. Two contestants I’ve never heard of, Rory Busfield and Katherine Webb, suffered a ruptured eardrum and a competition-ending injury, respectively. Oopsy daisy! Kendra Wilkinson, who I unfortunately HAVE heard of, dropped out of the show after battling major anxiety. And Nicole Eggert, by far the best daughter on Charles in Charge, suffered bruising and swelling on her back and kidneys after a dive. And she was on Baywatch so home girl knows how to handle the water. Ouch!

I think Willie Aames is due for a comeback.

I don’t mean to sound callous, but I think it’s karma. We all wanted mermaids, and instead they gave us C List celebs. Now, if they caste Daryl Hannah I MIGHT watch . . . .

This is a debate for the ages. God called. He said, “Liz, I give you the power to remake one 1980s cartoon with hot babes. What will it be? You have seven days.”

Holy F— God! That’s a tall order! But I’ll rise to the occasion.

Help me decide.

1) She-Ra: Princess of Power

Bish was blonde, powerful, and just happened to be sister to He-Man. Girls liked her because she had long flowing locks, dudes liked her because she wore skimpy outfits.

Her friends were hot too.

2) Jem and the Holograms

For those men with punk rock tastes, Jem was your girl. Home girl had pizzazz (but NOT Pizzazz with a capital P–she was in the Misfits) PLUS she could rock out.

Big hair and bold fashion taste. Why the frown, Jem?

3) The Flintstone Kids

Okay, this is not NEARLY as perverted as it looks. Because if we remade The Flintstone Kids they would now be The Flintstone Teens. And we all know how hot Betty turned out. In fact, she was so petite that she couldn’t even be a Flintstones Vitamin for years–her waist was allegedly too tiny!

Not to throw shade, but the question needs to be asked . . . How did Barney score such a hot chick?

So what’s your vote? God is waiting!!!

Truth be told, I am NOT a fan of murder. It’s not something that I want to happen to me or any of my loved ones or heck any of my disliked ones, EVEN it means getting interviewed by Keith Morrison on Dateline.

A man among men,

I’ve previously addressed, however, that if I AM going to get murdered, PLEASE do not let it be in the city of Seattle because it takes them two whole seasons to solve a crime. Well, at least it did on the AMC TV show The Killing, which was one of those shows that you invested so much time in and you waited for him to propose and you’re all, he’s going to do it! And then he doesn’t so you dump him. And then, of course, he comes back with a brand new girlfriend for season 3, EVEN THOUGH you thought he was totally done with chicks.

If you’re a fan of The Killing, you know what I’m talking about.

Seattle PD, looking attentive.

See, The Killing was canceled last year after the conclusion of season 2. Even though the second season was a bit of a convoluted, soap opera-ish mess, it was still better TV than most. It’s like that alcoholic cousin you have that you know if he just cleans up he’ll be better than ever. And luckily–AMC agreed and gave new wind to the show, essentially un-canceling it five months ago. The third season premieres on June 2 and it’s a totally new person being murdered. Yahoooo! No offense, Rosie Larsen.

So will you be watching?

People born before 1990: Do you know who Boss Hogg is? Is Uncle Jesse just a guy on Full House who happens to be friends with the Olsen Twins? Is the General Lee simply an ill-fated Confederate General during the Civil War?

If you answered no, yes, yes, then we are no longer friends.

Where’s Rosco P. Coltrane?

If you answered yes, no, no, then let’s talk.

The aforementioned Boss, Jesse, and Lee are, of course, important characters (one a car) on perhaps the greatest show of all time–no, NOT Living Lohan–but The Dukes of Hazzard. Set in Georgia, the show revolved around the Duke boys, cousins Bo and Luke, and their constant attempts to evade the ever so corrupt Boss Hogg.

Just another day looking hot.

Oh, and those Duke boys were not just brave and fun, they were CUTE! In fact, Luke (the brunette one) was my first ever crush. My sister Katie loved Bo, the blonde one.

Who would YOU like to have taken you for a spin in the General Lee?