Remember when you were little, and you had dreams? And your parents, who hopefully loved you every much, told you to hold onto those dreams because if you wanted them bad enough they would come true?

I’ve got news for you. Your parents lied.

You see, one of my childhood dreams was to marry Alfonso Ribeiro, because he had rich friends on Silver Spoons and a rich dad on The Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

He’s also knows Malcolm in the Middle. What else do you need???

I prayed to God every night that this would happen, like the good Catholic girl I am. “Please God,” I pleaded, “Let me marry a man whose BFF has a cool train running through his living room.”

Choo choo!

But God, alas, didn’t listen. First, He allowed Alfonso to marry a white chick that was not me. Second, He let Alfonso impregnate her and now they’re having a baby. Boooooo!

You can bet your ass I will not be doing the Carlton in celebration of this occasion.