The DVR Files

Let’s be honest here. I am sure Beyonce is a nice person. I want to be her friend. She’s rich and pretty and can buy anything she wants. How awesome is that!

Even without makeup she looks good. Bitch.

However, there are a few things that annoy me about her. One, the accent in her name, and not only because I don’t know how to type it. See, she has it over the second “e” in her name, which indicates that you’d pronounce it Be-yon-SAY. But how many people do you know call her that? No one. We all say Be-YON-say. Ugh. If you’re going to pretend you’re French, Bee, at least get the spelling right.

Now, a couple of the other things that bug me about her is how she will never admit that Jay-Z is her husband. We get it, you’re pretending to be private! But come on, who wouldn’t be proud to call a man that says he has 99 problems but a b#$%& ain’t one her betrothed! What a hard knock life you lead.

This last part is where I’m spreading unfounded gossip. What a jerk face I am! At any rate–remember about a year and a half ago when Beyonce and Jessica Simpson were preggers at the same time? Jessica was expecting for what felt like 10 years, which made think she was going to give birth to a manatee (I hear they have long gestation periods). On May 1, 2012, however, she gave birth to a daughter named Maxwell Drew.

Beyonce announced HER pregnancy in August of 2011, in the most subtle way possible: at the 2011 MTV Video Music Awards in front of 12.4 million viewers. And then before you knew it, Blue Ivy came along in January!

I will admit she is very darn cute!

Don’t get me wrong. Blue Ivy is ADORABLE and I am sure Beyonce and Jay-Z love her more than anything in the world. But the pregnancy always felt just a tad suspicious. Be never seemed to gain that much weight. She rented out a whole floor of the hospital. It’s enough for a conspiracy theorist to go hmmmmmm.

And now there are rumors that Beyonce could be pregnant AGAIN! But as usual, she won’t confirm them. Her tour finishes up in August so some people say she’ll wait till then to hire a baby carrier  get knocked up. Who the heck knows? But we should start the countdown now to the 2013 MTV Video Music Awards which are in Brooklyn in August. She just MIGHT have a big announcement….

I’m still always surprised Prince Harry turned out to be the hot one.

Prince Will showed such promise.

But life is full of twists, like Honey Boo Boo’s successful career at age 7.

This child is worth 800 times what I am. Sigh.

And now Prince Harry is going to be in New York City this week, and People Magazine asked where he should go hang out.

Yummmmm.

They suggested a few trendy places like Beauty & Essex and Bounce Sporting Club, but I have a better idea. Just come over to my apartment! I have a nice bottle of scotch as well as a few beers. And then we can make a beautiful red-headed child together. Woohoo!

Thoughts?

Well this is no good.

Today on The View Barbara Walters is set to announce her 2014 retirement.

Home girl wore a power suit like no other.

I am in a PANIC. See, I have two goals in life. One, I want to make People Magazine’s annual list of the 50 Most Beautiful People in the World and two, I want Barbara to name me one of the 10 Most Fascinating People of the Year. This means I only have two more chances for the latter. Quick–what can I do so that Walters considers me captivating? Write a bestselling series about wizards? Become a general and have an affair? Invent the Iphone? Shoot–all of those things have already been done.

One thing I will NOT do is, uh, never mind. My mom might read this.

Truth be told, I can’t blame Barbara. The bish is 83 and she’s rich so she might as well enjoy herself. Maybe she’ll move to Miami and hang out at the Rusty Anchor? A girl can wish.

Happy Mother’s Day! Unfortunately, my mom and I are not spending the day together (booooo) but at least I have Downton Abbey Season 2 on DVD to keep me entertained.

Looks just like my childhood home.

So this day got me thinking, who are the best TV moms ever? Let’s discuss.

1) Clair Huxtable of The Cosby Show

Clair is a lawyer, wife, and mom to five kids. And if you come over to her house, she’ll get you a cup of coffee, but she won’t SERVE you. Got that Elvin?

2) Sophia Petrillo of The Golden Girls

Sure, she always needs to borrow money and you always have to threaten to send her back to Shady Pines, but in her heart Sophia will always be proud of her daughter Dorothy. Sort of.

3) Cindy Walsh on Beverly Hills, 90210

She borrowed that shirt from Parker Lewis.

She was so Midwestern and just so nice! And when she and her husband Jim moved to Hong Kong, she left the house to Brandon (Brenda was away in England). Cool!

So who’s your favorite?

You know you’ve hit a low point in your life when two children under the age of 7 give you an inferiority complex.

So effortless.

Goddamn Kingston and Zuma Rossdale. You are too cool!

Now, I have “no doubt” that these kidz are nice people. I bet their parents Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale have not had to beat around the “bush” that they should be grateful for what they have. But damn, do they always have to be so fashionable?

Yup!

Well, at least in this world of celebrity kids we have my beloved Violet Affleck to keep us grounded.

Check out those specs!

It’s been 10 years since the movie Love Actually was released in theaters and it is still one of my favorite movies. Especially because of this super adorable kid named Sam.

Precious!

Sam, however, was going through a tough time. First his mom died, and then he fell in love with an American classmate who didn’t even know he existed!

What’s a boy to do? Well, learn how to play the drums! That will get the girl.

Sam, unfortunately, disappeared from my consciousness till a few weeks ago when I caught a familiar face on Game of Thrones.

Hmmmm . . . could the actor who currently plays Jojen Reed–Thomas Brodie-Sangster–be the same person who portrayed Sam?

Ummmm . . . the answer is yes!

And he’s not the only child actor from a decade old British movie that’s starring in Games. Osha, played by Natalie Tena, also starred in About a Boy. Woohoo!

I am a person who likes people. It comes in handy in life, as one of the aspects of daily living is interacting with human beings.

No, you don’t have to find Waldo.

Some of my favorite people in the world are my friends. They’re awesome! And here’s what cool–people on TV ALSO have friends. Characters, they’re just like us!

Many people on TV have a really cool sidekick. Sometimes they’re tall. Sometimes they’re short. Sometimes they’re black. Sometimes they’re white. Sometimes they’re carnivores. Sometimes they’re vegetarians. I think you get the picture. My favorite kind, however, are the chubby ones. Sorry if that’s not politically correct. They’re just really fun!

So today we are going to examine which are our favorite roly poly pals on the boob tube.

1) Samwell Tarly on Game of Thrones

They share coats.

Earlier this week I argued that Jon Snow is one of the hottest men on Game of Thrones, but his BFF Samwell Tarly is the real keeper. Both Jon and Sam joined the Night’s Watch at the same time and they became close when Jon defended Sam from constant teasing because of his size and cowardice. Sam comes from a well-off family and is very smart and educated himself and he has since developed a bit of a crush Gilly, one of the daughter-wives of Craster. Oh, and she has a baby of her own so he’s really stepped up. LOVE HIM!

2) Chunk from Goonies

Hey you guyyyyyysssss! Look how awesome I am!

Yes, I know that Goonies is not a TV show but it’s on cable sometimes so there. Chunk is a great friend to everyone. He’ll do the Truffle Shuffle for you, he’ll dive for a statue of David, he even befriends a man named Sloth who is holding him captive! Sure, he has a big mouth, but he’ll help you find any treasures that you may need so he’s someone you want to stick around. Want proof? Here you go!

Want more?

3) Peter on The Cosby Show

Squeal!

In addition to being Rudy’s silent friend, Peter is a DVR Files favorite. He loves to crash slumber parties, but he’s quiet! The whole clip below is great, but the Peter action begins at 3:03.

4) Norm on Cheers

He goes where everyone knows his name.

No matter whether he is employed as an accountant, a housepainter, or a decorator, Norm is always ready to hit the bar for happy hour. You need a quick drink after work? Call Norm! He’ll join you. I can’t promise he’ll pick up the tab though.

So there you have it. My favorite chubby sidekicks. Who are yours?

I miss Jimmy Brooks.

Be my friend

Jimmy was this really nice all around good kid from Canada who attended Degrassi Community School in Toronto along with this girl, our beloved Nina Dobrev.

I hear she’s single now Jimmy!

Unfortch, Jimmy got shot by his classmate Rick. It was really sad.

Jimmy survived the shooting but was paralyzed from the waist down so he had to use a wheelchair. He remained awesome, thank God.

Now, Jimmy is not an actual REAL person. He is–or was–a character on a tv show called Degrassi: The Next Generation. And eventually he graduated and the actor who played him–Aubrey Graham–became a rapper named Drake.

I wonder if that jacket’s the best he ever had.

Drake is super annoying. He gets in fights with gentlemen like Chris Brown, starts beefs with Ludacris, and sometimes bangs Rihanna.  As far as I know, he no longer says “aboot.”

I just hope that some day he slips back into that wheelchair and makes a guest appearance on Degrassi. After all, Jimmy Brooks was starting a musical career too!

Well this is sad. Vampire Diaries stars Nina Dobrev and Ian Somerhalder have broken up.

Why isn’t he showing his teeth? Does he have fangs???

It always breaks my heart when two beautiful, rich people who I don’t know split. If they can’t make it, no one can!

And Ian, who is 34 to Dobrev’s 24 years, shows that immaturity knows no age when he tweeted: “A THOUGHT FOR TODAY: People change and forget to tell each other. -Lillian Hellman, playwright (1905-1984).”

Oh, burrrrrn baby burn. You so smart and cryptic Ian!

To be honest, I was never supportive of this relationship from the start.

I’m cute!

Ahhhh, look at the hippo! He is so adorable! I just want to squeeze his cheeks and become his best friend in the whole wide world. The only issue, howevs, is that he is going to grow up to be this:

Get in my belly!

Wow, that’s a hungry hungry hippo if I ever saw one. And I bet you anything, he’s NOT eating marbles.

For proof, we can ask a real life man, travel guide Paul Templer, who was attacked by a hippo in Africa back in 1996. Ouch! Luckily he survived, but he did lose an arm. Ouch again!

And why is this relevant 17 years after the incident? Well, homeboy wrote a book! It’s called What’s Left Of Me and Paul assures us that there are “No immunizations required” while you read. Zing!

I still think that hippos rock, though.