Well this is no good.

Today on The View Barbara Walters is set to announce her 2014 retirement.

Home girl wore a power suit like no other.

I am in a PANIC. See, I have two goals in life. One, I want to make People Magazine’s annual list of the 50 Most Beautiful People in the World and two, I want Barbara to name me one of the 10 Most Fascinating People of the Year. This means I only have two more chances for the latter. Quick–what can I do so that Walters considers me captivating? Write a bestselling series about wizards? Become a general and have an affair? Invent the Iphone? Shoot–all of those things have already been done.

One thing I will NOT do is, uh, never mind. My mom might read this.

Truth be told, I can’t blame Barbara. The bish is 83 and she’s rich so she might as well enjoy herself. Maybe she’ll move to Miami and hang out at the Rusty Anchor? A girl can wish.