The DVR Files

Well I guess I won’t be getting any pure meth anytime soon! You see, Jesse Pinkman, or more accurately Aaron Paul–the actor who portrays the bad boy drug dealer on Breaking Bad—got married over the weekend.

He cleans up!

Well I can’t say I’m surprised Jesse ran into the arms of a beautiful lady–he seemed really broken up after (spoiler alert) the death of his girlfriend Jane.

And don’t say anything else about Breaking Bad, I’m only halfway through Season 3.

All of you aficionados of Arrested Development: the show got to get your Funke on this weekend, as we discussed earlier today. And now it’s time for fans of Arrested Development: the band to get THEIR funk on. Oh yes I said it.

I am still thirsty for conscientious hip hop beats.

Truth be told, it’s been LESS than 3 Years, 5 Months & 2 Days since Speech and company released an album. While my obsession with Arrested Development: the band might have faded circa 1993 with the release of such iconic videos as “Mr. Wendal”, “People Everyday”, and “Revolution”, the band has continued to record and even engaged in a 20th anniversary tour last year! Whaaaa??? How could I have missed this?

Good news, though. They are performing in DC on June 23. And no need to challenge me to a game of horseshoes to see who will buy the tickets–the show is free!

And if you can’t make it–we’ll always have Tennessee.

So this weekend all of you cool kids were all who cares about Memorial Day. Who cares about people sacrificing their lives for their country because you were about to sacrifice your SLEEP so you could stay up all night and watch Arrested Development on Netflix, as they were releasing 15 new episodes at the stroke of midnight on May 26.

Do you even know what this is?

Truth be told, I never watched Arrested Development when it originally aired from 2003-2006, and I have a very good reason why. See, I had this roommate who was kind of a tool and he was so obsessed with all things Bluth that I refused to watch it on principle. Stupid of me? Possibly, because I am still not 100% sure what “never nude” means, except that it is a state in which I hope I never find my brother or parents.

David Cross, however, yes.

That said, I hate missing out on a pop culture moment and lucky for me IFC is showing reruns of Arrested Development. Bandwagon jumper? Yup. But so are all you geeks who went to the Banana Stand when you could have just frozen one at home.

So, as a recent convert, what is an episode that I need to watch? What is the greatest moment in Arrested Development history? Has Jason Bateman finally topped his role in Teen Wolf Too? Is that even possible???

As we all know by now, Amanda Bynes was arrested Thursday night for reckless endangerment. But of course she denies EVERYTHING, via Tweet:

Don’t believe the reports about me being arrested. It’s all lies. I was sexually harassed by one of the cops the night before last which is who then arrested me. He lied and said I threw a bong out the window when I opened the window for fresh air. Hilarious. He slapped my vagina. Sexual harassment. Big deal. I then called the cops on him. He handcuffed me, which I resisted, quite unlike any of the reports stated. Then I was sent to a mental hospital. Offensive. I kept asking for my lawyer but they wouldn’t let me. The cops were creepy. The cop sexually harassed me, they found no pot on me or bong outside my window. That’s why the judge let me go. Don’t believe any reports.

Not sure what she is talking about, but whatevs. What I DO know is these are the cops who  arrested her. New York’s Finest INDEED!

Being surrounded by two hot strong men is my fantasy. Anyone else?

And Amanda needs to stop saying that the bong was indeed a vase. It doesn’t matter. If you throw ANY kind of object out of a New York City apartment, heck out of ANY apartment, you could really hurt someone, dumb ass. I should know. I was once the victim of an assault with a deadly weapon. Water balloon.

Tomorrow kicks off the unofficial beginning of summer because it is Memorial Day Weekend. And you know what THAT means . . . .

It’s Popsicle time!

It’s on.

I don’t need any of those fancy natural fruit flavor ones that have real  juice and stuff. Nope, just give me the high fructose corn syrup ones that come in red, purple, and root beer. I’ll wash it down with a Quarter Water.

God’s Nectar

But WHATEVER you do, do NOT give me an orange Popsicle. I’d rather eat a Toaster Strudel.

I don’t care if it has frosting, it’s still the poor man’s Pop Tart.

An orange Creamsicle, on the other hand, I can get behind.

Sometimes you don’t have time to go to the gym so you head to the nearest parking lot to get a good workout.

She ain’t wasting no more time at New York Sports Club.

Car hoods are just PERFECT for splits! And honest to God, I would not have known this if it hasn’t been for the most glorious video of all time, Whitesnake’s “Here I Go Again” starring the one and only Tawny Kitaen! God, where has she been?

Well, rehab, for one. She was featured in the second season of Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew alongside Gary Busey and Rod Stewart’s son Sean (the term celebrity is used loosely here). She was also arrested for a DUI in 2009. Eek.

I guess the only time she should be by a car is if she is doing cartwheels on the hood!

But we’re routing for you Tawny, because we all go to bed at night praying and dreaming that you and David Coverdale will get back together and remake the video for “Here I Go Again.” A girl can wish!

Till then, we have this. I dare you to not fist pump during this song.

Sometimes when you come from work you just want to eat. Mac and cheese would take too long. Who wants to waste time boiling water? Your other option is a peanut butter and jelly sammy, but you ate one of those for lunch!

You’re in the mood for something ethnic. Ethnic and cheap. Ethnic and cheap and fast. Hmmmm . . . who you gonna call?

He’s the Ghostbuster of pasta!

After all, it IS real hot stuff!

(I bet Donna Summer eats Beefaroni in heaven, may she rest in peace.)

If Hollywood were high school, and broadcast television were yearbooks (work with me here), then Patrick Dempsey would be voted “Most Improved.” And I’m not even talking about how he paid Cindy Mancini a thousand bucks to pretend to be his girlfriend for a month.

I can’t believe some jerk spilled red wine all over this sweet suede number! Good thing Ronald Miller is a sucker.

Nope, I’m talking about how Patrick Dempsey went from this:

Turtlenecks are cool!

To THIS:

Yes please!

I don’t even watch Grey’s Anatomy, but I’ll tell you this: I would DEFINITELY order a pizza with extra anchovies from him now. 

Dancing lessons, however, I could do without. Even if it IS the African Anteater Ritual.