Rule # 1 of Life: You Do NOT Spit on a Hanson

Jesus F—ing Christ. Where’s the love for the brothers Hanson?

Which is funny because I didn't little girls could make sperm.

Maybe it’s stuck in 1997?

Yesterday a very angry man snuck onto the Hanson tour bus in Seattle and spit on youngest bro Zac.

Honestly, I don’t get it. Hanson rock. They created a beer called MMMhops (Get it?). Why don’t you spit on the Biebs, who has been channeling his inner King Joffrey by ordering his bodyguards to carry him up the Great Wall of China?

Please push him off. Please push him off. Please push him off.

Please push him off. Please push him off. Please push him off.

Zac remained a class act, explaining over twitter, “Gonna be a good show tonight, I cleaned off all the spit and I am feeling ready to go.”

I don’t care if I’m a grown ass woman, I still love Hanson. Zac, I will come to you next time you need help.

On that note, watch the video for my favorite Hanson song below.

Posted in My Favorite People | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Pamela Anderson is Running the New York City Marathon

This is the best news I’ve heard all year. Heck, all my LIFE.

Pamela Anderson is running the NYC Marathon on November 3 to raise money for Haiti.

I hope she wears this.

Save me!

Save me!

Or this.

If these two lovebirds can't make it there is no hope for ANYONE.

Sadly I don’t think Tommy Lee will be running.

Or heck even this.

Such good coverage.

Such good support in the upper body area.

Either way, home girl will look great! I will drink a LaBatt in her honor when she wins!

Oh Canada!

Oh Canada!

Posted in And Not a Single F--- Was Given | Tagged | Leave a comment

Look How Nice Uncle Jack Looks!

Everyone has a favorite uncle that will buy them treats, take them out for ice cream, and buy them their first Playboy.

I'd say that might be SLIGHTLY too young!

Maybe a little too young.

Jesse on Breaking Bad, however, had a different kind of favorite uncle. Uncle Jack was a good old boy of the neo-Nazi variety who (spoiler alert) didn’t think much of the government–especially the DEA–and could orchestrate the murders of ten murders spread over three prisons within two minutes, and who also had a keen interest in manufacturing meth.

WARNING: MAJOR SPOILERS BELOW!

They're hunting down Stevia.

They’re hunting down Stevia.

It’s hard for me to forget that Uncle Jack is just a character on a TV show and not a real person because, hello, Hank. But Michael Bowen, the actor who portrays this wicked villain, actually seems like a nice person!

Looks like a dad going to soccer practice!

Looks like a dad going to soccer practice!

In an interview with The Hollywood Reporter, Bowen explains how tough it was to film the scene out in the desert when he and his gang of aspiring skinheads took down Hank and Gomey. He elaborates that shooting Hank was the hardest thing he had to do:

On the paper I’m looking at it. “OK, OK, it’s pretty hard. It’s going to be what it is.” But on the day, when that was getting close to happening, I was getting very emotional when Dean was talking to Bryan. And Bryan’s saying, ‘Please, please, please’ — he’s pleading for Hank’s life. And Dean knows what’s happening. Just his eyes — the clarity in his eyes. I’m glad the camera wasn’t on me, because my lip was shaking. I was about ready to cry. It really affected me.

Just hearing that quote makes me relive the horrible moment all over again and I want to cry and cry and cry because I love Hank so much. It’s still shocking to me that this is just a
TV show!

But it’s good to know I don’t have to hate Uncle Jack because he’s not real. Plus he died in the finale anyway. PHEW.

Hank-at least you’re close to your minerals at last.

Posted in Great Television | Tagged | Leave a comment

Is Heidi Klum’s Daughter Trying to be 11-year-old me?

I’m onto you, Leni Samuel aka Heidi Klum’s daughter. Your mom may be a supermodel, but it’s clearly this girl who you want to be.

Do not use this photo if I die prematurely.

Do not use this photo in my obit if I die prematurely.

Yup, that would be eleven-year-old me showing off my Halloween costume in 1990. What style!

Why do I make such outrageous claims, you ask? WELL, look at what Miss Leni is wearing in this pic.

Nice tights

TIGHTS WITH LACE TRIM!

Guess who wore those in 1990, at age 11???

Exhibit A

Yup!

This girl again!

Except mine were beautiful white ones, sort of like this . . .

But in a sexier body

Nice legs!

. . . But in a chunkier, permed-hair, loud-mouthed body.

Leni-you clearly are making smart sartorial choices.

Posted in Trip Down Memory Lane | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Debt is So Much Fun!

Hahahahahahahahahaha. Hehehehehehehehhehe.

Neither can Teddy Roosevelt, and he's DEAD.

Neither can Teddy Roosevelt, and he’s DEAD.

What could make me laugh so much in this terrible time of tragedy (ie Breaking Bad is over)?

Would you believe me if I told you that the my new favorite comedian is “Juicy” Joe Giudice, husband to Real Howive of New Jersey Teresa? Because he totally is.

So beautiful

So beautiful.

Let me explain. Last night Joe and Tre appeared on Watch What Happens Live where they were interviewed by host Andy Cohen about how they are facing 50 years in prison for conspiracy to commit fraud, among other things.

But don’t you worry people! Joe was NEVER irresponsible with money!

He breaks it down to us:

We have never lived beyond our means. Whatever I could afford to buy I would buy. We work hard, so what, we are allowed to make money. It’s part of that’s what we do, I’m a business man and I make money.

Hmmmmm. Hmmmmmm. I really have to think about this one. USUALLY if you live within your means you don’t have to declare bankruptcy, claiming $11 million in debt. But maybe you are an exception to the rule? What do I know. I am just a humble blogger.

I think what they should do right now is put an addition on to their house. It would make everyone feel better, and also give daughter Gabriella (ie the only normal one) a way to escape from her family.

I think it needs more marble columns.

I think it needs more marble columns.

 

 

 

Posted in Reality For Real | Tagged , | 1 Comment

Things to Do Now That Breaking Bad is Over

Yo!

Last night was an epic night of TV. Not only was it the series finale of Breaking Bad, I also got to eat Funyuns.

yum

So many vegetables!

In addition, I channeled my inner meth addict.

Sweet!

Sweet!

But now that Breaking Bad is over, what am I going to do? There is a hole in my heart the size of a Los Pollos Hermanos chicken sandwich.

Here are a few activities to distract me . . .

Watch Season 3 of Boardwalk Empire.

Learn how to sew.

Plow through Orange is the New Black and then write Matt McGorry a fan letter.

Remember that Walking Dead was once really good.

Yes please.

Yes please.

Start watching The Wire and get into arguments with myself over whether it is better than Breaking Bad.

Apologize to The Sopranos for it not being the best show of all time anymore.

Never eat Stevia.

Read Walt Whitman poetry while taking a dump.

Hopefully the rest of my Breaking Bad brethren are pulling through this tough time.

 

 

 

 

Posted in Great Television | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Breaking Bad Drinking Games

Hey all-the series finale of Breaking Bad begins in just three hours for us East Coast folk–and no, I will not be posting spoilers on Facebook so you can breathe, Californians–and I am BEYOND stressed.

Makes Dina Lohan look like a good parent!

Walter White, making  Dina Lohan look like a good parent since 2008.

One way to make the time easier, however, is by drinking! So I present to you the Breaking Bad Drinking Game!

Drink every time . . .

Walter says he’s doing it for his family.

Todd makes googly eyes at Lydia.

What a romantic, covering her eyes so she doesn't have to see all the people he and his Nazi uncle just killed!

What a romantic, covering her eyes so she doesn’t have to see all the people he and his Nazi uncle just killed!

We see purple furniture in Marie’s house.

Walter Junior/Flynn complains that no one tells him anything.

Holly cries.

Saul works at a Cinnabon in Omaha.

Jesse gets a black eye.

Skyler tells us to have an A-1 Day! (You NEVER know . . . home girl needs income since Walt can’t get her any of the $11 million!)

Then by the end of the show, so matter what awful thing happens, we’ll be so drunk that we won’t care!

Posted in Great Television | Tagged | Leave a comment

The Golden Girls of MTV

SO . . . do you remember the days when cable was what fancy people had and the only time you got to watch MTV was when you went over your Nana and Papa’s house in Cranston, RI and went down to the basement and told everyone you were reading but instead you were, er, studying the existential work of Peter Gabriel videos?

I bet the kidz today don't even know the song "Sledgehammer." Blasphemy!

I bet the kidz today don’t even know the song “Sledgehammer.” Blasphemy!

Yup, those were the days.

It was a golden age for women of sorts, when female pop stars didn’t have to strip down and they could just sing their hearts out and yours truly would just dance, dance, dance. Let’s highlight three classic videos and honest to God I dare you not to groove.

1981-“Mickey” by Toni Basil

Home girl looks like a contestant on RuPaul’s Drag Race. Yessss.

1982-“Gloria” by Laura Branigan

Who ELSE was not pissed that their mother did not name them Gloria after this super fun song??? I had the pleasure of seeing Laura perform on the Boston Common sometime in the early naughts and everyone was still into it. Sadly, Branigan passed away in 2004 due to  a cerebral aneurysm.

1983-“Flashdance . . . What a Feeling” by Irene Cara

Never saw the movie because I was three when it was released but my sister Katie did own the soundtrack. Damn, this song STILL makes me get up and boogie. And also cut up sweatshirts and pretend I’m a welder/dancer.

Most beautiful girl in the world.

Most beautiful girl in the world.

So what was your jam in the early 1980s?

 

Posted in Trip Down Memory Lane | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

It’s Friday!

One of the great things about Friday is that you can watch Perfect Strangers, Full House, and Family Matters all in one night.

Perfect strangers? More like perfect hair!

Perfect strangers? More like perfect hair!

Oh wait. It’s not 1990 anymore. Shoot!

Another great aspect, then, is that let’s say you have one of those things called a job. You go to work Monday through Friday and then you get to go home and catch up on all your shows. HEAVEN!

Let’s say this week has been particularly tough. You tried to print out a 100 page super important document but the printer kept jamming! Didn’t you just want to explode???

Or, at the very least, smash the hell out of it?

Michael Bolton knows how that feels.

No not THAT Michael Bolton.

No not THAT Michael Bolton.

I’m referring, of course, to the Michael Bolton that does not suck, who is a character in the cult movie Office Space. Live vicariously through him.

 

Posted in Trip Down Memory Lane | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Britney Spears Had the Voice of an Angel

I’ve decided I am going to rename my blog The Britney Files because the people have spoken and they loooooove Britney!

So sweet!

So sweet!

As a result, I’ve dug DEEP in the vault and found some amazing Britney gems. We’re talking pre-crazy, pre-Japan, pre-Mickey Mouse Club.

We’re talking 1991 when Brit Brit competed on Star Search.

Pshaw, whatever happened to Marty Thomas anyway? Probably selling used cars.

Posted in Trip Down Memory Lane | Tagged , | Leave a comment