Miley Cyrus, we have to talk.

I’m richer than you’ll ever be bitches!

This morning I read on People.com that you are engaged to actor Liam Hemsworth, a cute Australian actor who has starred in such sexy sounding movies and tv shows including Love and Honor, The Last Song, and The Elephant Princess. He’s 22 to your 19 tender years on this planet. I can understand the allure of an older man. He can buy you Coors Light to drink at home. If you are a normal person, I would add that he could get you in the door at the off campus Delta Sig party. But you’re not a normal person, you’re Hannah Montana. You’re Billy Ray Cyrus’s daughter. You could BUY that frat house AND a Coors Light factory. You’re really really rich.

Sure, Liam is handsome. Compared to regular people. To me, he looks like Spinner from Degrassi, who had a nut amputated after a bout with testicular cancer.

Separated at birth???

I mean, if you’re going to go with a Hemsworth brother, I’d suggest Chris, who has played Thor.

I’ll take two of him!

Granted, he’s married with a kid–to an older woman no less which makes me adore him even more!–but Hollywood needs a good scandal and it would be so scandalous if you wrecked your fiance’s brother’s marriage! That would give you the bad reputation you so desperately want, as evidenced in the video of you smoking salvia. Stars, they’re just like us!

Now, I could write more but I have a normal job I need to get to. You, Miley Cyrus, on the other hand, have no desk job to go to. You should be out banging really hot young actors like Zac Efron or one of those guys from that baby band One Direction. I can’t keep up with youth culture. My point is, you should not be wasting your fame, mad loot, and gorgeous hair on just one man. Take a break from Liam for a few years, and then get back engaged when you’re 25. That’s still young!

However, if you do go ahead with this wedding, feel free to invite me, because I would really like to hear your dad sing a slow version of “Achy Break Heart,” and I totally think he’ll sing it as your first dance.

Love–

Liz