The DVR Files

Don’t you fret–The DVR Files is a  politics free zone, unless, of course we’re talking about, say, The Good Wife or West Wing, neither of which I watch but YOU NEVER KNOW.

He looks WAY more like Emilio than Charlie here!

But as every good American knows, last night was the second Presidential debate between President Obama and Governor Romney. And while I REALLY wanted to catch up on Hoarders, I decided instead to be a patriotic person.

And thank God I did! I mean, who care about what Obama and Romney actually SAID. That stuff is for kids. The important takeaway from the whole debate is which wife wore pink better, Michelle Obama or Ann Romney???

I’m blinded!

I m going to take a big giant pill of Who Gives a F—. Sayonara!

Remember when Tyra Banks was just known for being a swimsuit model with big boobs? Oh, those were the days!

Look at me, now!

But then she went on a power trip and started America’s Next Top Model and then hosted her own eponymous talk show and now she just won’t shut up!

Don’t get me wrong–I love me some ANTM. Who can forget Shandi-gate?

Hiding her head in shame because she cheated on her boyfriend with a hot Italian model in front of a national audience. 

But Tyra’s latest escapades are just too damn much. See, in 2011 she enrolled in Harvard Business School. Impressive, right? Well, sure, but she was not going for her MBA, she was attending the Owner/President Manager Program where she earned a certificate in the Executive Education Training Program, which is part of the extension school whose requirements are not as rigid as Harvard Business School itself.

Fine. That’s all very nice. Good for her for continuing her education. But man, you’d think she spent ten years there and not just 2 months! See, this weekend Tyra attended a reunion in Boston for HBS (though wouldn’t it actually be in Cambridge? Whatevs, maybe People mag is not good with geography) and boy did she tweet about it! “Harvard Business School reunion weekend. Feels so good to be back with my OPM family!” she declares. And then: “Over last 3yrs, gotten2know amazing people at Harvard OPM. Here are a few. Including 2guys in bckgrnd.” (I’m too lazy to post pic, need to eat breakfast before work instead).

It is all too rich!

Back in the day I used to work at a bar in Harvard Square called John Harvard’s Brewhouse whose slogan was “Real Beer, Honest Food” which I never quite understood because MOST of the food I ate ANYWHERE didn’t lie to me. But whatevs. I admit that if I were still working there and Tyra came in I’d be super nice and offer her the best booth in the restaurant–even if she was by herself!–and grab her extra sodas and blue cheese and whatever she wanted. I’d probably even ask her what it was like working with George Michael for the video “Too Funky.” Did she know he was gay? Did any of the models eat on the set?

And truth be told, even though I’m a little suspect of her whole Harvard Business School experience, I have to give home girl credit for promoting education. That be cool.

Off to work now!

Want to feel old? The Osbournes turned 10 years old this year.

Such a wholesome family!

Sharon and Ozzy were the first famous family to really exploit their kin in front of the cameras. Well, let’s be honest, it was all Sharon’s doing. But it was great TV, and actually totally fun and semi innocent, though with quite a bit of f—, c—, and b—-es thrown in. I used to watch it with my Republican dad for crying out loud!

We can thank The Osbournes for inspiring other great tv shows like Keeping Up With The Kardashians, Gene Simmons Family Jewels, and of course The Hasselhoffs, which was canceled after 2 episodes.

And now, of course, ten years have passed and those Osbourne kids are all grown up. Kelly is sort of skinny and hates on Christina Aguilera like it’s her job, and Jack just got married!

Ahhhhh!

Jack’s had quite a year. His fiancee Lisa Stelly gave birth to their daughter in April, and just 2 months later he announced that he’d been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. I wish him in the best as he conquers his disease because he seems like he has grown into a nice young man!

He’s sure shown a lot of progress since the dipshit he was 10 years ago! And here is a reminder of what of a lovable brat he once was. The language is not safe for work, hehe.

So today I was flipping through the channels when I saw a commercial for the Hair Club for Men, and I was SO overjoyed to see that it was still around.

Because no one should ever be called a bald asshole.

As a female child growing up in the 1980s, I watched these commercials with a twinge of envy. I wanted to join a club! How nice that bald men had the opportunity to do so! I had to settle with joining Brownies. Give me a Thin Mint now.

Let’s take a walk down memory lane. If you’re bald, wear a cap, or just call this toll-free number.

Let’s be honest. I am so deeply ashamed that I call myself a huge fan of the irrepressible Courtney Stodden but I don’t even watch her new show Couples Therapy on VH1. What kind of pop culture ho am I?

She just really enjoys the fall.

That said, I do follow her on twitter because why not, and she tweeted out this gem today:

“Have I ever had plastic surgery? The verdict is in: http://www.celebuzz.com/2012-10-15/courtney-stodden-quashes-plastic-surgery-rumors-doctor-performs-examination-to-prove-teen-bride-didnt-get-work-done-exclusive-video-photos/ ”

The link is pretty amazing. The plastic surgeon Dr. Marc Mani, whose office is decked out with framed OK Magazine covers and an article declaring him “Plastic Fantastic,” even seems slightly incredulous when she tells him she’s only 18 (and she did not follow it with “18 years ago”). He’s all, yeah, you don’t have wrinkles on your forehead because you are telling me you are 18, which would be normal. You know his internal dialogue is all, bish is 48 and had some baaaaaad Botox. But I shouldn’t speculate.

I can’t wait till Courtney announces this has been one big joke and that she’s really a 52-year-old circus freak named Amber Lotta Bulshita! Or just has some normal surgery and liposuction procedure in Melbourne, I heard specialists there were a bit better.

So last night was the season premiere of The Walking Dead and I watched it today. Overall it was pretty good but just a TAD unrealistic. I mean the zombie apocalypse could TOTALLY happen. THAT part I believe.

Not gonna lie. I miss Shane, although he was batsh– crazy. Even with that huge schnoz he was sexy.

However–there are a few things that don’t quite work on the show for me. Let’s discuss.

1) Everybody should be having sex.

Nope, this isn’t a scene from Porky’s. Just Glenn and Maggie wondering what to do since there are like zero people left in the world.

Honestly. If the future of the entire human race depended on you and your very own private parts, I guarantee you’d be using them. Yes, Lori is preggers with either Rick or Shane’s baby–and let’s be honest due to how annoying Carl is let’s hope Shane is the dad–but that was the beginning of the whole ordeal when their future wasn’t so stark. When Glenn and Becky finally banged last season as well as Shane and Andrea, I was all YES AT LAST. And we’re one episode in this season and no sex, though that new chick Michonne looks like she keeps a couple of zombie sex slaves. Woohoo!

2) No one knows the words to the song “The Parting Glass except for drunk Irish men at last call.

This is my idea of a parting glass, not a song sung is a post apocalyptic zombie world.

This is a minor issue but annoying nonetheless. As the group is spending the night in a new home–a prison–Hershel asks his daughter Beth to sing a song. She starts with “The Parting Glass” and then his other daughter Maggie joins in. They are terrible singers but everyone pretends it’s beautiful. I would have been pissed that there was nothing to drink!

3) When you shoot a handgun, there is recoil!

I am an expert marksman.

Okay, I have only shot handguns once in my life–at Gun City USA in Nashville, of course–but damn those babies bite back at you! When Lori of all people was casually aiming her gun at zombies and shooting them, she acted like it was so big deal. No recoil whatsoever. LIAR!

So there you have it. Overall, a great show, so I’ll let these issues slide.

But I do want more sex. Can you imagine if this was on HBO? There’d be a whole new population of people due to all the breeding they’d be doing!

To all those ladies devastated that Alfonso Ribeiro got married this weekend, don’t worry. You do not need to give up hope, because Russell Crowe may be splitting up with his wife Danielle Spencer. Maybe.

God he used to be hot.

Now, I actually feel kind of bad because they seem like a nice, low key couple with two frigging adorable boys. Well, correction. SHE seems low key–can we really forget the telephone incident where he threw a phone at a hotel concierge in New York? But whatevs. Despite getting super bloated the past few years, I still would have a drink and do other things with him.

I’ve been a fan of Russell’s since he starred in L.A. Confidential in 1997. I even wrote a term paper about him for a cultural anthropology course on pop culture and mass media my senior year in college when he was having an affair with Meg Ryan. I called it “You’ve Got Male: How the Girl Next Door Moved Away.” Get it?

So I guess we’ll see how this unfolds. Just don’t be near a phone if you see him!

Well, I am just too upset for words!

First Webster’s dad dies, now Carlton Banks is married to a white woman that is NOT ME!

I assume that Ricky Schroder was the best man. He probably gave a nice set of silver spoons as a gift! Hahahahahaha!

I hope at the very least he did the Carlton Dance at his wedding.

Hahahahahahahahahaha. Hehehehehehehhehehehe.

That’s me giggling because Kyle Richards, real ho’wife of Bev Hills-and aunt of a sex tape star-had the audacity to brag about her marriage to people.com.

He’s hot. Home girl should be worried!

Kyle explains, “If you have cracks in your marriage, don’t do one of these. You have to be really, really solid in order to do a reality show like this. I feel solid.”

Now, it’s not the wish anyone sadness in their love lives. Of course not! I’m not a bitter ho at all! But, Kyle is kind of a snarky bitch, and Ho’Wives of all cities do NOT have a great track record when it comes to marriage! Let’s just look at a few unions that have dissolved over the course of the series:

• Vicki and Don
• Adrienne and Paul
• Taylor and Russell
• Nene and Gregg
• The Countess and the Count
• Camille and Kelsey

And that’s just a few!

So Kyle, keep telling yourself your marriage is solid. Right. Because I’ve seen Mauricio and he’s the Real Hot Husband of Bev Hills.

Here’s the thing: I love you all very much but a girl’s gotta eat so she’s got to make her own money. Some people turn to prostitution, some turn to online dating, I turn to work.

And then Teresa turns to prostitution whoring, a really cool hybrid!

So let’s talk quickly before I dash off to my glamorous job. Hehe.

Last night I heard my amazingly talented brother Andrew Kelley Simons perform at The Path Cafe in New York City. It was rad. And it made me think I can’t wait till he makes a video that will run on MTV over and over and over. And then I reminded myself that I don’t watch music videos anymore. Ever. Oops!

But back in the day, I used to spend HOURS in front of the tv watching music videos. Oh, they were fun. I would tape them on ye olde VCR and interpret them and analyze them and just be deep. And I had favorites.

Perhaps none was so life-changing as the video for “November Rain” by Guns N’ Roses.

Oh how every child of the 1990s LOVED this homage to, er, love. And this is in the pre-Internet days, and at the end we all looked up Del James in the card catalog at the library to read his short story “Without You” which was apparently the inspiration for Rain. And unforch Stevens Memorial Library in North Andover, Massachusetts did not carry it! Boo f—ing hoo!

All right, time to make money!