My mom was pretty cool back in the day. Sure, she didn’t buy me Lunchables or let me drink Capri Suns–we were an Ecto Cooler Family–but she DID order me the Fraggle Rock  Book Series!

Fraggle Rock was in my opinion the coolest place on Earth. As a devout Catholic first- grader, I used to believe that heaven was whatever you dreamed was the perfect world. And I just KNEW upon death that I would float away to Fraggle Rock and become BFFs with Red while the Doozers did all the work for me.

Red was one wild and crazy bitch!

The only flaw with Fraggle Rock was that it was on HBO, which meant that I could only watch it when we visited my grandparents, who luckily were pretty awesome. Now that I finally have HBO in my own home–they don’t even play Fraggle Rock anymore! What’s up with that???

Who the hell knew Adam Sandler was so progressive?

Why is he wearing a Yankees cap? He’s from New Hampshire!

I mean, he and Chris Farley, may he rest in peace, starred in one of my all time favorite commercials for gay beer on Saturday Night Live in 1991! Schmitts Gay!

If you’ve got a big thirst, and you’re gay, reach for a cold, tall bottle of Schmitts Gay!

For some reason I can’t post the video, so click here to watch it. 

Now, if I could only find the commercial where Michael Jordan talks about that not so fresh feeling!

Well color me SHOCKED! A young actress dyed her hair red!

Pale like a vampire, red like a crazy ass bitch!

Ashley Greene–who I only know as a girl who once dated Joe Jonas, and only because I read People Magazine–but apparently also stars in the Twilight series, recently switched the hue on her hair.

And not a single f— was given. Except by me who feels compelled to write about it!

See, I was born a redhead, then the past couple years I went a little blonde. Two weeks ago my friend, a professional stylist, dyed it back to red. I did not send out a press release. But next time I will!

Okay, the Pats are playing the Jets AS WE SPEAK. And by we I mean I, but whatevs.

Earlier today I compared the coaches of the two teams, Bill Belichick and Rex Ryan. Now I am going to analyze the quarterbacks. Let’s go!

Quarterbacks

Tom Brady versus Mark Sanchez/Tim Tebow

Gisele finally let him cut his hair.

Deep thoughts.

Looking very grizzly for a virgin.

As you have come to expect from me, we are NOT going to talk about their performance on the playing field, but rather their performance on the dating field!

Tom first entered out consciousness in 2002 when he led the Pats to capture their first Super Bowl victory ever. And as a handsome young man, he decided to date a really low budget Hollywood star. Tara Reid.

The Lindsay Lohan of her time

Tom and Tara broke up, and then he dated Bridget Moynahan  from 2004-2006, famously breaking up with her right around the time she announced she was preggers. My grandmother was super upset about this- “I thought he was supposed to be a nice Catholic boy.” So was JFK, Nana. So was JFK. Tom then went on to marry supermodel Gisele Bundchen, she bore him a son and she is currently pregnant with their second kid. Dad of the year!

Well, the Jets don’t have to worry about Tim Tebow knocking any girl up out of wedlock because he is a VIRGIN. God, what a waste. He’s been rumored to have dated professional bore Taylor Swift who probably now gets more action from her high school boyfriend Conor Kennedy. And other famous purist Lolo Jones say she’d take Tebow to church. So much fun!

Luckily, Mark Sanchez is picking up the slack for Tebow. Since 2009 he has been linked to model Hilary Rhoda, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover girl Kate Upton, and his current girlfriend Eva Longoria.

I’m sure she has a BIG personality!

I have to give Sanchez extra points for dating an older woman. Granted, Moynahan was older than Tom but he kind of was a dog to her. It breaks my heart to admit that.

So–I gotta go with Mark Sanchez as the ultimate quarterback at the moment. As much as I love Tom, he uses way too much hair product for me!

Okay, I am excited because today my hometown team the New England Patriots are playing the New York Jets which means the game will be on tv in New York (where I live) and I won’t have to check NFL.com all afternoon. Woohoo!

And while I never quite understand what the hell is going on in football, I do watch it faithfully every Sunday. And the Pats/Jets match-up is always one of my favorites. Both teams feature strong personalities for coaches and hot quarterbacks (yes, I can admit that Mark Sanchez is a babe). So let’s analyze who has the better team, The DVR Files-style.

Coaches

Bill Belichick versus Rex Ryan

I need to take a dump.

I’m hungry!

If we look at mere records, Belichick is clearly the winner. As a head coach overall, he is 175-97, and 139-53 with the Patriots, including three Super Bowl rings. Ryan is 31-23 with the Jets, his only time as a head coach, and no Super Bowl jewels. But please, you know I don’t care about any of that. Let’s gossip instead!

Both coaches have weathered their share of scandal. And I’m not going to bother with Rex’s boasts that his team would win the Super Bowl or Belichick’s sideline taping. Booo-ring. Let’s talk about their sex lives!

Belichick allegedly carried on an affair with one-time Giants receptionist Sharon Shenocca which contributed to her divorce around 2007. Bill himself was divorced from his wife Debby Clarke at the time. At any rate–he gave Shelly oodles of money including a monthly $3000 allowance plus he bought her a house in Brooklyn and paid for her Jersey Shore rental. I’m jealous!

Ryan, on the other hand, was a bit more loyal to his wife. After undergoing lap-band surgery in March 2010, Rex was apparently feeling studly. So studly, in fact, that he made a series of foot fetish videos with his wife Michelle. Granted, we never see Rex, but that camera man sure sounds like him!

So, in terms of being a shameless bad ass, I have to declare that Bill Belichick is the winner. Rex Ryan just waves that freak flag proudly!

Join me later when we talk about the quarterbacks . . . .

Boo F—ing Hoo.

Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel got married yesterday. In Italy. Of course they did. Is Justin’s hometown of Memphis too low budget for them?

I’m not crying because I’m a bitter bitch, I’m weeping tears of Cheeto crumbs because this means that Britney Spears will now never become Britney Timberlake.

More people should try the denim on denim look. For realz.

I’ll say a simple mazel tov to the new couple because I’m a class act, but in the back of my head I hope they divorce and Just rescues Britney and then they become the Annette Funicello/Frankie Avalon of the 1990s Mickey Mouse Club and remake Back to the Beach! A girl can dream!

We can only hope that Brit Brit and Justin will grow up to have hair that amazing.

Could there be anything more early ’90s than Cindy Crawford? Well, besides Nirvana, teen angst, and the movie Backdraft which my parents let me see in the movie theater even though it was rated R.

If only she’d get rid of that mole she’d be gorgeous.

And while acting on the big screen was not Cindy’s strong point (Hello, Fair Game), she did ROCK as a commercial star!

I think I love her the most because she didn’t even drink Diet Pepsi! She drank regular Pepsi!

You should be happy to know she is continuing her success as a spokeswoman for Raymour & Flanigan. Woohoo!

Okay, I’ll be upfront with you. I’m a Red Sox fan. 2004 was one of the best years of life because 1) I had a British boyfriend named Dr. Love for a few months and 2) the Red Sox won the World Series after an 86 year drought. Who could forget Game 4 when they were down 3-0 in the ALCS, the Yankees virtually set to clench the pennant, and then BOOM, Dave Roberts stole second base, Bill Mueller singled him in, the game went into extra innings, and then David Ortiz hit a two run home run that catapulted the Sox into a wave of success that ultimately led them to win the World Series?

Me and Papa Simons will always remember!

At any rate, there were traces of the 2004 ALCS series in the air this year, and unfortch not with the Sox. Let’s just forget this season ever happened to them. Onwards. So the Yankees were playing the Detroit Tigers in the ALCS, and they were down 3-0 as of yesterday. And while the Red Sox fans had been full of hope in 2004–sort of, let’s be honest, there were many doom and gloomers among us–none of my Stanks fan friends were quite so optimistic as Derek Jeter had broken his ankle during Game 1 so the chances for a Yankee victory were low. Even Sox fans felt bad because Jeter has always been a class act, unlike his teammate Alex Rodriguez who was too busy trying to pick up girls to care about his team’s performance.

In a game of F—, Marry, Kill, I’d F— A Rod, Marry Jeter, and kill myself for considering sex and matrimony with a Yankee.

However, while I actually do have a bit of sympathy for the YankMes, I am happy for the Tigers because Detroit needs some positive energy going their way. And honestly, it’s really hard to feel bad for multi-millionaire ball players when I am fretting that my Con Ed bill is twenty bucks higher than it was at this time last year.

And yes, while it blows that Jeter is injured, he’s doing JUST fine. I’m sure his 22-year-old lady friend Hannah Davis, who also happens to be a Victoria’s Secret model, is busy comforting him and his gimp leg.

That ankle will get tender loving care I’m sure.

Life is SO Unfair. Like when I go to a supermarket and I really want a Skor bar, and all they have is a Heath bar. Or when I want to watch Real Housewives of Atlanta, but only Real Housewives of Miami is on. Or when I go to a restaurant and order a Diet Pepsi, and they only have Tab. You get the picture.

I might as well just pour a packet of Sweet’N Low in my drink.

Perhaps the most tragic element of my entire childhood was that I was not born a twin. Oh how I dreamed about wearing identical clothes to another girl who was as beautiful to me. Oh how I dreamed of starring in the remake of The Parent Trap before another redhead stole my thunder!

How the mighty have fallen!

And of course, how I dreamed about picking up men while chewing Doublemint gum!

How great were the the 1980s!!! You could be flat-chested and just waltz around a pool looking like Princess Diana and just pick up men with frosty tips like you’re the BOSS. So. Frigging. Jealous.

Confesh: I literally have no sense of smell. I’m what you call an anosmiac, which means I can’t detect odors AT ALL. Sometimes it’s a blessing: farts are just cute little noises, the New York City Subway can be a pleasant transportation experience, and skunks are adorable furry animals who want to hang out with Pepe Le Pew.

Does he smell something bad, or is he just reacting to the tv show The Killing? I wouldn’t know.

So when Nick Lachey brags that he LOVES smelling his son Camden, I’m all, 1) Don’t rub it in and 2) Who gives a flying f—?

He IS cute! Maybe he will date Jessica Simpson’s daughter Maxwell?

I want to like you Nick, but enough of the boring ass press releases! Next time I hear from your publicist I want there to be a sex tape to be involved. Not that I’d watch it or anything.