Life is SO Unfair. Like when I go to a supermarket and I really want a Skor bar, and all they have is a Heath bar. Or when I want to watch Real Housewives of Atlanta, but only Real Housewives of Miami is on. Or when I go to a restaurant and order a Diet Pepsi, and they only have Tab. You get the picture.

I might as well just pour a packet of Sweet’N Low in my drink.

Perhaps the most tragic element of my entire childhood was that I was not born a twin. Oh how I dreamed about wearing identical clothes to another girl who was as beautiful to me. Oh how I dreamed of starring in the remake of The Parent Trap before another redhead stole my thunder!

How the mighty have fallen!

And of course, how I dreamed about picking up men while chewing Doublemint gum!

How great were the the 1980s!!! You could be flat-chested and just waltz around a pool looking like Princess Diana and just pick up men with frosty tips like you’re the BOSS. So. Frigging. Jealous.