Boo F—ing Hoo.

Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel got married yesterday. In Italy. Of course they did. Is Justin’s hometown of Memphis too low budget for them?

I’m not crying because I’m a bitter bitch, I’m weeping tears of Cheeto crumbs because this means that Britney Spears will now never become Britney Timberlake.

More people should try the denim on denim look. For realz.

I’ll say a simple mazel tov to the new couple because I’m a class act, but in the back of my head I hope they divorce and Just rescues Britney and then they become the Annette Funicello/Frankie Avalon of the 1990s Mickey Mouse Club and remake Back to the Beach! A girl can dream!

We can only hope that Brit Brit and Justin will grow up to have hair that amazing.