Okay, I am excited because today my hometown team the New England Patriots are playing the New York Jets which means the game will be on tv in New York (where I live) and I won’t have to check NFL.com all afternoon. Woohoo!

And while I never quite understand what the hell is going on in football, I do watch it faithfully every Sunday. And the Pats/Jets match-up is always one of my favorites. Both teams feature strong personalities for coaches and hot quarterbacks (yes, I can admit that Mark Sanchez is a babe). So let’s analyze who has the better team, The DVR Files-style.

Coaches

Bill Belichick versus Rex Ryan

I need to take a dump.

I’m hungry!

If we look at mere records, Belichick is clearly the winner. As a head coach overall, he is 175-97, and 139-53 with the Patriots, including three Super Bowl rings. Ryan is 31-23 with the Jets, his only time as a head coach, and no Super Bowl jewels. But please, you know I don’t care about any of that. Let’s gossip instead!

Both coaches have weathered their share of scandal. And I’m not going to bother with Rex’s boasts that his team would win the Super Bowl or Belichick’s sideline taping. Booo-ring. Let’s talk about their sex lives!

Belichick allegedly carried on an affair with one-time Giants receptionist Sharon Shenocca which contributed to her divorce around 2007. Bill himself was divorced from his wife Debby Clarke at the time. At any rate–he gave Shelly oodles of money including a monthly $3000 allowance plus he bought her a house in Brooklyn and paid for her Jersey Shore rental. I’m jealous!

Ryan, on the other hand, was a bit more loyal to his wife. After undergoing lap-band surgery in March 2010, Rex was apparently feeling studly. So studly, in fact, that he made a series of foot fetish videos with his wife Michelle. Granted, we never see Rex, but that camera man sure sounds like him!

So, in terms of being a shameless bad ass, I have to declare that Bill Belichick is the winner. Rex Ryan just waves that freak flag proudly!

Join me later when we talk about the quarterbacks . . . .