The DVR Files

Well, THIS is a bummer for old school Beverly Hills, 90210 fans.

Kelly Taylor and Steve Sanders have like zero chance of ever getting together, because Ian Ziering–the actor who played Steve–is expecting a second child with his wife Erin.

I can only imagine what kind of hair their baby would have. Probably all around awesome hair.

I GUESS I’ll say Mazel Tov to Ian, because he is Jewish after all. But honestly, I can’t say I’m happy about this.

Well, heck, maybe Kelly can get back with Dylan, now that they’re both divorced in real life.

Oh this is rich.

Emma Roberts, Nancy Drew and the 21-year-old actress niece of Julia Roberts, paid homage to her aunt’s classic role as a hooker by dressing up for Halloween as Vivian Ward from Pretty Woman with her boyfriend Tate from American Horror Story.

Who wore it better?

Jesus F—ing Christ. And I thought I wore a slutty costume by dressing up as retro stewardess who wants to take you to the mile high club!

Just another day at the office!

I just can’t get on board with this. I mean, if you’re going to emulate your aunt in one of her iconic roles, just do Erin Brockovich. You get to be a do-gooder, and STILL look slutty!

Saving the world one boob at a time.

Oh my God Pauly D and Vinny left the Jersey Shore to come to New York City this week! Normally–this would be the kind of thing where not a single f— was given . . . BUT this time I have to give them two thumbs up because they ate at my favorite pizza place, Artichoke!

I just want to run my fingers through their hair because it is probably so soft.

A slice of artichoke pizza at Artichoke Basille’s Pizzeria & Bar will cost you $5 and about 4200 Weight Watchers Points, but it is WORTH IT because it is delicious. It is essentially spinach artichoke dip poured onto focaccia bread and it is a gift from God if God were Paula Deen in the pre-diabetes years.

It is much better in person.

If you don’t want to clog up your arteries you can also try their margherita, crab or Sicilian slices which are also AMAZING.

So Pauly D and Vinny I commend you on your good taste! Probably the only time anyone has ever said that to you!

Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel must be wiping their brows while uttering “Phew!” because Bravo’s Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger just endorsed their marriage!

Patti Stanger likes us! It must be because my hair is not curly and I am not a redhead. Let’s jump for joy!

Patti, who used to sport bangs that doubled as a helmet, is the ultimate expert on love and looks. All this despite not ever having married herself, but that’s neither here nor there. She explains that Justin and Jess are in it for the long haul because they are super old at age 31 and 30, respectively: “These two aren’t naïve spring chickens . . . these two are mature – especially for Hollywood.”

The sad thing is I own this book.

Hey, if it doesn’t work out, Justin and Jessica can BOTH utilize Patti’s service, The Millionaire’s Club, which annoys me not for what it does (match rich losers with trashy golddiggers) but rather because it is grammatically incorrect! Is there just ONE millionaire??? The apostrophe should be AFTER the S! As in The Millionaires’ Club. Gosh.

I’ll shut up now. And don’t say a word if I made any spelling or grammar mistakes in this post.

I got glasses for the first time twenty years ago when I was, er, 4. That’s right. 4. (Okay, I was actually 13, but whatevs).

“Glasses will make you look smart,” my mom told me. Well, gee, thanks. I AM smart, I don’t need to look smart too! My membership on the math team, my reigning spelling bee championship, and position on the high honor roll confirmed my dateless existence/intelligence just fine, thankyouverymuch. The glasses just put the nail in the coffin.

I’m sure this perm didn’t help either.

So I am thrilled that two decades later Hollywood has held onto perhaps the biggest stereotype in the world: that brainiacs wear glasses. And perhaps none is a bigger example than this than Alex Dunphy on Modern Family.

Let’s place chess! Checkers is too easy!

Ariel Winter, the 14-year-old actress who plays Alex, takes this prejudice one step further. At an event for Ronald McDonald’s House (good girl, I approve of this charity), she explains to my Bible People mag:

It’s not that difficult to balance [work and school] . . . I’m big into school. I really try to make it work . . . I want to go to college. I want to go to film school at NYU. I used to want to go to medical school. I wanted to be a forensic scientist. There were so many things I wanted to do.

GEEK!

Don’t get me wrong, I think that it’s great that she wants to continue her education, Hermione Granger-style. But why don’t they ever ask her sister Haley about college?

That’s right because she has perfect eyesight and bangs her boyfriend Dylan. That’s why.

Can you blame her? He’s a rock star.

The pressure, of course, is weighing heavily on Alex/Ariel. In fact, she so wanted to bust out of her role as a big old dweeb that she showed off her budding cleavage at last year’s Emmys as a 13-year-old. Ewww, I know.

Stop looking, pervs. She’s 13!

So Alex/Ariel, keep the good grades up, but please have a little scandal while wearing your glasses. That would stick it to the man!

Two months ago, I thought I found Rudy’s friend Peter from the The Cosby Show on an episode of Louie. Alas–it was not him–but apparently I am not the only person obsessed with the adorable chubby silent type as the post quickly became the second post popular entry in DVR Files history!

I want to pinch those cheeks!

In real life–the actor who played Peter Chiara  is named Peter Costa and he is right around my age (not 25, despite what you think!). He does not act anymore, unfortunately, but apparently he plays the drums in a few bands like Torrential Downpour, the Kreptaka Bar Band and PT Grimm, all based in New Jersey. Maybe I’ll go see him in concert!

I will not, however, let him make me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

So yesterday I talked about how much I would love to chug a bottle of Schmitts Gay on a hot summer day.

Today, I would prefer dousing my mashed potatoes in Crystal Gravy!

Yum!

Again, I can’t actually post the video, click here to taste all that is good in this world.

Now I need to head to the vending machine for a can of Crystal Pepsi!

Boo F—ing Hoo. Mark Sanchez and Eva Longoria have broken up.

I did not see this one coming AT ALL.

And I had just declared him the best QB in the Pats vs the Jets! I mean, Tom Brady is way better, but Mark is the bigger stud! And I loved that he dated an older woman!

I wonder who Eva will go after next. She likes them young. And probably not virgins, so no Tim Tebow.

LeAnn Rimes is at it again.

After one million bikini photos, several Twitter wars, a 30th birthday where she boasted how AMAZING HER LIFE IS, and rehab for “stress,” the bitch is trying to get our sympathy AGAIN.

This Thursday she’ll be on Katie Couric’s eponymous show Katie where she explains, “People look at you and go, ‘Why are you struggling?’ … No one can quite understand why you hurt so badly.”

You know why? Because of this:

Look at me!

And this:

Not staged at all!

And finally this:

I look so natural!

Look, LeAnn–you are right. you might be very sad and hurt inside. I get it. But you know what? You haven’t made yourself very sympathetic. You ruined your first marriage. You ruined someone else’s marriage. And you would NOT. SHUT. UP. In fact–I imagine you send out more tweets than you eat in calories every day.

So please, go under that rock, stat.

End/rant.