The DVR Files

Every time I need to buy a loaf of break, a container of milk, and a stick of butter, I also want to pick up a nice beautiful flower. But why bother? Why trap such a lovely living creature in my cramped New York City Apartment?

Sesame Street taught me lots of things, like counting, how crayons are made, and that bottle caps are super cool to collect.

I also learned that not all monsters are mean.

They also taught me that flowers have feelings too, and just like people they will weep when they hear Vivaldi. So remember that next time you listen to classical music while watering your plants in your apartment. Just saying.

Today everyone’s (former) favorite one-nut bicyclist Lance Armstrong’s interview with Oprah will air on CBS News. Apparently he is going to admit to the crazy ass doping scandal that he partook in that stripped him of his record seven Tour de France victories.

Live strong!

Now, don’t get me wrong. This sh–sucks all around. As an elite athlete myself–I’ve run a 4:42 marathon people–it is a huge disappointment (to put it mildly) that someone who overcame so much, someone that was so inspiring to cancer survivors, turned out to be a major fraud.

Truth be told, I still haven’t forgiven Armstrong for dumping Sheryl Crow two weeks before she was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2006. His reason: she wanted to get married and have kids. Ugh, DOUCHE. Years later he explained of the breakup:

We were up against her biological clock – that pressure is what cracked it. Because if somebody wants a child – man, that’s the greatest gift you can give a woman.

Every day is a winding road through Hell when you are dating a crazy ass egomaniac.

Funny, and I thought the greatest gift you could give a woman is being a good man. Awesome sex would not hurt either.

It might only be January, but wouldn’t it be so nice if you could eat a Cadbury Creme Egg STAT?

Oh wait, look what I found at my local drugstore . . . .

Christ rose so that you could eat this sweet stuff. Don’t know about the Ritz Bits though.

Resolutions be damned, we are Americans, and we want our candy. And even though Easter is months away and we haven’t even had a chance to eat a conversation heart for Valentine’s Day, I want to put my myself in a diabetic coma ASAP. Rabbits–start laying eggs. Okay?

You know who agrees with me? Office star B.J. Novak. But he’d like the eggs a little bigger please.

Well that was quick. Just months after Olivia Wilde announced that her vagina had died, it’s alive again. That’s right, home girl is engaged to Jason Sudeikis.

That’s an alive vagina if I ever saw one.

Olivia clearly likes marriage. Just 28, she is apparently on the Elizabeth Taylor/Jennifer Lopez wedding track. She was wed to Italian prince Tao Raspoli from 2003 to 2011. Why waste time? It’s like she’s a Kenyan marathon runner or something, always in it for the long haul.

Mazel tov, I guess.

Last night at the Golden Globes Jodie Foster won some big lifetime award and she gave a rambling speech where apparently she came out as a lesbian. I’m not shocked that she likes the ladies–nobody is–but she made zero sense and I honestly could not tell what the hell she was talking about. Mel Gibson is the father of her kids? She’s not Honey Boo Boo’s mother? Whaaaaa?

Have the lambs stopped screaming?

Now, I still like Jodie and more power to her. She has always been a class act and a great role model for women. I was just a little bit disappointed that she did not talk about her most important role ever: Annabelle in the original Freaky Friday.

Adorbs!

Just like Jodie, Annabelle also is prone to giving speeches that may you wonder what the flying f— she is talking about.

Oh this is too rich.

Nice teeth!

Sofia Vergara, one of the most modest people on the planet (next to Kim Kardashian of course), explains to People Mag on the eve of the Golden Globes that you can’t control wardrobe malfunctions.

While she’s absolutely correct, you CAN control tweeting about them. Thank God Sofia Vergara has no shame! Because of her selfless need to share her life, Sofia tweeted this lovely photo to her 3 million plus followers back in September during the Emmys.

Nice view! 

I am sure American men are hoping for a similar incident tonight. Let’s wait and see! I even started following her on Twitter as a precaution.

Stay tuned!

Ugh, it’s BACK. Ugh ugh ugh. My favorite show to hate watch returns this weekend. Yes, I’m talking about Girls.

And let’s face it, these girls probably wears Uggs all the time. Another reason to hate on them. Oh how I do love a homophone.

It breaks my heart to admit that I’ll watch (that is, when I’m not busy devouring my free Showtime). I am a bit curious if Adam and Hannah are still together, if Jessa is still British and married, and if Shoshanna is now a raging slut. And most important of all, will Brian Williams’ daughter masturbate onscreen again?

Tune in this Sunday at 9/8c to find out!!!

Hey kidz, hate to break your heart, but you won’t be seeing me for the next 72 hours. I will be locked in my apartment watching Showtime ALL F—ING WEEKEND!

He will always be David Fisher to me. Where’s Keith???

Just when I was starting to debate the existence of God, He made me a believer again. See, Time Warner Cable is offering free Showtime this weekend from January 11-13. While awesome, this also puts a lot of pressure on me. See, I am running a marathon in five weeks and since I’ve been permanently drunk the past month and a half (sorry Mom!) I REALLY need to start training. But I also need to watch Homeland. What the flying f— is a girl to do? And then the Patriots are playing Sunday at the same time that 50/50 is airing . . . I guess I will just have to flip a coin to see what program will get this girl’s attention!

Now, let’s be honest, Showtime probably only costs an additional $15 a month. But my cable bill is already putting me in major debt and I can only afford one premium channel, and that’s going to be HBO. But who knows, after this weekend I may just have to give up those one or two chai tea lattes I buy a month. Sacrifices, people, sacrifices.

And till I reach that point, let’s watch my all time favorite ending of a show, the last six minutes of Six Feet Under because Michael C. Hall will always be David to me (and that dude from The Mindy Project will always be Claire’s short boyfriend who made her a cool mix tape). NSFW if you are wearing mascara because you will weep like a baby.

In the latest edition of “And Not a Single F— was Given,” People Magazine announced that Ryan Reynolds and his semi-child bride Blake Lively wore coats on a date night in New York City.

Brrrrrr!

Stars, they’re just like us! They sometime have to go outside in the cold. Because they don’t want to freeze, they even wear jackets!

Get the f— out! Who knew?

If stars were REALLY like us, then they’d understand the need for remakes of classic early 1990s tv shows on Nickelodeon. That’s right, Ryan, it’s time to reboot Fifteen! Sing Ryan sing!

Don’t get me wrong. I had an AWESOME Christmas. I received a Key Foods gift card (New York City’s version of the Market Basket, though still way more expenisve), deodorant, a sweater, and man more great things. But the one thing I did NOT receive is a Craftmatic Adjustable Bed.

That’s exactly what I want to do in my bed. Play board games with kids!

How can I call myself an adult???

Growing up I was convinced of a few things. One, I would marry Brandon Walsh. Two, I would have an affair with Dylan McKay. And three, I would own a Craftmatic Adjustable Bed because who does not want to eat, drink, and watch tv in your bed at the SAME TIME!

AND YOU GET A FREE ALARM CLOCK TELEPHONE COUPON!

Instead, I ordered my bed from 1-800-Mattress. I did get a pillow top, so I’m slightly fancy.