The DVR Files

Do you ever dream about watching MTV in the 1980s? You’d get to watch these things like music videos and see these neat people called VJs, like Downtown Julie Brown and Martha Quinn. Ah, those were the days.

I’m Martha Quinn and I’m adorable!

Perhaps the greatest staple of 1980s was the politically correct socially conscious song. And I’m not talking “We Are The World,” those that was bitching too.

Nope, one of my all time favorite songs of that era was none other than Suzanne Vega’s hit “Luka” about an abused kid. Who did not sing along (without knowing what the hell you were talking about) to these words, “My name is Luka/ I live on the second floor/ I live upstairs from you/Yes I think you’ve seen me before.” It had such a catchy beat! Watch exhibit A below. And remember, I was a kid myself, so don’t judge.

Soooooo . . . I should be waiting to post this on Valentine’s Day, but what’s the point, you deserve to hear my story now.

Me in 2007. How sultry!

See, back in 2007 there was this awesome website called Myspace. You could post really cool designs and songs and clips of your favorite tv shows, like Diff’rent Strokes. You could also write a blog, which I did. At least, I did for 5 minutes. And here is one of few collector’s edition entries I wrote way back in  the day. It meant help explain why I like tv so much (I also read books, folks). So here we go. Enjoy:

Let’s play the Pyramid people!

Can you Feel the Love Tonight. Love is All Around Us. I Can’t Help Falling in Love.

Hell, I’ll even put in the song Closer (just the line “I want to f— you like an animal”, really).

What do these all have in common?

Songs that make Liz super f—ing depressed on Valentine’s Day!!!

Now, I am not a bitter New York City woman. I mean how could I be when I have such a sultry picture as seen on Myspace? Would you believe it if I told you I was on the math team in high school?  That I listen to the song “Oh Holy Night” year round? That this past Saturday night I stayed home alone with a bottle of wine and watched President Ford’s funeral on the DVR (Why did he have to die?)?

Yes people, as hard as it is to believe, I have my moments of geekdom. Well, more than moments, more like years. And I celebrate my nerdiness. I’m okay with this. After all, this nerdiness won me the spelling bee in 8th grade and as a result I am the proud owner of the biggest trophy out of all two of my siblings.

But being single on Valentine’s Day? Goddamn f—ing sucks.

Most of the time it’s more fun to be single. You can flirt with cute boys. You can do whatever you want on weekends with whomever you want. No one asks you “When’s he going to pop the question?” and/or remark “Oh he got you that cubic zirconium pendant at Zales . . . he must really, um, love you by giving you that cheap piece of sh–.”

But on Valentine’s Day, being single means you can sit at home eating a Lean Cuisine wearing your new pajama pants with hearts on them that your mom sent you while getting caught up on the 8 hours of television that you’ve DVRed Sunday through Tuesday. The Apprentice, I Love New York, White Rapper Show, American Idol, and Bad Girls Club. Okay that’s only 4 and a half hours. 5 and a half if you count Wednesday’s episode of Idol. Sorry for exaggerating.

On Valentine’s Day, being single means that you can look forward to all the candy going on sale for 50% off the day after at CVS. And then eating all that candy, thus making you fat, thus sealing your single for life fate.

The cruel, cruel cycle!

So all single people, your friend Liz wishes you a Happy F—ing Valentine’s Day. And I mean literally. Why the f— not?

The rest of you couples, just smell your roses and be done with it! And remember what happened to the most famous lovers of all time, Romeo and Juliet. They died!

Cackle, cackle.

Love always,

Liz!

So, everyone is all about Daniel Day-Lewis as Abraham Lincoln in Steven Spielberg’s latest comedy Lincoln. Day-Lewis won the Golden Globe for Best Actor and has been nominated for an Oscar. Odds are that he will win.

He’s hotter in The Last of the Mohicans.

HOWEVER, I prefer ANOTHER Lincoln.

PARTY ON, DUDES!

Remember this guy? He played Lincoln in the most important movie of all time, Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure.

Where is HIS Oscar???

Confesh: I am a terrible American today. I woke up this morning thinking Hallelujah, no work! Did I care that President Obama was being inaugurated for his second term? Did I care that today is a day to celebrate the birthday of slain civil rights leader Martin Luther King, Jr. who would have turned only 84 on January 15? Um, I wish I could say I did, but in my mind I was all, EXTRA SLEEP!

Two cool cats. It’s a shame that they never got to meet.

So now that we have established that I am kind of an awful person, let me tell you I was not always that way. Growing up in an almost all white town in suburban Boston, I had a deep respect for civil rights. And you bet your ass on MLK Day I would plug my tush in front of the tv and watch one of the endless movies or specials that they ran on that Monday.

My favorite TV movie of this era? Unconquered starring a young and handsome Dermot Mulroney.

What a babe!

Unconquered was released in 1989 and set in the 1960s South. It was tangentially based on the real life of Richmond Flowers, Jr., a white dude played by Mulroney who was the son of the pro-civil rights Attorney General of Alabama Richmond Flowers, Sr. Anyway, Junior wanted to be a football player but he faced opposition due to some physical stuff plus all the racist white people in his hometown. He befriended this chick named Cindy and this boy named Arnie, a major geek whose dad also happened to publish a liberal newspaper. Somewhere, Martin Luther King, Jr. factored into the movie.

But of course, that’s not what I remember. What I DO recall is that Arnie, played by Jon Cryer lookalike Frank Whaley, hung himself. Yup, I like to turn a sunny day rainy. And because I LOVED to cry as a kid–favorite movie was Beaches what can I say–I felt so bad for Arnie and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.

Frank’s character in Swing Kids also committed suicide. Poor guy couldn’t catch a break!

I have not watched Unconquered for 24 years (holy sh– I can’t believe I have memories that old. Quick, pass the vino so I can drown my sorrows away) but it always stuck with me. But with the second inauguration of President Barack Obama, I can now look ahead!

It’s no secret how I feel about Girls. While I am backed up on my DVR and have yet to see last week’s season premiere, I have been begrudgingly following them in the news. First, the show won a Golden Globe for Best Television Series – Comedy or Musical and Lena Dunham picked up the statue for best comic/musical actress (beating out f—ing Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Tina Fey, among others!!!).

You like me, you really like me!

Second, Dunham went on Howard Stern this past Wednesday where she defended her appearance by claiming that “I’m not super thin, but I’m thin, for like, Detroit.” Face palm. I get what she’s trying to say here but it comes off as completely smug and condescending. Failure. I almost feel bad for her in the way she constantly puts her foot in her mouth (anyone remember the tweets she sent to B.J. Novak and Mindy Kaling about dressing up as Canadian serial killers and one of their victims?) but then I am reminder she got a $3.5 million advance to write a book so, nope, no sympathy for her!

And then the final Girls news of the week, for now, is Allison’s Williams’ interview with Company magazine where she makes zero sense:

There were moments reading the script that I thought, ‘WOW, okay! It’s the most private thing anyone can do, but being an actress can make you feel vulnerable.

Is she talking about her infamous masturbating in public scene? Dumping her boyfriend while riding him? So many choices, so much vulnerability.

Williams then goes onto to make a prediction that we as human beings of a certain age have to do everything to do disprove: she proclaims that Girls is “like a digital time capsule – people will watch it in 20 years time, and it will sum up a certain generation.”

Human beings-please make other digital time capsules. NOW!

Here is the 2013’s first nomination for the “And Not a Single F— Was Given” Hall of Fame: Aaron Carter’s ex Hilary Duff went to a bakery in Beverly Hills and ordered a dozen cupcakes!

Remember when she was Lindsay Lohan’s nemesis? Ah, those were the days!

Wow, how exciting! I wonder what kind she chose? Wait–you HAVE this information?

one black and white, one chocolate coconut, one cinnamon sugar, two peanut butter chocolates, one pumpkin, two red velvets, one vanilla milk chocolate, one German chocolate, one triple cinnamon and one chocolate peppermint.

What the hell is the difference between a cinnamon sugar and triple cinnamon? Do they make a double cinnamon? I NEED TO KNOW.

I almost feel bad for famous people. Can they even go to a restaurant without someone posting it to TMZ??? But then I am reminded they are rich and can buy an article of clothing for full price at Banana Republic while I have to wait for it to go on the clearance rack. Bitches.

Well this is sad. Conrad Bain, aka Mr. Drummond, aka the rich white dude who adopted two poor black kids on the best show ever Diff’rent Strokes, has died. He was 89.

Damn, only one of these people is still alive. Okay I am a Debbie Downer.

Admittedly, when my friend Shannon emailed me that he had passed I was all, wait, didn’t he already kick the bucket? But nope, he was still trucking it.

Diff’rent Strokes has had a tragic legacy. Both Dana Plato (Kimberly) and Gary Coleman (Arnold) died young, and sole survivor Todd Bridges battled drug problems and an attempted murder charge in the late ’80s.

But let’s remember happier times, when Arnold learned how to defend himself against the Gooch!

Well you krazy kidz you, it’s time to “Warm It Up” because you will be “Jump Jump”-ing in the air soon because Kriss Kross are coming back. I think.

I f—ing called it that the one on the right would be hot some day.

Apparently, Daddy Mac and Mac Daddy are reuniting for one night to celebrate the 20th anniversary of So So Def Recordings. I wonder what they will sing? “Lil’ Boys in da Hood”? “I Missed the Bus”?  “Can’t Stop the Bum Rush”? The possibilities are endless! Well, not really, as they only released three albums before breaking up in 1996.

I need to buy a Red Sox jersey, stat!

So grab a shirt and flip that sh– around (or you can buy a backwards cardigan) and celebrate the early ’90s greatest fashion icons ever!!!

Let’s just hope that Another Bad Creation follow suit and get back together. A girl can wish, ever if her name is not Iesha.

Okay, truth time. This is not something I am proud to admit, but I am really f—ing jealous of children of famous people.

Yes I dress better than you. Gotta problem with that, bitches?

They get to do all sorts of fun things, like hang out with rich people (their parents), have rich people people buy them things (again, their parents), and star in movies that rich people probably bought for them (Jaden and Willow Smith’s parents). It’s so f—ing unfair.

One child of famous people bucks that trend. She is a super geeky kid who wears glasses, striped socks, and loves to f–ing read. Oh yes, I am talking about Violet Affleck.

You know her favorite movie of her dad’s is Voyage of the Mimi because it has science and stuff.

I just love the Affleck/Garner clan. The kids are normal, they look like they wear clothes from Target, and I haven’t seen them in any movies. Plus they are totally like MY family, except richer: Mom is slightly older than Dad, and then the birth order of the kidz is girl (Vi), girl (Seraphina), boy (Sam). And they’re Red Sox fans!

They hope their family portrait can be this cute.

So Violet, thank you for saving me from being a misanthrope. And can I PLEASE borrow your Big Dog/Little Dog costume when I am pregnant with my second kid???

Squeal!