Soooooo . . . I should be waiting to post this on Valentine’s Day, but what’s the point, you deserve to hear my story now.
See, back in 2007 there was this awesome website called Myspace. You could post really cool designs and songs and clips of your favorite tv shows, like Diff’rent Strokes. You could also write a blog, which I did. At least, I did for 5 minutes. And here is one of few collector’s edition entries I wrote way back in the day. It meant help explain why I like tv so much (I also read books, folks). So here we go. Enjoy:
Let’s play the Pyramid people!
Can you Feel the Love Tonight. Love is All Around Us. I Can’t Help Falling in Love.
Hell, I’ll even put in the song Closer (just the line “I want to f— you like an animal”, really).
What do these all have in common?
Songs that make Liz super f—ing depressed on Valentine’s Day!!!
Now, I am not a bitter New York City woman. I mean how could I be when I have such a sultry picture as seen on Myspace? Would you believe it if I told you I was on the math team in high school? That I listen to the song “Oh Holy Night” year round? That this past Saturday night I stayed home alone with a bottle of wine and watched President Ford’s funeral on the DVR (Why did he have to die?)?
Yes people, as hard as it is to believe, I have my moments of geekdom. Well, more than moments, more like years. And I celebrate my nerdiness. I’m okay with this. After all, this nerdiness won me the spelling bee in 8th grade and as a result I am the proud owner of the biggest trophy out of all two of my siblings.
But being single on Valentine’s Day? Goddamn f—ing sucks.
Most of the time it’s more fun to be single. You can flirt with cute boys. You can do whatever you want on weekends with whomever you want. No one asks you “When’s he going to pop the question?” and/or remark “Oh he got you that cubic zirconium pendant at Zales . . . he must really, um, love you by giving you that cheap piece of sh–.”
But on Valentine’s Day, being single means you can sit at home eating a Lean Cuisine wearing your new pajama pants with hearts on them that your mom sent you while getting caught up on the 8 hours of television that you’ve DVRed Sunday through Tuesday. The Apprentice, I Love New York, White Rapper Show, American Idol, and Bad Girls Club. Okay that’s only 4 and a half hours. 5 and a half if you count Wednesday’s episode of Idol. Sorry for exaggerating.
On Valentine’s Day, being single means that you can look forward to all the candy going on sale for 50% off the day after at CVS. And then eating all that candy, thus making you fat, thus sealing your single for life fate.
The cruel, cruel cycle!
So all single people, your friend Liz wishes you a Happy F—ing Valentine’s Day. And I mean literally. Why the f— not?
The rest of you couples, just smell your roses and be done with it! And remember what happened to the most famous lovers of all time, Romeo and Juliet. They died!