The DVR Files

March 13, 2012 was a sad day in some ways and a great day in others. Sad Day: Jennie Garth announced that she and Peter Facinelli were divorcing after eleven years of marriage.

Peter was probably just jealous of Brandon.

Great Day: The DVR Files was born!

So as we gear up to celebrate our first birthday just one day away, I am committed to writing 30 more posts (this counts as one, so 29 then!) to cap us at an even 365. Egads. That’s a lot of TV.

But if anyone can do it, Liz at The DVR Files can, because I am awesome and talented and a lot of other things that I don’t want to write because then I’ll sound conceited.

Okay, the theme of the week for The DVR Files is either birth or death. First I’ve talked about a bunch of hypothetical babies that should have been born to Justin and Kelly, Brandon and Emily, and Mary Anne and Logan. Then we learned the truly tragic news that Valerie Harper is suffering from inoperable terminal cancer. There are no other words except what a f—ing bummer.

This will make you smile.

Truth be told–my first reaction (besides “What a f—ing bummer”) when I heard the news was that it reminded me a lot of when Warren Zevon passed away almost ten years ago.

Warren, for all of you clueless heathens, was an American rock and roller like no other who sang awesome hits including “Excitable Boy,” “Lawyers, Guns and Money,” and my all time favorite song to sing with my dad, “Werewolves of London” which for years made me think he was British. At any rate, Zevon, like Harper, was diagnosed with terminal cancer and began a long farewell tour in 2002, which culminated with his last public appearance on longtime fan David Letterman’s show on October 30, 2002, where he was the sole guest of the hour. His final performance was “Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner” which I have posted below.

Zevon fought the battle against cancer for nearly another year, living to see the birth of his twin grandsons in June before passing away in September, 2003. His strength and spirit, as well as Valerie Harper’s, is a lesson to all that life is a gift.

MMMBop! Those Hanson brother sure know to make babies!

Which is funny because I didn’t know adolescent girls could make sperm.

You see, middle brother Taylor (the hot one) and his wife Natalie recently welcomed their FIFTH child to their brood and named her Wilhelmina. People magazine asked Natalie to explain why they named her Wilhelmina, and I now I have to explain why I clicked on the link. Slow news day, I guess.

While I figured Natalie would say something along the lines of, “After having four other children in ten years, I was all, who the cares about names!” she said something along the lines of it is feminine and can have lots of nicknames. Sounds EXACTLY like my name, Elizabeth. We’re practically twins!

Wilhelmina joins her 3300 first cousins, including Zac’s kids John and Junia and Isaac’s tot Clarke. Mazel tov!

Everyone knows that Mary Anne Spier, secretary of The Baby-sitters Club since 1986, has NEVER made a mistake when scheduling an all important appointment in Stoneybrook, CT, located in Fairfield County near the big city of Stamford. After her mother passed away while Mary Anne was a baby, her father had been SUPER strict and made her wear braids in her hair every day because everyone knows braids=prude virgin.

They also mean aspiring nurse practitioner. After all, who else could save super annoying Jenny Prezioso? And no, I didn’t have to look her name up.

Luckily, Mary Anne’s dad reconnected with an old love who just happened to be BSC alternate officer Dawn Schafer’s mother. I’m assuming he was getting sex on a regular occasion, so homeboy loosened up and let Mary Anne wear makeup and her hair down. With her new found confidence, she started dating Louisville, Kentucky transplant Logan Bruno.

You put a bow in your hair and all the boys come flocking. Noted.

Now, Mary Anne and Logan remained together for a few years. I think. I stopped reading at book 60 (Mary Anne’s Makeover), published in 1993. The ladies of the BSC had been in 8th grade at Stoneybrook Middle School for about 19 years at that point. But let’s just assume Mary Anne and Logan dated on off through Stoneybrook High graduation. I bet Mary Anne went to Barnard in New York City and Logan returned to the South and attended Clemson University. Mary Anne probably returned to the city where she worked in research data for the CNN network, and Logan moved to Charlotte where he became a banker and got married to Deb, a cheerleader from Auburn, at age 27. They have three kids named Autumn, Logan Junior, and Anderson.

Mary Anne is single and living on the Upper West Side.

But I really think their baby together would be awesome! I think Mary Anne would insist on raising it in the city. I bet she’d agree to move to Park Slope to give it a little bit of nature (Prospect Park has a zoo after all). Logan would sigh and be okay with it, as long as they got to spend the holidays in Kentucky.

If only Mary Anne and Logan weren’t fictional, we’d be able to find out if they were still together. Sigh.

Valerie Harper has terminal brain cancer.

Yes that adorable boy in the color blocked sweater is the man who would become Teen Wolf 2, Jason Bateman.

Don’t worry folks, my mom raised me right and I won’t be making a snarky comments. I LOVE Valerie Harper. Though I am a little ashamed that my generation’s first impression of her was not as Rhoda Morgenstern on The Mary Tyler Moore Show and then the eponymous Rhoda. No, we loved her for playing Valerie on Valerie, where she was mom to Justine Bateman’s brother Jason (and two other actors who don’t even have wikipedia pages!) and wife to Dylan McKay’s dad/Roman on Days of Our Lives.

Sure, Valerie was great. And then after two seasons the producers actually killed Valerie off due to contract disputes. But the show must go on, and the powers that be cast the female Columbo, Sandy Duncan*, as the aunt that would now raise Valerie’s family. The show was rechristened, you got it, Valerie’s Family, and later on The Hogan Family. It was like Valerie never existed. Even 12 year old me was not cool with that.

So despite her absence on my tv, Valerie Harper has always been in my heart. I am wishing her and her family peace and happiness as they travel this journey together.

And watch this and travel back to 1986. Good times.

*Sandy was only alleged to have a glass eye like Peter Falk, turns out it was just an urban legend, but why be accurate.

Yesterday we discussed that Kelly Clarkson should have given birth to Justin Guarini’s baby. This struck a chord with my billions of fans, as it quickly became the most popular post of the past week. It made me think, which other fictional celebrity couples do we wish had created the next generation together?

Degrassi fans–we can only DREAM that Snake is Emma’s real dad. Nope, Spike had to bang Shane in grade 9.

The answer is obvious, of course. BRANDON WALSH and EMILY VALENTINE.

Look at that adoring gaze.

For all teens who came of age in 1991, Beverly Hills, 90210 was the JAM. The eternal debate was who would you marry: Brandon Walsh or Dylan McKay. I figured I’d wed Brandon and use Dylan as a sidepiece. Only later in life did I realize that this should never happen. Because Brandon Walsh belonged with Emily Valentine. F— Kelly Taylor (well actually, Brandon, DON’T F— Kelly Taylor. Okay thanks).

Sure, Emily was crazy. Sure, she did drugs. Sure, she almost burned down a West Beverly homecoming float. But she and Brandon were meant for each other.

The truly haunting thing is that this baby could have been made, as the actors who portrayed this famous couple, Jason Priestley and Christine Elise, dated in real life from 1992 to 1997. But nope, Brandon Jason ended up marrying makeup artist Naomi Lowde in 2005. They’ve since had two children together. Congrats, I guess.

Watch below if you want to watch a happier time when Emily was sane, and Scott Scanlon was still alive.

One of my absolute favorite things about famous people is their ability to gain weight for a role. What sacrifices they make. They get to eat Twinkies, Ho-Hos, Ding Dongs . . . essentially any Hostess snack on the market . . . and they not only add fifty pounds to their frame, they add an Oscar to their mantle!

I’m talking to YOU Charlize Theron.

Whereas when I eat, say, a six pack of Little Debbie Cosmic Brownies or a whole roll of Rolos, I earn a stamp “Born Again Virgin for Life” on my forehead. It’s really quite unfair when you think about it.

That’s why I’m digging that Jim Carrey finally stands for the truth. Jim lost a bunch of weight to star in The Incredible Burt Wonderstone but he missed the F— out of food.

It’s not a happy place to be . . . I’m back now. I’ve got Mr. Cuddly back and we’re happy. It’s not a natural place to live in that kind of shape. It looks great. It’s fantastic and gets a lot of attention, but you have to eat, like, antimatter to stay in that kind of shape.

I bet Jim did Nutrisystem because I hear that food is BLAND. I don’t care what Marie Osmond says.

We can be thankful for one more thing. Jenny McCarthy obviously never made him vaccinate the sexy disease out of his hot body.

People Magazine will not reveal their Sexiest Man Alive till November, but it’s never too early to start campaigning. After three years of BOYS winning this title (Channing Tatum, Bradley Cooper, and Ryan Reynolds), it’s time for a distinguished gentleman to wear the crown. That’s right, I’m talking about the man you most want to cover your murder if you are so unfortunate as to be murdered, Keith Morrison.

Look at the way he works a stairwell. Only the Sexiest Man Alive could do that.

Keith Morrison is not only the babe of Dateline (sorry Josh Mankiewicz), he’s also the babe of the world. Need proof, like the way that the case against Ryan Ferguson needs more evidence?

Sexiest Falsely Convicted Murderer Alive?

Happy to oblige.

Exhibit A:

This would be a great Match.com profile pic, but Keith is happily married to Matthew Perry’s mom.

Exhibit B:

He’s good with kids. Swoon!

Exhibit C:

Convicted of having a sense of humor!

So there you have it! Let’s put Keith Morrison on trial. I already know the verdict. Guilty of being the sexiest man alive!

Honest to f—ing God, is there no such thing as true love anymore? How else could you explain that Sideshow Bob lookalike and first season American Idol runner up Justin Guarini impregnated someone who is NOT Kelly Clarkson?

They looked so happy together in 2003!

See, Justin’s “wife” gave birth to their second son on February 25. Justin is apparently happy.

Justin is also apparently handsome. Who knew?

Normally I’d be all, yay, congrats on your bebe! But this time I’m all pshaw we will never get that sequel to From Justin to Kelly that the world so deserves.

Yes I am a hater.