The DVR Files

I will never forgive Rachael Leigh Cook.

You see, 14 years ago, when I was a sophomore in college, Rachael starred in this movie called She’s All That. I actually never saw it, but that’s neither here nor there.

Did she pick those flowers herself?

Basically, Rachael played a super big dorkus malorkus and her high school classmate Freddie Prinze, Jr. decided that he would transform her into Prom Queen. Well, low and behold, when she took off her glasses she automatically became hot! Who knew?

Look Ma, I have cleavage now!

Ummmmm . . . that’s NOT HOW IT WORKS! I’ve been wearing glasses since I was 13, and I assure you when I take them off I don’t become a babelicious sexy thang. Nope, I bump into things because I can’t see them.

Well, now Rachael Leigh Cook, perpetrator of this fallacy, continues to one up me. This time she is going to become a mother! That’s right, she and the hubs Daniel Gillies are expecting their first child this fall.

Let’s just hope if their baby has poor eyesight they don’t introduce him/her to Freddie Prinze, Jr.

Sooooo . . . today is a BIT of a crappy day in New York City, where I live. Maybe it’s a crappy day in your town too!

Rain should always look this artistic.

Now, if you find yourself not wanting to do something, like go to work or be nice to people or call your grandmother on the phone, I have the solution for you. Just blame it on the rain!

I don’t care what anyone says, this is still a good jam.

You could REALLY blame it on the rain if it were, say, raining men and you decided to cheat on your boyfriend. Just saying.

Game of Thrones is a great show to watch if you like naked women.

Did you pervs really think I was going to post a picture of a nude lady?

But what about those of us who like hot men? Do they exist in Westeros?

The answer is yes, they do. Now we must ask the important question.

Which one is the hottest?

Let’s discuss.

1) Jon Snow

You can guard ME Jon Snow.

I’ve always thought that love children are the hottest people on Earth because they were created–accidentally–out of an insane need to bone. Jon Snow is proof of this. The bastard child of Ned Stark and some slut (I think–it’s never been confirmed), he serves as part of the Night’s Watch which is a WASTE. I need to infiltrate this community. It’s like the Alaska of Westeros–lots of single, hot, manly men.

2) Robb Stark

Hot AND good with animals? Check please!

Robb is the half brother to Jon Snow and the legitimate child of Ned Stark and his wife Catelyn. He also might be a king, according to some people. He’s a nice, valiant, moral guy, for the most part.

3) Stannis Baratheon

This is a very hipster jpeg for medieval fantasy times.

A dark horse candidate for hottest guy for sure, yet I think Stannis is pretty sexy, even if he communes with a crazy black magic lady. He has ZERO sense of humor, which can be an issue, but I bet he’s great in bed. And he’s another man who might be a king so maybe you’ll get some cool presents.

4) Theon Greyjoy

Is he Mick Jagger’s medieval ancestor?

If you’re into skinny British guys who look like emaciated models, then Theon’s your guy. Warning: he can be KIND of a dick. Just ask the Starks and the community of Winterfell.

5) Ned Stark

I miss you Ned.

Ned Stark is one of the most moral, honest, cool guys around. The only unfortunate thing is he is dead after being beheaded by that prick Joffrey.

6) Jaime Lannister

He’s not just a pretty boy anymore.

Jaime has some bad habits. Incestuous sex with his sister Cersei, killing people, general all around arrogance. But now that his hand has been chopped off, maybe we will see a softer side of this legendary swordsman dubbed the Kingslayer. I will nurse him back into health, as long as he promises not to murder me.

7) Khal Drogo

He has a great collection of belts you can borrow.

Unfortunately, Khal Drogo is another dead guy. Shucks. But he’s SUPER righteous, quite a bit aggressive, and totally manly, so if you like to be a submissive he’d be the perfect choice!

So there we have it–the hot men of Westeros! So is your choice for hottest? Reveal in the comments!

Me and Mama June from the Masterpiece Theatre’s production of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo have a lot in common.

One, we are both 33. Two, we both like food. Three, uh, okay. Maybe we don’t have a lot in common.

That’s how I feel about walnuts too, Mama June!

This is not about me being judgy judgy. HELL NO! I am the opposite of judgmental. I’m jealous! Mama June is rich and has kids AND grand kids.

I buy generic tomato sauce from the grocery store and I don’t even have a pet fish.

And now Mama June has a husband! Maybe. See, on el cinco de mayo, while I was taking the Lucky Star bus back from Boston, Mama June was exchanging vows were her stud muffin Sugar Bear.

White probably wouldn’t be an appropriate color for them.

Mama has not confirmed if it was just a commitment ceremony or if they were legally wed, but what she DID reveal is that barbecue and cake were served. Yum!

She also offered these words of wisdom, which give me hope:

Never settle for a man who doesn’t treat you right. If a guy doesn’t love everything about you, move on! There are plenty of other fish in the sea.

She obviously has not lived in New York City.

It’s My Lucky Day! As we prepare for the Lines Of Battle, I am preparing for a Giant Finish. Let’s not Overanalyze it–after all, it’s not the Normandy Invasion! Nope, today is the Kentucky Derby! I don’t even need to cross over the Verrazano to watch it!

Horses!

As I sip on my mint julep, I am reminded of another race that didn’t end quite so well. The year was 1989, the town was Springfield. Homer Simpson needed money for Christmas presents, so he did what any logical man would do: He went to the track. He placed all of his money on a greyhound named Santa’s Little Helper who ended up losing.

Santa’s owner was also upset, so he abandoned him outside the track. Homer and Bart took him home. Talk about a Golden Soul!

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x7mjgq_the-simpsons-santa-s-little-helper_shortfilms#.UYV1JrU3uSo

You have to hand it to Lindsay Lohan, she knows how to have a good time, even at rehab!

Klassy!

See, if you or I were sentenced to court-ordered rehab, we’d take wherever our insurance was accepted. I’d look on the bright side–hey, it’s a three month vacation of sorts and everyone on Intervention looks like they have a great time–but in the end I’d probably go somewhere cheap in New Hampshire. Lice free or die baby!

Bur Lindsay has so such restrictions. Lindsay will go to rehab where she wants, goddamn it! Her most recent stint (this is her sixth trip in case you were keeping track) brought her initially to Morningside Recovery in Newport Beach, CA but apparently she thought the facilities were “gross” so she wound up at Betty Ford where a source says “she knows everyone there.”

And here I thought it was Cheers where everyone knew your name! I guess it makes sense . . . .

Just say you’re playing Who Wants To Be a Millionaire in the Regis years. It’s the $32,000 question, so if you get it right, that’s the MINIMUM amount of money you can win.

Regis is intrigued by this hypothetical situation too.

A mathematical formula presents itself onscreen. Score! you think, because you were on the math team in high school.

Reege asks you if this is:

a) the Pythagorean Theorem

b) the Quadratic Formula

c) the Asymptotic Theory

d) Bitap Algorithm

All of a sudden, you panic. You can’t remember anything. Luckily, you have one lifeline left: phone-a-friend. Do you call:

a) Dr. Spencer Reid from Criminal Minds with an IQ of 187 and a photographic memory

Hot nerd?

b) Milton Mamet from The Walking Dead, case study worker for zombies’ behavioral patterns

Those round frames do nothing for you.

c) Leonard Hofstadter from The Big Bang Theory, Caltech experimental physicist

He will always be David to me. No wonder Becky is now a lesbian.

d) Brian P. from Portlandia, an actual nerd

Yup.

This, of course, is a trick question. Sort of. The answer is D. Why? Well, let me explain and then watch the video below.

See–Hollywood thinks that if you slap a pair of glasses on a person, it will automatically make them smart. You take the glasses off, it will make them hot. I call this the She’s All That Syndrome. See, people like me and Brian P. wear glasses because we CAN’T see. If I take them off, I trip. That ain’t hot.

In real life, Dr. Spencer Reid is played by a gentleman named by Matthew Gray Gubler, a onetime fashion model. Milton Mamet is really Dallas Roberts, who looks like this:

Looks like a North Face model not a friend of the evil Governor.

Leonard/Johnny Galecki actually looks most like a nerd out of the actors, but he also sometimes looks like this:

I think he’s channeling Morrissey,

Brian P., on the other hand is legit. So I’m calling him. And he tells me that above equation is in fact b) the Quadratic Formula. And yes that’s my final answer.

After all, Brian’s a real nerd, y’all.

I’ve been following Laura Jeanne “Reese” Witherspoon’s career since 1991, when she starred in the movie The Man in the Moon (not to be confused with Man ON the Moon, the Andy Kaufman biopic starring Jim Carrey). Set in 1957, Reese played a 14-year-old Southern girl (big stretch for the 14-year-old Southern girl) who developed a HUGE crush on her new neighbor Court, played by Jason London. But then Court got run over by a tractor and died. So sad.

If all of our first kisses could look like this!

Reese went on to star in a series of illustrious movies such as Jack the Bear, S.F.W., and my personal favorite Fear with Mark Wahlberg, who truly felt the vibration when he fingered Reese on a roller coaster.

Flash forward 15+ years, and now Reese is a mom! a wife! an Oscar winner! And, of course, a drunk American citizen resisting arrest.

Next time I get pulled over, I am going to assert my right to stand on American soil as an American citizen. That always works!

That Kelly LeBrock was perhaps the most conceited woman to ever walk the planet in the 1980s. “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful,” she haughtily said to us as she bounced her luscious mane around. Bish please. I don’t hate you because you’re beautiful. I hate you because you are vain, married to Steven Seagal for almost ten years, and my hair never looks as good when I use Pantene.

Maybe I’m just bitter because my father never let me watch Weird Science. We rented it from the video store back in the day when I must have been in second grade. As soon as the computer-generated boobs burst onto the screen, my father bolted to the VCR and ejected that VHS out of our Toshiba VCR. Maybe it’s just too soon for me to talk about Kelly LeBrock without being traumatized?

Two of my favorite things in the world are books and TV. I read an average of a book a week because I am a geek, and I watch an average of 82 hours of tv a week because I am an addict. Maybe I can get on the show Intervention?

One of my favorite writers is Raymond Carver, who published a collection of short stories in 1981 called What We Talk About When We Talk About Love. Since Carver died in 1988, I can’t ask him personally . . . but I imagine that we weren’t talking about The Bachelor when we talked about love.

But do you know who is? Three former contestants who SHOCKINGLY did not end up marrying their beloveds on the show. Jake Pevalka, Bob Guiney, and Andrew Firestone!

This is what I call the Douche Brigade!

The guys all laugh about their experience on the show. They hate roses now. They don’t do dates on glaciers. Bob doesn’t have a six back. BUMMER.

The funny thing is that this almost would not have been an issue if I had my way. See, back in 2003 I fell in love with Bob on the one season of The Bachelorette that I watched, where he was pursuing Tristan. I thought he was so cute that I shamefully submitted a VHS tape to audition to be on his season of The Bach. Luckily, I did not get cast.

But after a 2010 divorce from soap actress Rebecca Budig, he’s available! Who can hook a sister up?