Two of my favorite things in the world are books and TV. I read an average of a book a week because I am a geek, and I watch an average of 82 hours of tv a week because I am an addict. Maybe I can get on the show Intervention?

One of my favorite writers is Raymond Carver, who published a collection of short stories in 1981 called What We Talk About When We Talk About Love. Since Carver died in 1988, I can’t ask him personally . . . but I imagine that we weren’t talking about The Bachelor when we talked about love.

But do you know who is? Three former contestants who SHOCKINGLY did not end up marrying their beloveds on the show. Jake Pevalka, Bob Guiney, and Andrew Firestone!

This is what I call the Douche Brigade!

The guys all laugh about their experience on the show. They hate roses now. They don’t do dates on glaciers. Bob doesn’t have a six back. BUMMER.

The funny thing is that this almost would not have been an issue if I had my way. See, back in 2003 I fell in love with Bob on the one season of The Bachelorette that I watched, where he was pursuing Tristan. I thought he was so cute that I shamefully submitted a VHS tape to audition to be on his season of The Bach. Luckily, I did not get cast.

But after a 2010 divorce from soap actress Rebecca Budig, he’s available! Who can hook a sister up?