I want to thank your country SO MUCH for introducing so many great things to my life. Kissing, fries, crepes. NOT manicures though. Ugh. I will NEVER thank you for those.
These look more like weapons.
You also have SO MANY great people. But let’s be honest. There is one who stands above the rest. Except he’s not a person.
He’s Pepe F—ing Le Pew!
I’m a little shocked he’s not wearing a beret.
I just hope he finally finds his l’amour!
If not, he can always try the top of the Eiffel Tower like Rusty did.
And just because this is my favorite scene in European Vacation.
But right now the weather is way more aggravating than usual. It is SO f—ing hot. And I’m too cheap to keep my AC on because, um, the bills, so I am just going to whine about it instead.
I know someone who feels my pain. Nelly. It is indeed getting “Hot in Herre.” And everywhere really.
Maybe I can take a dip in the local pool. Should I wear a thong? What would Sisqo say?
At any rate, I encourage you to do your best and to send me money so I can turn my AC on full blast. Okay thanks.
Today the world learned that New Kid on the Block alum Donnie Wahlberg is banging–or will be soon, fingers crossed!–Singled Out graduate Jenny McCarthy.
Who would not want to be forever his girl?
I can already feel the vibrations on this awesome match. Oops, wrong brother.
He wants to know where she gets her hair straightened.
Boohoo, not that either. What could it be???
Ummmmm . . . how about that it is 7-11 and that means one thing . . . Slurpee time!
Oh f— yes. Though mine never look that neat.
I have been celebrating 7-11 since 2000 by going to, you’ve got it, a 7-Eleven. While these days they do offer a free small Slurpee from 11a-7p, you bet your ass that’s not a truly respectful way to celebrate my favorite holiday besides Guy Fawkes Day.
Mark your calendar for November 5 and get all your burning effigy supplies ready!
Nope, I go CRAZY on 7-11. I buy a LARGE Slurpee and usually a snack or two. In the past it’s been a Buffalo Chicken Roller, but over the last couple of years 7-Eleven has really expanded their menu so it’s a much tougher decision. I could get wings or pizza or a Jalapeno Cream Cheese Taquito! If I want to go fresh I can choose an Apple Walnut Chicken Salad or the brand new Cilantro Lime Flatbread or a Yoplait Yogurt Parfait! And that’s not even COUNTING the excellent deals they have on your run of the mill products like Red Bull, Kraft Easy Mac Cup (Triple Cheese!) or Kraft Jet Puffed Marshmallows! What’s a girl to do? Buy all of them?
Yum!
Yes. Of course.
So please go out and celebrate. I don’t care if you are working or on vacation or whatever excuse you may make. You think my brother Andrew and I let a trip to the Hamptons in 2011 get in our way of sipping a big ass Slurpee?
Hell no!
After all, there are more 7-Elevens worldwide than there are McDonald’s. My only regret is that 7-Eleven does not make commercials anymore. Look at this gem from 1980. I definitely think the ad exec who created the Geico Cavemen campaign was heavily influenced by this piece of art.
McKinley High graduate Kim Kelly just had a baby girl! And like any good celebrity, home girl dubbed her new daughter with a crazy name! Cricket!
“Um, that’s WEIRD.”
Kim Kelly, of course, is not a real person. She’s a character from the cult TV show Freaks and Geeks which lasted ONE season in 1999/2000. I never watched it when it originally aired because I was studying abroad in Ireland, and this was the pre-Hulu days when only fancy people had laptops and NO networks were airing shows online so you if you missed a program you were beep-out-of-luck unless you wanted to get a computer virus equivalent to crabs.
If only if they were all this cute.
HOWEVER, IFC has been rerunning episodes of Freaks so I watched all eighteen of them in the course of a month EXCEPT for the pilot and “Beers and Weirs” because I accidentally deleted it from my DVR. Damn, you!
To wit–the show is AMAZING and I am so obsessed with it and EVERYONE was on it: James Franco, Seth Rogen, Linda Cardelini, Jason Segel and Busy Philipps, the actress who portrayed Kim Kelly, the ultimate disaffected teen.
Anyway, Busy just had her second kid, as I said, and she named her Cricket, which is weird but also totally cute because who didn’t love Cricket magazine growing up, the “New Yorker for children“?
A budding literary geek’s Bible. Science nerds had 3-2-1 Contact.
Cricket follows her almost 5-year-old sister Birdie Leigh, so what do you expect?
All I know is, Daniel Desario would probably be cool with it.
Are you a wild and crazy kid? Do you like to zany things like go down slides and dress up in your grandmother’s clothes and eat all kinds of crazy concoctions?
Weeeee!
Who doesn’t, you reply. Yet, I have a question for you. Water gun to the head, what board game would you choose to play?
Candyland
Or
Chutes & Ladders?
It’s a debate for the ages. Does your appetite for thrills override your appetite for f—ing candy? I don’t know, man, I don’t know.
Ugh, I admit even I don’t like to make fun of people under 18. But come ON-stop trying to make me care about Ireland Baldwin, 17, because IT WON’T HAPPEN.
Ireland the country, on the other hand, yes.
Honest to God, home girl’s publicist has been working HARD for her money because over the past few months Ireland has made people.com for the following important reasons:
Yes, this thoughtless little pig (what, too soon?) is pretty, but she’s a f—ing 17-year-old model, the daughter of two rich, famous, and crazy people. TOTALLY relatable. Except not at all.
What, you expected a sexy pic? F— no, I don’t want to get in a twitter war with Alec.
The early 1990s were a GREAT time for paperboys. Between the TV show Get a Life and the Nintendo video game Paperboy, who did NOT want to ride a bike and toss papers onto your neighbors’ lawns? Exercise AND extra cash? Check please!
Just watch out for the Grim Reaper!
Earlier today I heard the song “Stand” by R.E.M. on the radio, and I was taken back to these halcyon days of my youth watching TV and playing Marble Madness and Excitebike on the NES. If you are any kind of friend of mine, you’d know that “Stand” was the theme song for Get a Life, which aired on Fox from 1990 to 1992. Get a Life starred Chris Elliott as a 30-year-old paperboy who lived in an apartment above his parents’ garage. Free food and no rent! That to me is living the dream.
So is riding the Go Gator, but I don’t have kids so it might be a LITTLE creepy.
Get a Life was very funny, silly, and AWESOME. And of course it was cancelled after 35 episodes. Boooo. I am very impressed by my taste back then. I also watched Twin Peaks. What a hip suburban middle schooler I was.
But this is not about me. This about Chris Elliott being awesome. And also very handsome.
And because I’m feeling nostalgic, let’s throw in the theme. Be wary of big breasted neighbors!
The DVR Files 