Author Archives: thedvrfiles

Sorry lovers of big fake boobs and orange tans! JWoww is off the market! Those Jersey Shore girls sure are growing up fast. First Snooki gave birth while I bought vegetables, and now Jenni “JWoww” Farley’s long term Oompa Loompa boyfriend Roger Mathews … Continue reading →

Another day, another post about my brother Andrew Kelley Simons, soon to be world famous musician, according to John Oates. At any rate, Andrew is talented and a decent looking dude. No, I am not in love my brother. Ewww. … Continue reading →

Salma Hayek used to be cool. She was beautiful and smart and a feminist who produced and starred in the movie Frida. She was on my A List of stars. And then she had to get married and get LAME. Salma … Continue reading →

All right, the world is filled with a lot of contradictions. The Happy Ending Sundae at Friendly’s is never happy because that means I have to leave Friendly’s. The Happy Meal at McDonald’s is not happy because I am too … Continue reading →

Dios mio! There are a lot of unfortunate things that happen in the world, like the careers of Kim Kardashian, LeAnn Rimes, and Kelly Osbourne. But I think one of the WORST things that could happen to you EVER is … Continue reading →

As many of you know, I am a HUGE fan of PSAs from the 1980s. They were so dire and scary and serious that we would run to the woods and eat hallucinogenic  tree bark before we’d EVER try any … Continue reading →

All right my Jewish friends, I know it starts tonight but Happy Yom Kippur! Do you even say that? I mean, you have to atone and fast and repent. No marital relations even! How much fun can THAT be? Do … Continue reading →

Do you ever imagine a world where being fierce means you’re a mean warrior and if you say smize your teachers send you to speech therapy class for not knowing how to pronounce a goddamn word? No? Well that just … Continue reading →

Babysitting in the early 1990s was AWESOME. Sure, I was a HUGE fan of The Baby-sitters Club and pretended to care all about the kids while I was at their house. But let’s be honest: it was all about the food … Continue reading →

Hey kidz- Wow, the Emmys are over. Don’t know if you heard but I made like a million predictions last night and about half of them were right. But I don’t have time to review them at the moment because … Continue reading →