Remember being a kid and you LOVED getting a sore throat because that meant you could suck on some Luden’s Wild Cherry Cough Drops?
Medicated, even though they were in the candy aisle!
And then in fifth grade you graduated to Sucrets and then in seventh grade you were all about Hall’s.
But for those of us who were Dutch-philes, we only would take Ricolas. Riiiiiicoooollllllaaaaaa! Which is what I am taking right now. Woohoo!
In case you forgot the mission of this brilliant blog, it is called The DVR Files, which means I watch most of my shows on my DVR, which means I watch them late. For example, I only watched Lifetime’s Prosecuting Casey Anthony last night, and it aired on January 19. I’m wild like that!
Unfortunately, Rob Lowe did not sport a sweet stache as he did in his other Lifetime gig Drew Peterson: Untouchable.
Last night I also got around to watching Modern Family. Gloria brought home her new baby boy Fulgencio (or Joe?) and we got to meet her mother and sister. And I crinkled my eyebrow because gosh Mama looked familiar . . . because it was Elizabeth Pena (lo siento, don’t know how to do the tildes on my keyboard), who starred on the long-running (13 episodes!) 1980s sitcom I Married Dora.
Yes that is Juliette Lewis. I wonder if she ever works anymore.
The best part of casting Dora/Elizabeth as Gloria’s mom is that she is 51 in real life, and Sofia Vergara is 40. Why cast a woman in her 60s? People’s eyes would explode!
I know that many of my hundreds of thousands of male readers are big fans of beautiful women. I don’t get it, but whatevs.
A former beauty. How the mighty have fallen.
At any rate, one starlet who is widely regarded as a low budget Angelina Jolie lookalike has just announced that her new career is motherhood since she gave birth to son Noah Shannon in September. That’s right, I’m talking about Megan Fox!
This looks like a cover for a 1991 issue of Teen Magazine.
Megan Fox has starred in monumental movies such as Transformers, Transfomers: Revenge of the Fallen, and of course Robot Chicken DC Comics Special, so we are REALLY going to miss her. At least she gets to go home every day to handsome hubby David Silver, oops I mean Brian Austin Green.
My half birthday is coming up in less than two weeks, and I know what I want: A Rub a Dub Doggie bath toy.
Besides My Little Pony, this was my only pet growing up.
Is this a creepy case of arrested development or a need for companionship in the shower? Eh, neither. I just think this pup is so super cute. And since Quvenzhane Wallis already brought Poochie back, it’s time for another canine from the ’80s to make a resurgence.
As much as I LOVE her, I hope she doesn’t win the Academy Award because let’s be honest no one can pronounce her name.
So keep your fingers crossed and let’s hope for the best.
Confesh: I haven’t watched Real Howives of New York City in two seasons. As a resident of the Big Apple, I see enough self-indulgent, super skinny, narcissistic white women in my own time, so there’s no real need for me tune in.
Please, a fat girl margarita tastes a LOT better, am I right or am I right?
HOWEVER, that was not always the case. A few years ago there was this awesome lady who galloped in a land of lollipops and rainbows and daisies. She ran through the streets of midtown STOPPING traffic. And now this woman, Kelly Bensimon, is going to business school. Online. Which is actually more of an accomplishment than you think because that means she knows how to use a computer.
Cars? What cars? I’m up here, you’re down here, cars!
Kelly is apparently taking classes at Northeastern in Boston, which is wicked cool as I lived in Beantown for five years and grew up in the suburbs. You bet your ass that if I were still living in the city I would be stalking the computer modems on their campus to catch a glimpse of her online profile.
I just hope that at her graduation she makes as many friends as Tyra did when she “graduated” from Harvard. Hehe, hehe.
Soooooo . . . I live in New York City because I enjoy being broke and single. It’s so much fun! And the best part is that right now it is SO cold that all I can do is sit inside and drink cheap wine and watch tv. Lucky me!
So many choices, and only $3 a piece!
Now, one of the things that makes me happy this time of year is imagining things that can’t possibly come true, ie a reconciliation between Brandi Glanville and LeAnn Rimes, Kim Zolciak getting her tubes tied, etc. Along those lines, I would love to visit a really cool alternate universe, a la Fraggle Rock. What better place than the wacky world featured in the video for Tom Petty’s hit song “Don’t Come Around Here No More”? I’d be happy just to be a toadstool at this point. Liz in Wonderland indeed!
Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Sofia Vergara. Her modest and demure take on life in the biz is so refreshing in this age of over exposure.
Oh wait . . . .
Sofia gets it. She’s a hot babe who also happens to be quite funny. Good for her. WORK it all the way to the bank.
She explains how she got her bombshell start in, you got it, People mag:
I grew up in Barranquilla, Colombia, in a very traditional Catholic home . . . My father told me that if I ever did anything artistic, I was going to look like a hooker. I told him, “With these huge boobs that I inherited from your mother, I already look like a hooker!”
What huge boobs? I don’t see any huge boobs.
While I’m not going to go all Jezebel.com on you, let’s be honest–there are some flat-chested hookers out there. Pretty Woman, anyone?
They are looking for Julia Roberts’ cleavage.
At any rate, Sofia, um . . . I guess continue your good work? And hopefully you will never have to hook!
Hello kidz. There are many really important debates in life. Which Dick was the better Darrin on Bewitched? Does Nicole Kidman use Botox or baby’s blood for her smooth, wrinkle-free forehead? Do you get a better workout from a Skip-It or Pogo Ball?
Is that planet Saturn or a really cool toy? You decide.
The year 2013 brings us perhaps the biggest dilemma of all time, via the most important show of all time, ie The Real Housewives of Atlanta: Would you prefer a Donkey Booty or a Stallion Booty?
I wonder if this stallion is hung like a–oh BEHAVE!
Okay sorry I am terrible at posting pictures. You can’t be good at everything! That would be unfair to the rest of the world!
Anyway–everyone knows that this is the real battle between Southern Belle Phaedra (Brains, Booty, and all Business) and Miss USA not Miss Congeniality Kenya. Attorney to the stars (and Bobby Brown) Phaedra and her ex-convict husband Apollo (raised by white folk, he ate food from cans!) set out to make a workout video to get you that ever so desirable donkey booty. But then they refused to give any of the back end (hehe, hehe) to Kenya and her production company, so now Miss Kenya is making her OWN video. This time you will get a stallion ass.
Honestly–is anyone a winner here? I mean as far as animals go I have never said to myself I would LOOOOVE to look like a donkey. You know, the animal who is kind of lazy and gets stuck carrying everything. But then again, a stallion is a male horse sooooooo . . . who the f— knows.
That said, this story line is so amazing because it has brought us such gems, including:
I knew Miss Kenya was thirsty, but I ain’t know that heifer was starving!
Phaedra suffers from a very rare disease. Fullofshititis.
You can’t make this sh– up! But hey, at least I know what NOT to get Kenya for Christmas!
Proper spelling is opshional.
President Obama was inaugurated into his second term as President of the USA on Monday and Beyonce sang the national anthem . . . or did she?
I don’t hear noise coming out from her mouth. Do you?
Ugh, do I care? Confesh: Sort of. There is just something so holier than thou, so “I only exist for you to watch my every move but yet I won’t even admit that Jay-Z is my husband” that is soooooo annoying about Be. And I’m sorry, I still don’t think she gave birth to Blue Ivy. And I’m not even a conspiracy theorist!
I imagine this scandal will not ruin the career of Queen Be the way that it did Milli Vanilli and that amazing talent Ashlee (two Es!) Simpson. Hee haw!
Confesh: I drank WAY too much during the holidays. And after the holidays. And because I’m running a marathon in less than four weeks, I really need to get in shape, girl!
I’ll wear these outfits with my Faz makeup that I keep in my Caboodle.
I bet I can get really strong as long as I wear a sweet headband and dynamite leg warmers. Any exercises you recommend? Oh? Weighted arm bands and flowy ribbons? DONE!
The DVR Files 