Yum! You Are Hungry. Which TV Restaurant Do You Choose?

Sometimes you just want a snack. Where do you go, if your choices are restaurants on television? Let’s discuss.

1) Los Pollos Hermanos, Breaking Bad

Your one stop for chicken and meth!

Your one stop for chicken and meth!

Clearly one of New Mexico’s finest fast food establishments, Los Pollos Hermanos (Spanish-speaking friends–is this even grammatically correct? Shouldn’t it be Los Hermanos de Pollo? Or Los Hermanos del Pollo? It’s been a while since I took espanol.) serves you up delicious chicken as well as a possible hook-up for crystal meth, as long as you are punctual for appointments. The staff is professional and courteous, but owner Gus is a BIT ruthless, so beware if you want to live.

2) Al-Abbas, Curb Your Enthusiasm

Beware

Anti-semetic or awesome . . . you decide!

This Palestinian chicken is to DIE FOR. Even the Jews think so–Larry and Jeff both agree that if the chicken was sent to Israel, “they’d take down all the settlements immediately.” Sure, you might encounter some very pro-Palestine signs at Al-Abbas, but if you’re lucky enough you might meet the lady with whom you will have the best sex of your life, even if it is anti-Semitic, as Larry learned. Some choice words from his partner Shara:

F— me you f—ing Jew! You Zionist pig. You occupying f—. Occupy this. I’m going to going to f— the Jew out of you. You want to f— me like Israel f—s my country? F— me you Jew bastard! F— me like Israel f—s my people! Show me the promised land. You circumcised f—!

Sex and chicken? Yes please!

3) The Peach Pit, Beverly Hills, 90210

Hello

Babes and burgers. My two favorite things.

Let’s be honest. It is surprising that an old school burger joint does so well in Bev Hills. Don’t they just eat kale and wheat grass smoothies there? Yet, this place flourishes, partly because of the charisma of owner Nat and his babelicious waiter Brandon Walsh. And the fries look delish!

So where would I go? Well, depending on if I had time to sit down, I’d go with the Peach Pit. For takeout I’d probably do Los Pollos Hermanos because New Mexico is so close to old Mexico so the food looks super authentic! And Al-Abbas opens up shop in NYC I’d check it out. I’m an equal opportunity eater!

Though, I’d feel a bit guilty about supporting a major drug dealer. I’ll just pretend I never heard about Gus.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Jodie Sweetin is the Modern Day Elizabeth Taylor, Except Without the Talent or Violet Eyes

How rude!

Stephanie Tanner is ending her THIRD marriage. Home girl is 31.

Who knew this sweet little thing would become such a Casanova?

Who knew this sweet little thing would become such a Casanova?

Jodie Sweetin–the actress who portrayed Stephanie–is creating a full house of ex-husbands and children. After the show wrapped in 1995, she battled a meth addiction before settling down with first husband Shaun Holguin–a Los Angeles police officer, of course–in 2002. She divorced him in 2006 and went on to marry Cory Herpin, a film transportation coordinator, in 2007. She gave birth to their daughter Zoie in April 2008, and by November of that year they were legally separated before finally dissolving the marriage in April 2010.

Got all that so far? Good. Days after her second divorce was finalized, Jodie announced she was pregnant with her second child with her boyfriend of a year, Morty Coyle (that’s a Jewish Irishman if I ever heard of one). Baby Beatrix was born in August of 2010, the couple was married in in March 2012, and just yesterday Sweetin announced she was separating from him. Busy girl!

To be fair–Elizabeth Taylor was on her FOURTH husband by age 27 and her fifth spouse by 32, so Jodie only has a year to make two new men Mr. Sweetin. I say go work your magic girlfriend!

She does have nice assets.

She does have nice assets.

I am sure they will all want to take their pants-off in a dance-off. Or at least have BobSaget as a surrogate father-in-law

Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments

God is Real

For all of you doubters out there in the galaxy, I can tell you with 100% certainty that God exists. How can I be sure, you ask. Well, Homeboy (God) answered my prayers. Paul Giamatti is going to be on Downton Abbey next season.

Yup, he looks aristocratic.

Yup, he looks aristocratic.

I jumped on the Downton bandwagon LATE, about 2 months ago. And it lived up to it’s hype, which is rare. I am currently 81 on the waiting list at the library for the third season DVDs, so please no spoilers. But still . . . I am thrilled that America’s favorite schlub–Giamatti–will be crossing the pond. He will be playing Cora’s brother. The Brits won’t know what hit them.

This is so much better than the Diddy rumors. Ugh, can you imagine how terrible that would be?

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Summer is Here!

It’s the first day of summer. Yahoooo!

Let's go eat a Popsicle!

Let’s go eat a Popsicle!

HOWEVER, be wary of those runaway teenagers. There are over a million of them on the streets of America!

What, too soon? The song was released 20 years ago, dorks.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

My Favorite Tony Soprano Moments

By now everything that’s needed to be said has been said about the super awful passing of actor James Gandolfini at the age of 51. Lots of people die every day, heck lots of actors die every day, but for some reason the death of the man who made Tony Soprano an icon is really, really upsetting me.

James Gandolfini. photo: Barry Wetcher

No snark today, just a few clips of some of my favorite moments from The Sopranos, the TV show I consider the best ever made in my lifetime. Be warned–some of this is violent and there are lots of swears. NSFW.

Tony Soprano kills Ralph Cifaretto. Can’t say I was sad to see him go.

Tony could be a good guy, but more often than that he knew how to be a mean bastard, especially to his sister Janet. The scene above bled into the closing credits with the amazing song “I’m Not Like Anybody Else” by The Kinks. Clip of that below.

 

And now we need to lighten the mood. Some of the best moments were when Tony was being a husband to Carmela and father to Meadow and AJ. Comedy gold when AJ asserts his new life philosophy.

 

God I am going to miss him. James Gandolfini was a great actor and a true class act; in addition to his day job he was very active in veterans affairs.

A huge loss.

Posted in RIP | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Remind Me Never To Go to Egypt With Bert

I’m not claustrophobic generally speaking, but one of my biggest fears is being stuck in the bottom of the great Egyptian pyramids.

Except the ones at the Met. I'm cool with these tombs.

Except the ones at the Met. I’m cool with these tombs.

And you know WHY I am afraid? Because I’m terrified of dead mummies? Because I hate the heat? HELL NO. I shiver at the thought of the pyramids because of Bert and Ernie!

 

Well, after reviewing this clip I guess I AM terrified of mummies, but just talking dancing ones. Thanks a lot Sesame Street!

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged | Leave a comment

I Want Love, And So Does Robert Downey, Jr.

Me and Robert Downey, Jr. have SO much in common. We are both recovering addicts (him, drugs; me, the tv show Intervention) and we’re both really good-looking.

oh hello

Totally the male version of me.

We also both want love. Well, at least Robert did in 2001. Allow me to explain.

See, back in 2001 Mr. Downey, Jr. was in the throes of his addiction. He went to rehab and his first gig upon completion was for the music video “I Want Love” by Elton John. Directed by Sam Taylor-Wood (whose current piece is 23 years her junior and pretty foxy. But I digress!), the video features Downey walking through an empty mansion while lip-syncing the lyrics to the song. I was so obsessed with this song and video back in the day, and I’ll still play it when I’m feeling lonely and unloved, which is ALL THE TIME! Just kidding! Everyone loves me.

 

At any rate–Downey found love in his second wife Susan Levin whom he married in 2005, while I still have to cruise bars searching for that special someone. So maybe we don’t have that much in common.

And if anyone wants to that hot piece that Sam is banging, here is another video she directed for REM starring her now husband Aaron Johnson.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Fill in the Blank: Salma Hayek’s Husband Loves __________

If you said . . .

Her bubbly personality, you are incorrect.

Though she does, uh, sparkle!

Though she does, uh, sparkle!

If you answered her excellent belly-dancing amongst vampires, you’d be wrong again.

Just look her in the eyes already!

She’s a real snake charmer.

If you guessed her amazing laugh, you are misinformed.

I hope she wore this before Labor Day.

I hope she wore this before Labor Day.

Nope, what Salma Hayek’s billionaire husband François-Henri Pinault loves most about her is when she wears no bra leather.

Yeah, I get it.

Yeah, I get it.

And hear I just thought he loved her cleavage situation. What a nice surprise that he is not shallow but instead a bondage-loving fashionista!

Posted in And Not a Single F--- Was Given | Tagged | Leave a comment

Jurassic Park is 20 Today.

Do you hear me humming? Da da daaa da da, da da daaa da da, da da da, da da da, dada daaa da da? What is that tune, you ask? HEATHENS, all of you.

IT IS THE JURASSIC PARK THEME SONG. Duh.

You can run away, but I'll always know.

You’ve really hurt the dinosaur’s feeling!

And WHY would I be singing this sweet song? Uh, only because today marks the 20th anniversary of the release of Jurassic Park in the theaters. Double duh, heathens.

I will never forget where I was on Friday, June 11, 1993. After a taxing day as an eighth grader at North Andover Middle School, my friend Laurie’s mother drove Laurie and me to Showcase Cinemas in Lawrence to watch this monumental event BY OURSELVES. Opening night baby! The theater was packed and the energy was electric. There was no tweeting, no texting, just a bunch of people nibbling on their popcorn and sipping their sodas. Glorious.

The movie was PG-13. No big deal, I thought. But I will admit it was SO SCARY. And after the film, I was all, they better NOT decide to clone dinosaurs!

I ended up seeing the movie two more times in the theater, including once as part of a Sleepless in Seattle double feature. Oh yes, it was the early ’90s, when the only thing that reigned more than dinosaurs was Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks on screen.

So tell me about when YOU saw Jurassic Park. Did it change your life? Share in the comments!

And let’s take a trip down memory lane.

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

America’s Second Favorite Lesbian is Back on the Market!

Hello my Sapphic disciples!

I have some good news–sort of. Everyone’s favorite lesbian–besides Ellen–is available! That’s right–Jane Lynch is now free to date you!

Come on. You didn't REALLY think it was going to be Rosie?

Come on. You didn’t REALLY think it was going to be Rosie?

I shouldn’t sound so full of glee–after all Lynch is only single because she is getting a divorce after three years of marriage, which kinds of stinks. But she’s rich, tall, blonde, and TOTALLY knows how to talk dirty. So start lining up now!

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , | Leave a comment