Yes, I’m talking about how many kicks does it take to get to the center of a goddamn Tootsie Roll pop.

How many f’ing cavities did you get in the 1970s and ’80s trying to figure this out? I even started using people for their access to Tootsie Pops: we had this neighbor who had a dog named Brock, and all us kids in the nabe would go over and pretend to want to hang out with Brock. But we really just wanted the Tootsie Pops that they kept in the foyer!

As a kid, I liked the magenta ones best because it was such a pretty colored wrapper. Now I’m solidly Team Chocolate. But I bite that sh–. No licks for me!