Hey! Are you a “LEG ONLY, MALE AMPUTEE?” Yes? Well, then you’re in luck! Game of Thrones needs YOU!
I still miss Ned Stark.
See, the popular HBO show is getting set to film their third season, and there’s this massacre called the Red Wedding where lots and lots of people die and/or lose their limbs. So why not save a buck on special effects and hire REAL LIVE AMPUTEES???
Filming starts in March in Belfast, so get your passports ready you legless men!
Well, I can sleep better now.
Nick Lachey, the man who has never met a reality show he has not loved (Clash of the Choirs, Stars Earn Stripes, The Sing-Off, and there are MORE!), announced to People mag that his newborn son with wife Vanessa Minnillo is NOT named after everyone’s favorite crime-ridden city in New Jersey, Camden.
Remember when she was a virgin? Hahahahahaha!
Well, phew! I was worried! If it was a girl, I hope he would have named it after everyone’s second-favorite city in Dirty Jerz, Elizabeth! Which ALSO happens to be my name!
Let’s enter this article into the and “Not a Single F— was Given” Hall of Fame. Though I do admit I have a kind of soft spot for Nick and Vanessa. They seem like nice, normal people, except for all the press releases they send to People about sh– no one cares about.
Sadness is in the water this week. First Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman separate, and now Webster’s dad George Papadapolis has died!
I can’t even snark on this picture because it is too cute and I am too sad. : (
As a child of the ’80s, I grew up adoring Webster and always dreamed that if I were an abandoned teeny black boy I would want to be adopted by George and Katherine Papadapolis, played by real life married couple Alex Karras and Susan Clark. Sure, Phillip Drummond was richer, but how cool would it be for your dad to be a former professional football player, as Alex/George were? And Ben Vereen is your uncle??? Sign me the F— up!
Right now the only good thing about life is the cereal. I think Mike would agree.
Hey all. How are you? Have any plans tonight? I do! Not to brag or anything, but I have a date. And who is the lucky guy, you ask? Oh, just a bunch of hot firemen from the Windy City.
Maybe their clothes got singed and that’s why they took off their shirts.
Yes, that’s right, I have at date 10pm with my TV! I’m watching the HOOOOOOOTTTT new show Chicago Fire.
Let’s be honest. The show is probably terrible. But who the f— cares. One, it is about firemen who I love more than anything in the world (including Marshmallow Peeps, and I’m a member of the Fan Club). Two, it costars super sexy Eamonn Walker who was the very righteous Kareem Said on everyone’s favorite prison drama Oz.
Yum!
And third, I was just in Chicago running the marathon and I can confirm that their firemen are indeed sexy. They even had their own booth at the Marathon Expo and you bet your ass that I walked by it 50 times.
All right, need to start getting ready for my date!
I bet ladies will be lining up at the sidelines after Kim Kardashian’s former piece–and Super Bowl winner–Reggie Bush announced that he’s “pretty excited” to be a dad after knocking up his current piece–a low budget Kim Kardashian lookalike (but then again isn’t Klassy Kim kind of low budget herself? A conundrum for sure!) named Lilit Avagyan.
I can’t believe they didn’t make it! They seemed so committed and not self absorbed at all.
If that’s not a ringing endorsement of fatherhood I don’t know what is!
To be put it in perspective, I’m “pretty excited” when McDonald’s brings back Monopoly, when new episodes of Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations begin, and when my parents visit and they pay for my dinner. If I were, say, pregnant, I’d either be wicked scared or wicked excited.
Mazel tov, I guess?
Don’t get me wrong. I’m sure Olivia Wilde is a lovely person. But one of my pet peeves is when beautiful actresses try to be funny by talking about their cooch. Leave the humor to the real funny ladies honey!
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful!
See, Olivia Wilde is dating Jason Sudeikis, and she talked about their relationship last night at the “These Girl”s monologue reading in New York, hosted by Glamour magazine (of course). She’s all, I’d rather bang Jason than David Beckham! And I think that’s sweet, you should love the one you’re with. I’m not even being jealous and petty. Yet.
Then she talks about her ex-hubby, an Italian prince, and how after they split “I felt like my vagina died. It just turned off. Lights out.” But then it wanted more attention so she returned to the scene. Okay.
And then she gave me my WTF moment, or maybe it was a Shut the F— Up moment. Hard to tell. On being alone, she observes:
I don’t want to go back to single life. My liver won’t stand for it. Also, I’m really bad at sexting.
Honey. I’m single. I don’t sext because, uh, who am I going to sext? I leave that up to the couples.
She’s kind of right about the liver part though.
Oh my F—ing God. Jennifer Aniston is engaged to that guy from Six Feet Under and now she has a huge ring.
Bigger than a Ring Pop, but probably not as tasty!
And not a single f— was given by me.
Jennifer Aniston is filthy rich, beautiful, and probably still smokes pot. I would love to have her as a friend because you know that she’d get the good sh–. She has done a lot of philanthropic work for St. Jude’s, Doctors Without Borders, and the gays. Me likey. And while, yes, the ring is a tad gauche, I’m not wearing it! So it’s not my problem!
Jennifer Aniston is the perfect personification of “first world problem” as in, wah wah wah people are complaining that my ring is too big, Brad Pitt left me but now I get to bang an assortment of other hot guys. But she’s still cool and does her own thing. If she wants a big ass ring, then let her have it.
All right, time for me to eat my lunch. End/rant.
Okay, I know I’ve been absent a few days. You’re probably wondering why. Or possibly not, because you have your own lives and other blogs to read. Whatevs. Well, the truth is I have been in MOURNING.
Because Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman are no longer.
Proving that Jews and Italians CAN get along. Or not!
I honestly don’t know what to think. Danny and Rhea have been married 30 years, they have three kids together, they ran a production company in tandem, blah blah blah. I can’t imagine either of them having an affair, but then again that Sam Malone is a sneaky bastard and I always had a suspicion that he liked Carla Tortelli.
Never trust a bartender who flirts!
I am so upset that I need to have a drink at a bar where everyone knows my name. See ya laterz.
And PLEASE people, don’t think I’m referring to TALENT.
See, former fly girl Lopez is sporting a giant ring on her left finger, and it’s sprouting rumors that are growing “in living color.” Yes, I know that last part made zero sense, but I’m wild and crazy and out of sight like that.
If you’re going to bang someone young, at least go for someone hot.
But wait, Liz Taylor didn’t either.
As you can tell by the pictures above, I am of course referring to husbands. See, Jennifer is dating dancer Casper “the goofy looking ghost” Smart, and now she’s wearing this ring that he absolutely could never afford, so everyone’s talking. If she marries him, this will be Husband # 4 for the 42-year-old Lopez, following in the heels of Ojani Noa, Cris Judd, and Skeletor Marc Anthony. Elizabeth Taylor, as we know, had seven husbands in her lifetime, but eight actual weddings because she married and divorced Richard Burton twice.
J Lo has about 40 years to catch up with La Liz, so I can’t wait to see what happens! Till then, let’s just remind ourselves what could have been with the original name-joining couple, Bennifer! Don’t be fooled by the rock she got! Ben, who has gotten super bang-worthy with age, you dodged a bullet!
Yo!
After I buy a loaf of bread, a container of milk, and a stock of butter, do you want to come over to my house? My mom will bake us cookies and then we can color in our new coloring books with orange crayons! It will be SO much fun!
I want to bathe is a sea of colors!
One thing I’m curious about, though, is how do they make such cool crayons. Gee, I’ll probably never find out unless they make a video about it on Sesame Street!
Oh my! My prayers are answered!
Ah, sweet memories! Who did NOT want to work in a factory after they saw this back in the day? Manufacturing plants should use this in all recruiting videos. It will work!
The DVR Files 