The DVR Files

Call me Job because God is REALLY testing me by shutting down my cable and Internet for a whole week. First world problems? You betcha! But still . . . it has been TORTURE missing all my shows this week! I have to avoid Facebook at work so that I won’t read spoilers online. This is a very tough life I lead.

Luckily, I have about five DVDs at home to keep me company on cold nights, including the first season of my all time favorite show The Golden Girls!

If I threw a party and invited everyone I know, I would see that the best gift would be Season 2 DVDs.

My routine is really exciting. I go home, cook dinner, then sit down in front of my tv while I eat. I pop in my Golden Girls DVD and watch whatever episode is next. Tonight it will be The Competition, where the gals battle over bowling. Can’t wait!

If all of you are too jealous to read anymore, don’t fret. Watch this amazing montage of everyone’s favorite hussy, Blanche Devereaux, looking as stunningly beautiful and petite as ever!

Another day, another dollar less going towards my cable bill as my Internet, phone, and DVR are still down. The horror, the horror!

But honestly–I would give it up ALL up for a whole other week if we could bring 1991’s People Magazine Sexiest Man Alive back from the dead for just one day, and not so he could make pottery with Demi Moore.

I would do just about anything for just one lock from that luscious mane.

Oh yes, I am talking about Johnny Castle himself, Mr. Patrick Swayze.

While primarily a film star (hello Road House, I’m talking to you) Swayze also made appearances on the small screen, including his last project The Beast as well as everybody’s favorite sitcom Whoopi (how does that show NOT have an ! at the end???). But perhaps my all time favorite performance of his on the boob tube was when he hosted Saturday Night Love and Franz developed just a LITTLE crush on him.

Click here to enjoy as SNL’s vids are super difficult to post!

I know you are all sitting brokenhearted at home just waiting for the next update from The DVR Files. “Liz,” you are moaning, “Come back to us!”

I am SO sorry for your broken heart. And I’m even sorrier for mine: my cable and Internet have been knocked out since Thursday! That means no Walking Dead, no Amazing Race, no American Horror Story! Poor me.

And tonight I am going to have to go to a BAR to watch the results of the election. A bar! After all I drank last week, I don’t know if I should ever set foot in one again!

Oh well, life goes on. And I of course mean all of this in jest as I know people suffered far worse setbacks than I.

Your patriotic pal–

Liz!

Hey kidz–

As many of you know it’s been really crazy in New York City this week. I was fortunate enough to be largely unaffected by Hurricane Sandy. My power stayed on, I caught up on all my shows, I was safe and comfortable in my own home. Many other people did not have the same experience, and my thoughts and prayers are with them as they recover from the devastating aftermath of the storm.

Last night, my cable and Internet went out. I whined for about five minutes and then apologized to the world for being so selfish. This is the only (very very minor) inconvenience I have encountered so far. I am currently working from my gym where their wireless is intact.

I’m not sure when my cable and Internet will be back up–hopefully soon–but until then I probably won’t be updating The DVR Files. I know you will survive!

Please keep the city I call home in your thoughts and prayers.

Love-

Liz

One of the greatest tragedies of the world, besides suspending the production of OK Soda, is that I am not a rock star.

Sure, it tasted nasty, but you could call 1-800-I-FEEL-OK!

The fact that I have zero musical talent is neither here nor there. And trust me, I TRIED. I took trumpet and piano lessons from fourth to tenth grade and I was basically asked not to continue. Whoops!

Naturally, then, I have utmost respect for those women who rock. And one of the baddest bitches in history is Annie Lennox. But goddamn did she scare back in 1983 when she and fellow Eurythmic David Stewart released the video for their smash hit “Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This.)”

I guess I didn’t understand the androgynous look yet!

We didn’t have cable at the time, but whenever we visited my grandparents in Rhode Island I would sneak down to the basement to watch MTV. Between fun videos like “Sledgehammer” and “Hey Mickey,” “Sweet Dreams” would invade the tv and give me nightmares! Eek!

Now, years later, I worship Annie Lennox and am not even scared to watch that video anymore. To prove it, I’ve posted it down below. Enjoy!

Hey all! It’s nighttime on Halloween! I hope you are having a SPOOKtacular time! I know I am . . . after all, I’m spending it with the Midnight Society.

Yes, I AM afraid of the dark!

For all you American and Canadian kids who never babysat in the mid 1990s, you might not have experienced the most amazing TV show of all time. No I am not talking about Going Places, though that was fabulous too. I’m talking about Are You Afraid of the Dark?, which was broadcast in the USA on Nickelodeon on Saturday nights as part of the SNICK lineup from 1992-1996, and featured a bunch of ghost story-telling geeks known as the aforementioned Midnight Society.

My all time favorite episode of Dark was “Tale of the Dream Girl,” which my brother Andrew Kelley Simons (very famous musician) and I were obsessed with very non-ironically back in 1994. It was about this guy Johnny, who had this sister Erica, and he was always all, Did I ever tell you you’re my favorite sister? And Erica would be all, I’m your only sister! And we thought the actor who played Johnny was so amazing that we stalked him in the pre-Internet days and found out his name was Fab Filippo and I’ve followed his career every since. But I digress.

Fab did have FABulous hair, am I right? 

Anyway, to make a long story short, turns out Johnny was DEAD. Oops, spoiler alert. And Andrew and I were so devastated and sad and pledged that we would never die. And you know who felt similar to me and Andrew? M. Night Shyamalan. Yes, the man who directed The Sixth Sense. Oh, and what do you know? “Tale of the Dream Girl” served as the inspiration of Sense. I guess M. Night was a babysitter too!

For those of you want to witness the birth of “I see dead people,” here you go! You’re welcome.

So today is Halloween. Yippie skippie! Because I am so passionate about this pagan holiday, I bought four bags of candy to give out to trick or treaters, and only the good sh–, because I don’t want anyone egging my house: Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Butterfingers, Nestle Crunches, and Hershey Cookies ‘n’ Creme bars.

None of this cheap sh– from my house!

I am pretty democratic when it comes to giving out candy. As long as you try just a little bit, I’ll slip you a piece. Heck, I even offered non-costumed adults a Hershey’s as they passed, just because I’m that kind of person (awesome, in case you were wondering).

HOWEVER, I will admit to being prejudiced against teenagers. If you want candy, fine. I trick or treated till I was 17 so who am I to judge. But I always dressed up. I made an effort. So if you are going to come to my house and you are between the ages of 13-18, you best be wearing a costume!

And if I refuse to bestow you with a piece of candy, DO NOT call me a bald asshole! One, because I’m not. Two, because it is a hate crime. Larry David would agree.

Well color me SHOCKED.

Real Ho’Wife of Atlanta and actual successful actress–she’s currently starring on The New Normal–NeNe Leakes was spotted shopping at Target in West Hollywood.

She doesn’t keep up with the Joneses, she IS the Joneses, as long as they shop at Walmart or Target or KMart.

This is too much. And are we surprised? She got mad at her estranged husband for lending Dwight $500! He had done her wrong!

The best part of this is that you know who ELSE was at Target at the same time??? Happy couple Doug Hutchison and his possible child bride Courtney Stodden!

Probably shopping for high end lingerie!

It’s so nice to see that D-List celebs love a bargain, even if they’re very rich, bitch.

I don’t wear Chic Jeans!

I don’t even know where I can buy them anymore! Maybe I’ll just go out and buy a pair of Bugle Boys instead?

Since tomorrow is Halloween, I wanted to research my all time favorite costume.

Surprisingly, not this one.

Nope, I’m talking about Rose Petal, who I dressed up as a six-year-old in 1985. Rose Petal was pretty cool. She lived in a pail with her pals Sunny Sunflower and Lily Fair in Rose Petal Place and took care of all the other flowers.

I wanted to show you what Rose Petal looked like, in case you forgot. So I google imaged “Rose Petal.”

And guess what the f— came up?

This.

Oh wow.

And this.

Buy me!

And finally this romantic bullsh–.

I’d rather have candy.

I’m all, WHAT THE F—? Did the 1980s never happen? Was the greatest animated movie of all time, Rose Petal Place, never released in 1984? What about its sequel Rose Petal Place: Real Friends? You can’t revise history google!

FINALLY, after modifying my search to “Rose Petal Costume Plastic Mask,” I was able to find what I wanted. Thank you Hillary Buckholtz from Urlesque!

I love the pink on red look.

Doesn’t this picture make you miss the ’80s? These costumes were the greatest! Your mom doesn’t know how to sew? No problem. Just go to CVS and pick up a cheap plastic costume that looks like a picnic table cloth and a mask that could potentially suffocate you! Woohoo!

Moms today are too fancy. I would wear the sh– out of one of these costumes again. Someone please make me a time machine. Okay thanks.