So today is Halloween. Yippie skippie! Because I am so passionate about this pagan holiday, I bought four bags of candy to give out to trick or treaters, and only the good sh–, because I don’t want anyone egging my house: Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Butterfingers, Nestle Crunches, and Hershey Cookies ‘n’ Creme bars.

None of this cheap sh– from my house!

I am pretty democratic when it comes to giving out candy. As long as you try just a little bit, I’ll slip you a piece. Heck, I even offered non-costumed adults a Hershey’s as they passed, just because I’m that kind of person (awesome, in case you were wondering).

HOWEVER, I will admit to being prejudiced against teenagers. If you want candy, fine. I trick or treated till I was 17 so who am I to judge. But I always dressed up. I made an effort. So if you are going to come to my house and you are between the ages of 13-18, you best be wearing a costume!

And if I refuse to bestow you with a piece of candy, DO NOT call me a bald asshole! One, because I’m not. Two, because it is a hate crime. Larry David would agree.