So, I’ve been talking a LOT about Christmas lately. I’ve been all, let’s talk about my favorite Christmas movie, my favorite Christmas special, what 1980s board games I want for Christmas. Blah Blah Blah. I sound so festive!

I love the Jews too! Cutest menorah ever! L’chaim!

Well I’ll let you in on a little secret. I am actually a little morbid: My favorite Christmas song ever is “Ave Maria.”  How is a tune about the Virgin Mary depressing? you ask. What kind of Godless person are you? you  retort. Mary rules!

Well, I say to you, you don’t understand. See, the reason “Ave Maria” is my favorite Christmas song ever is because I saw it in the movie Alive when I was in eighth grade. Even though it was Rated R, my mom bought me a ticket and let me go. At the time I was a HUGE Ethan Hawke fan (it was the ’90s!) and what better actor could there possibly be to play a Uruguayan rugby player who survived a deadly plane crash in the Andes for 72 days in 1972? Josh Hamilton, you say? How about BOTH of them? DONE!

They look more like survivors of a 48 hour bender at an Irish bar, but what do I know.

I imagine if I watched Alive now I would appreciate it in a completely different way. It’s a very powerful and spiritual story. I even read a book in 2006 called Miracle in the Andes: 72 Days on the Mountain and My Long Trek Home by Nando Parrado, the real-life Ethan Hawke. It was amazing.

But back in the 1993 I was all BOOOOOOOYYYYYYSSSSS. So my motives were less than pure. I also really liked to cry in movies, so there was that.

I was SOMEWHAT redeemed by the ending of the movie. The closing scene sweeps over a scene of the Andes and wait . . . what is that? Aaron Neville singing “Ave Maria”? Boom! I found my favorite Christmas song ever. Didn’t matter that the movie was released in January.

And yes, that is John Malkovich being Carlitos Páez. What a great accent!

It’s 12 days till Christmas! Yippie skippie! And don’t worry, I won’t sing that motherf—ing song because it is so lame and long, much like a 7-foot cripple’s leg would be.

Fuuuuuuuudddddgggge!

This means that it is 11 days and change till 8pm Christmas Eve, which means 11 days till my ass will be parked in front of the tv at my parents’ house watching the greatest film of all time for 24 hours straight on TBS. That’s right, I’m talking about A Christmas Story.

I watched A Christmas Story for the first time at Franklin Elementary School in North Andover, Massachusetts when the teachers would pop it in the VCR to shut us up before winter vacation. Oh how I laughed and laughed! There was Flick getting his tongue stuck on a pole (which was very sooth-saying as the actor who played him–Scott Schwartz–later became a porn star), Scut Farkas with his yellow eyes terrorizing the neighborhood kids along with his toadie Grover Dill, and of course a very sexy lamp.

Frag-eee-lay!

Years later the movie still stands the test of time. In fact I probably love it even more! And in tribute I am going to post my favorite scene.

What’s yours?

Hey all!

I am sure you slept very well last night. Me too! I found the cure for insomnia! Just watch the 121212: The Concert for Sandy Relief and you won’t have to count sheep, you will just have to count the hours you have snoozed on both hands because it will have put you in such a deep slumber!

Bert is just upset that Barry Manilow didn’t perform.

While there were a few good moments–Roger Waters being a bang-worthy silver fox for one-I honestly could not understand how you could put on stage The Who, Bruce Springsteen, and The Rolling Stones and make it the equivalent of watching paint dry in Antarctica-in other words boring and uncomfortable at the same time.

However, I did a learn a few things. One, Roger Waters and Richard Gere were separated at birth, as were Alicia Keys and Victoria Beckham, possibly. Examine the evidence below and draw your own conclusions.

She was in an empire state of mind.

I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want: one night with your husband. Okay thanks.

I make ladies comfortably numb with my sexy music skills.

What a pretty man!

YOU DECIDE.

Okay, let’s talk. Lindsay Lohan is in the news a LOT. She does all sorts of crazy things like stealing necklaces, hitting people with cars, and punching psychics at da club. The word “arrested” comes up 6 times in her wikipedia page, “rehab” or “rehabilitation” 31 times, and “probation” 21 times. To put this in perspective, these words only appear 6, 7, and 2 times in Robert Downey, Jr.’s and 2, 8, and 4 in Chuck Sheen’s. And they have 21 years on her. You go girl!

Too bad there is no time machine invented that can go back to 2004 so we can freeze Hot Lindsay and also  save Adriana from being whacked by Silvio on Sopranos.

But let’s be honest, Lindsay Lohan is not the only hot mess of a starlet. Hello, does anyone remember Drew Barrymore? Home girl wrote a goddamn BOOK at age 15 called Little Girl Lost about her trip to rehab at age 13. That’s what a bitch has gotta do when you start going to Studio 54 as a wee one, smoking ciggies at age 9, drinking booze at 11, smoking pot at 12, and snorting coke by 13. Beat that Lindsay!

I begged my mom to buy this for me from Walden Books back in the day.

And Drew’s mama Jaid makes Dina Lohan look like frigging Mary Poppins! Drew legally EMANCIPATED herself from Jaid when she was just 14! Both ladies posed for Playboy within 8 months of each other! Whereas I’m sure Dina will wait a respectable 2 years to follow Lindsay’s cover.

In conclusion, Drew B had it ROUGH and look at her now! At age 37, she’s a successful actress, producer, wife (for the third time!), and new mama. Let’s hold a candle for Lindsay and say a little prayer.

Am I right Dionne Warwick or am I right?

This ain’t right. Rose Byrne took my man, Bobby Cannavale.

Italian and Cuban, just how I like my sandwiches and men!

Even then Bobby has most recently played a crazy psychopath killer named Gyp Rosetti on Boardwalk Empire, I still think he’d be a really cool boyfriend.

He can drive ME to drink!

So thanks for nothing Rose! Needless to say I won’t be a “bridesmaid” at your wedding!

Oh hello, I am in a state of arrested development. Can we go to Tennessee?

I am still thirsty.

Truth be told, I want to go back EARLIER than 1992 when 3 Years, 5 Months & Days in the Life Of . . . was released. I want to return to 1985, and I want my mom to buy me “Peaches ‘n Cream Barbie.”

Pretty as a peach blossom!

What little girl and gay boy did not DREAM that sometime they would frolic around in this peach puff of a dress? I honest to God thought this would be what I wore for prom. Imagine my surprise when frilly taffeta was not IN in 1997. Boo f—ing hoo.

And alas for those who are all, what the flying f— does this have to with TV, just remember that we didn’t have the Internet in those days and I first heard about Peaches ‘N Cream in this very tasteful commercial. Later haterz.

Hey kidz–

So Christmas is around the corner and I want presents! How about the game Noteability?

Let’s jam!

I BEGGED for this game Xmas 1990. There was a mini piano with numbers assigned to each key. You’d pull a card with a song with a bunch of notes/numbers and play it and then your teammate would have to name that tune. It was the Easy-Bake Mini-Wave Oven of instruments!

Anyway, my mom bought Noteability for me, I played it once, then I begged for a REAL piano. They obliged the next year (hello, upper middle class suburbia), I took lessons, and then at my recital I completely butchered “Memory” from Cats so badly that I ran off the stage crying. Today, the piano sits in my parents’ living room, out of tune and unloved.

Memory INDEED!

Well this blows.

I decided to google when my favorite low budget production value Christmas specials were airing this holiday season, and it turns out I missed all of them!

Except for A Charlie Brown Christmas. I DVRed it. But my heart is like that tree. Barren and bare.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer aired on December 4,  and Frosty the Snowman and it’s sequel Frosty Returns aired this past weekend on December 8. Hello, I have stuff to do on Saturday nights because I am a popular person and get invited to parties, like this one!

Keeping it classy, always, by wearing my sports watch with a Velcro strap.

Let’s just hope I’m not too late for Jack Frost.

Sweet, I’m good!

Oh yes there IS a God. And He’s busy! Besides planning a kick ass birthday party for His son in two weeks, He’s also been playing matchmaker to those old lovebirds Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman and now He has gathered all His powers and produced the possibly greatest TV movie OF ALL TIME. Yes, I am talking about The Mistle-Tones which is airing at 8/7c tonight on ABC Family. And this is JUST TWO weeks after Liz & Dick! How does God do it all?

Sister, Donna

Does it even matter what The Mistle-Tones is about? Hell no. What DOES matter who is in this feast for the eyes. Tia Mowry, Tori Spelling, and Reginald VelJohnson. Yes, as in THAT Reginald VelJohnson. The man who played Carl Winslow, awesome dad and cool cop, on the hit series Family Matters.

The bumblebee look is very slimming.

This is turning out to be the best Christmas season ever. Woohoo!