The DVR Files

With Liz & Dick just HOURS away, I am beside myself with excitement. Lindsay Lohan as Elizabeth Taylor? Check please!

Are those white diamonds, Miss Lohan?

It got me thinking, what are some of the other great tv movies that changed your life? Months ago I asked this on Facebook. Now, I was thinking I would get such responses as The Burning Bed, Roots, or Brian’s Song. Nope. None of my friends are apparently that conscientious or concerned with the world. What I DID get was several mentions of Mother, May I Sleep With Danger? and Drew Peterson: Untouchable. Both amazing films, for sure, not necessarily ones I would call life-changing. But then again my personal email address is a Degrassi reference so who am I to judge.

The TV movie that made ME the woman I am today is In the Shadow of Love: A Teen AIDS Story. And yes, it was an ABC Afterschool Special.

This is the only f’ing press photo I can find of this brilliant telepic!

In the Shadow Of Love: A Teen AIDS Story, was first broadcast on September 19, 1991. If you can recall, AIDS was all THE issue in the early 1990s. Ryan White had passed away the year before, everyone wore red ribbons, and less than two months later Magic Johnson would retire from basketball after announcing he had contracted HIV. This movie came along at the right point in my life, when I was a seventh-grade mathlete with zero sex appeal and thus zero chance of getting a STD. But damn, I watched the sh– out of that movie!

Basically, it was about this prissy white girl who befriended a streetwise Latina (of course) as they investigated a story for their high school newspaper on an HIV support group. Turns out Whitey was having unprotected sex with her boyfriend (they used withdrawal, just like all the Catholics who had 18 kids!) who was about to join the Marines or the Army or the Navy (sorry I can’t remember!) but when he went for his physical it turns out HE had HIV! And he passed it onto his girlfriend. Damn.

Things I remember about this movie: Harvey Fierstein, writer of my favorite children’s book The Sissy Duckling, played a counselor; Lisa Vidal who went on to star in The Division with Jo from Facts of Life was the Latina; and they played the song “Policy of Truth” by Depeche Mode in the soundtrack.

I blame this movie for the fear it instilled in me of contracting AIDS and that’s what kept me a virgin for 2 billion years. Not the math team or the glasses. Nosiree.

It’s been a few days but it’s not till now that I can talk about it. My heart is THAT broken.

I am of course talking about the news that Mayim Bialik is divorcing her husband Michael Stone after nine years of marriage.

I guess SOME people prefer their ladies not to wear amazing flower hats.

I guess they won’t be having any of that “big bang” anymore!

While Bialik cites the perennial favorite “irreconcilable differences” as the reason for their split, I can’t help but wonder if she has been influenced by her role of Jodi Funkhauser, onetime lesbian, on Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Okay, I know this is no time to make jokes so forgive my possibly insensitive heading above. I am actually super upset that as of last night one of the most wicked and beloved icons of television has passed on. That’s right, I am talking about Larry Hagman, aka J.R. Ewing, who passed yesterday after a battle with throat cancer. He was 81.

Those eyebrows could still cut a bitch.

Hagman had reprised his legendary role as J.R. Ewing in this year’s well-received reboot of Dallas. It was a hoot to watch him perform. While I was only allowed to watch the 1980s Dallas  to the first commercial back in the day, I was allowed to watch the whole episode this time around, because I am an adult! And it was obvious how much joy Hagman had in playing such an evil villain. He brought a great deal of humor to the role.

It will be interesting to see how the second season of Dallas deals with Hagman’s death. I can’t imagine Dallas without J.R., but I will keep watching out of curiosity.

Goodbye J.R.! I will miss you.

All right, sorry for the long headline, but it’s the TRUTH.

See, this morning I watched the latest episode of the hilarious family sitcom American Horror Story: Asylum. It is such a wholesome heart-warming show!

Everyone needs their vaccinations!

Towards the end of the episode, police officers were called to the scene of a possible murder at the fictionalized Briarcliff Manor. Since the show is currently set in Massachusetts, the cops naturally attempted wicked bad Boston accents.

Except for one detective.

See, this detective was not just anyone, he was a one-time staff photographer for the West Beverly Blaze. He was also like the only black person Brandon Walsh knew during his high school career (well, besides his sister, who was played by Vivica A. Fox).

That’s right, I’m talking about Rondinson Ashe the III.

I miss the hair of 1991.

Rondinson was played by actor Eugene Byrd in September 1991, over 21 years ago. And I remember him so vividly that when I saw him for 3 whole seconds on this week’s AHS:A I immediately looked it up on IMDB.com to confirm that it was indeed him. However–his page hasn’t been updated yet, so I googled and confirmed via his twitter account @vududaddy that he was indeed one of Boston’s finest (or whatever the hell fictionalized town Briarcliff is supposed to be in!).

Eugene has been working steadily since his turn on 90210, including guest roles on Bones, Wilfred, and Daybreak. Heck, I even recognized him ten years ago when he had a key part in 8 Mile with Eminem but I did not have a brilliant blog then to rant and rave about it. Alas, now I do.

Good detective work, DVR Files.

Damn, I cried last night. And not just over the episode of Intervention I watched with Megan H. the heroin addict whose parents were the WORST, though that got me too.

Nope, it was all because Fiona Apple’s dog is dying.

Fiona and her pooch

I first heard about this on People.com (of course) where it was announced that Fiona was postponing her South American tour to take care of her ailing dog Janet. I WILL admit that I MIGHT have rolled my eyes a bit. People and their goddamn pets! I thought to myself. They’re not PEOPLE.

These were the only pets I had growing up, and a turtle names Ali Baba who died like a week after I got him.

And then I read the letter.

And then I cried, and those tears fertilized the cold hard dirt by my heart, and then it blossomed.

I’ve posted the handwritten letter that Fiona scanned to Facebook below (you can also read it at the link above), but here are some of the most touching parts that actually made me cry:

Janet has been the most consistent relationship of my adult life, and that is just a fact . . every time I was heartbroken, or spirit-broken, or just lost, and as years went by, she let me take the role of her child, as I fell asleep, with her chin resting above my head . . . She’s my best friend and my mother and my daughter, my benefactor, and she’s the one who taught me what love is . . Many of us these days, we dread the death of a loved one. It is the ugly truth of Life, that keeps us feeling terrified and alone. I wish we could also appreciate the time that lies right beside the end of time.

I know that I will feel the most overwhelming knowledge of her, and of her life and of my love for her, in the last moments. I need to do my damnedest to be there for that. Because it will be the most beautiful, the most intense, the most enriching experience of life I’ve ever known. When she dies.

So I am staying home, and I am listening to her snore and wheeze, and reveling in the swampiest, most awful breath that ever emanated from an angel.

And I am asking for your blessing.I’ll be seeing you.
Love, Fiona

Damn, Fiona. Thank God I’m not wearing mascara.

Keeping you and Janet in my prayers.

God, who did not LOVE Michael J. Fox in the 1980s? And not just Boof.

He didn’t need to be Teen Wolf to capture HER heart!

Michael was THE star of the decade, battling actors like Ricky Schroder, Ralph Macchio, and Han Solo for my heart. And while he dabbled in movies (Hello Back to the Future and Teen Wolf) the real secret to his success was his breakout role as young Republican Alex P. Keaton in everyone’s favorite family sitcom, Family Ties. Shalalala.

What would we do baby, without Michael J. Fox? I shudder to think. Oops, shouldn’t talk about shuddering and Michael J. at the same time. Too soon?

Don’t tell my heart, my achy breaky heart that Destiny Hope Cyrus–aka Miley!– is turning 20 this week.

Her body is 20, but hair is straight out of a Flock of Seagulls video.

How f—ing depressing. Miley is 1_ years younger than I am, and let’s see what she has accomplished in her two decades that I have yet to achieve:

1) An engagement to a hot Australian

No, not this one.

2) An entry in Wikipedia

3) Possible billionaire status

4) World tours

5) Starring on her own Disney show

In comparison, at age 20 I bought 40s of Pabst Blue Ribbon with my fake ID in Portland, Oregon. As RuPaul says, don’t be jealous of my boogie.

Miley, you actually seem cool, but I don’t even want to hear what you’re going to f—ing do by age 30 because I can’t handle the truth.

Speaking of which, A Few Good Men also turns the big 2-0 this year! Code Red indeed!

I can barely breathe at the thought of Twinkies being banished from the shelves of the grocery store. Granted, I haven’t had a Twinkie is one billion years, but you will have to rip that processed sponge cake out of my cold dead hands!

My favorite Twink!

What will the the kids think? Those below–who are probably my age by now–will be DEVASTATED! Aren’t Twinkies just born that way? They don’t need to go through no manufacturer, they are a gift directly from God, who probably has diabetes by now with all the sugary foods He has created.

One of the greatest things about being an adult is you can buy whatever you want to eat. Ellio’s Pizza for a midnight snack? Pop Tarts for dessert? Cookie Crisp for breakfast? Don’t mind if I do.

Nom nom nom nom.

As a child, however, I had less control over what I ate. Sure, my mom would sometimes buy me Fruity Pebbles, but she’d just as often by fruit salad. Shudder.

One thing we COULD agree on was Cracklin’ Oat Bran. Oh how I loved that cereal from fourth to seventh grade. Sure, you couldn’t get a toy from the box. But the cereal was tasty with its “oat bran flavored with cinnamon and nutmeg,” all in the shape of a squared zero. And the commercials were SO clever that I felt very smart just watching them.

And you totally know I always f—ing ate the last of the Cracklin’ Oat Bran.

Last night I made the mistake of watching American Horror Story before I went to bed. “I can handle this,” I thought to myself. “Bloody Face is for kids.”

Is he Bloody Face? Or is the only thing scary about him is his Boston accent?

Well, sure, possibly. But he’s also for poor innocent woman and crafting lamp shades out of their boobs. And even though I am flat-chested and probably useless to him, I had the willy nillies!

So I decided to cleanse the palate by watching The Amazing Race before I hit the sheets. And then, of course, I realized I wanted to hit the sheets with one of the contestants, Jaymes Vaughan, the Las Vegas Chippendale. Aside from the too cute spelling of his name, Jaymes, along with his teammate James-a fellow Chip-has been one of my all time favorite duos in the history of Amazing Race. They are super positive, nice to cab drivers even when they smoke ciggies and eat pastries, and don’t even yell at each other when they can’t figure out Russian time zones. Sure–I prefer a man with a little hair on his chest–I don’t need him to wax more than I do–but those abs make up for it. Check please!

Jaymes and James! Thank me later.

After the episode–which I won’t spoil because I am NOT that kind of person–I checked out People.com, because I hadn’t been around people much that day. And lo and behold I find yet ANOTHER reason to love Jaymes! He wants to win TAR so he can give the money to his father as he battles cancer. He even started a website call “Forget Cancer Now” where people can make donations. Don’t get me wrong–I don’t want his dad to have an incurable form of cancer, as he unfortunately does. But this just confirms that he is such a kind-hearted person who puts other people first. Swoon.

So Jaymes, you can be my private dancer ANYTIME. Tina Turner would agree!