Last night I made the mistake of watching American Horror Story before I went to bed. “I can handle this,” I thought to myself. “Bloody Face is for kids.”

Is he Bloody Face? Or is the only thing scary about him is his Boston accent?

Well, sure, possibly. But he’s also for poor innocent woman and crafting lamp shades out of their boobs. And even though I am flat-chested and probably useless to him, I had the willy nillies!

So I decided to cleanse the palate by watching The Amazing Race before I hit the sheets. And then, of course, I realized I wanted to hit the sheets with one of the contestants, Jaymes Vaughan, the Las Vegas Chippendale. Aside from the too cute spelling of his name, Jaymes, along with his teammate James-a fellow Chip-has been one of my all time favorite duos in the history of Amazing Race. They are super positive, nice to cab drivers even when they smoke ciggies and eat pastries, and don’t even yell at each other when they can’t figure out Russian time zones. Sure–I prefer a man with a little hair on his chest–I don’t need him to wax more than I do–but those abs make up for it. Check please!

Jaymes and James! Thank me later.

After the episode–which I won’t spoil because I am NOT that kind of person–I checked out People.com, because I hadn’t been around people much that day. And lo and behold I find yet ANOTHER reason to love Jaymes! He wants to win TAR so he can give the money to his father as he battles cancer. He even started a website call “Forget Cancer Now” where people can make donations. Don’t get me wrong–I don’t want his dad to have an incurable form of cancer, as he unfortunately does. But this just confirms that he is such a kind-hearted person who puts other people first. Swoon.

So Jaymes, you can be my private dancer ANYTIME. Tina Turner would agree!