Miley Cyrus in 20 Years Old, and So are My First Pair of Glasses. Whoopdee F—ing Doo.

Don’t tell my heart, my achy breaky heart that Destiny Hope Cyrus–aka Miley!– is turning 20 this week.

Her body is 20, but hair is straight out of a Flock of Seagulls video.

How f—ing depressing. Miley is 1_ years younger than I am, and let’s see what she has accomplished in her two decades that I have yet to achieve:

1) An engagement to a hot Australian

No, not this one.

2) An entry in Wikipedia

3) Possible billionaire status

4) World tours

5) Starring on her own Disney show

In comparison, at age 20 I bought 40s of Pabst Blue Ribbon with my fake ID in Portland, Oregon. As RuPaul says, don’t be jealous of my boogie.

Miley, you actually seem cool, but I don’t even want to hear what you’re going to f—ing do by age 30 because I can’t handle the truth.

Speaking of which, A Few Good Men also turns the big 2-0 this year! Code Red indeed!

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