Poor Joe Manganiello, the guy who plays the werewolf Alcide on True Blood. He will probably never get to date me.

He’s perplexed and upset too.

Granted, there are many reasons why he SHOULD date me. We’re both Catholic. I’m age appropriate for him. I know how to spell his last name without looking it up. Perfect match, you’d think.

BUT there are several things getting in the way of our potential wedding. Let’s investigate.

Joe is always bragging that he’s Sicilian. In the print version of People Magazine’s Hollywood’s Hottest Bachelors! issue, Manganiello boasts:

I am part Sicilian. I am passionate. I am a hot-blooded person. If you don’t like spicy, then maybe I’m not for you.

Insert eye roll here.

I like spicy, Joe. I put Tabasco on my scrambled eggs every morning! Actually, right now it’s Trappey’s Red Devil because that sh– was on sale at Key Food. But honestly, how can you tell me you are always on fire if you don’t remove all the hair from your chest? Does not compute.

The only person I trust with a chest that waxed is Eric Northman.

Another reason why Joe and I probably won’t date is because of his ideal woman. He explains to People that he digs “Girls that do squats. I love a butt.”

Well . . . sounds good so far. I do squats at CrossFit (#ConceitedBrag) and I have a butt . . . .

He continues:

Sofia Vergara, that’s it. She’s got that Latin thing going. She’s got the butt, she’s got curves, she’s got a beautiful face, beautiful hair, just gorgeous. And she’s feisty!

Curves? I don’t see any curves.

Now he’s just being greedy.

All this being said, IF Joe decides to ask me out, I will say yes because he’s rich and I could use a free meal. So Joe totally call me.