Why Isn’t There a Real Housewives of the Merrimack Valley? WHY???

In case you were wondering, I am a really popular person. I’ve got like 18 billion friends on Facebook, and that’s only counting people from MAINE. You don’t even want to HEAR how many folks love me in China! (Hint–it’s a LOT. As in more STDs than Paris Hilton has meds for).

You think I treat this lollipop well? Just wait till you see what I can with a ---

You think I treat this lollipop well? Just wait till you see what I can do with a — ! 

Oh Paris BEHAVE. I know you are still upset that NO ONE talks about your sex tape anymore. It’s always Kim, Kim, Kim!

But I digress. So one of the closest of my 1.38 trillion friends is a really swell and talented guy, Paul W. Downs.  Paul, along with another cool cat I know named Lucia Aniello (why yes I DO name drop, thankyouverymuch), writes, produces and stars in a series of wacky and amazing videos under the name Paulilu. While all their sketches are brilliant, perhaps the one that hits closet to home (besides Ghost Tits costarring Olivia Munn) is The Real Housewives of South Boston.

Can someone pick me up a six pack of Coors from Jackie’s Packie on Route 34?

Now–I did not grow up in Southie. I was raised 35 miles away in a mystical land called North Andover, part of a beautiful region called the Merrimack Valley. In the Valley, you can eat delicious roast beef sandwiches at Harrison’s, you can buy Girl Scout cookies at a dive bar in Salisbury Beach, and you can shop for bargains at Building 19 in Haverhill. It’s pretty much heaven on Earth.

Yes, that IS a menu of Jello Shots you see!

Yes, that IS a menu of Jello Shots you see . . .

Money can't buy you class, but $20 CAN get you 5 boxes of Girl Scout cookies.

. . . Right next to the Girl Scout cookies a sweet sixth grader was selling at a dive bar. L’chaim!

Now, for those of you not familiar with the Valley, it would make an EXCELLENT setting for a Real Howives series. We have just the right amount of high/low to make it spicy!

For example . . . in North Andover there is a fancy high class grocery store called Butcher Boy located just one mile away from a whore house a woman used to run on nearby Bonny Lane a decade ago! I wonder which one has the better sausage? Zing! I’ll keep them coming people. (But wait . . . that’s what the Madam said, and she’s out of business. Zing again!)

And while the plebeians of the Merrimack Valley get their foodstuffs at local chain Market Basket (formerly known as DeMoulas for all ye old timers out there), those yuppies of Andover buy their produce at the wicked overpriced Whole Foods.

Anyway–between the grocery wars, prostitution, and classy beach bars, I think the Valley is RIPE for a tv show.

Any volunteers? I’ll be casting at the end of the month!

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One Response to Why Isn’t There a Real Housewives of the Merrimack Valley? WHY???

  1. Pingback: Yes I AM (Someone with Terrible Taste if I Want a Bud Light in a Limo!) | The DVR Files

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