One of the best things about the holidays is the drinking!!! Oh it’s fun. As I mentioned yesterday I’m super popular so I was invited to like a million and one parties so that meant I had like a million and one hangovers because I drank a LOT of Carlo Rossi.
Kidding, folks, kidding! I am over the age of 19 and not in college so I don’t drink jug wine anymore!
As a preferred guest of nearly every affair in New York and beyond, I was treated very, very well wherever I went. As in, I drank microbrews and non-Charles Shaw Trader Joe wine EVERYWHERE. Now, lest you think I am a snob, let me assure you that I do imbibe the cheap sh– when I am paying for it myself. But if someone else besides moi is footing the bill, you best BELIEVE I’m going top shelf.
So that’s why today I am seriously doubting the authenticity of one of my all time favorite commercials. You might remember it, say, when you are at baggage check at the airport and you need to wait in the long ass line for the cabs or heck if you’re REALLY slumming it the bus. You just want to go home, and then you see a chauffeur holding a sign. It says Galazkiewicz. Your last time is Smith but you’re all, f— it, I’m tired! “Gallaweekich?” you announce with a wee bit of trepidation because your Polish pronunciation was never any good, even though your favorite movie is An American Tail and Fievel Mouskewitz was your jam (and yes, I know he was a Russian-Jewish mouse, but Poland and Russia are somewhere out there in Eastern Europe so they all sound the same to me.). “You mean Dr. Galakawitz?” the driver asks. “Yes I am!” you declare.
But here’s the thing . . . you get to live as a high roller for all of the ten minutes that it takes you to get from LaGuardia airport to your duplex apartment in Astoria, Queens . . . and you drink a f—ing Bud Light??? Really??? You don’t ask for, say, a bottle of Cristal champagne, or heck, even just a nice cold one of Sam’s Seasonal? You are THAT low budget that you ask for a Bud Light??? Why not a Milwaukee’s Best then, or a Natty Light. Hell, you’re so fancy pants, let’s just SPRAY the borough of Brooklyn with a case of PBR tallboys? The hipsters would love that!
On the bright side, at LEAST his last name is not Koojooewskee!
Oh wait . . . .