Hey all! I’m baaaack! Don’t you feel better? I wish I did, truth be told. I was out way too late last night and yes, there was drinking involved.

It’s always 5 o’clock somewhere!

One of the great things about being exhausted/hungover (sorry Mom) on a beautiful day is that instead of enjoying the outdoors, you sit down on your couch watching TV. Wonderful world we live in, isn’t it? My DVR is under 10% for the first time, well, ever, and I’ve moved onto watching Downton Abbey DVDs from the library. LOVE IT by the way. But that’s not what we’re going to talk about.

No, what we are going to talk about is God. Let’s just pretend we get to be Him for a day. And Our special power is that We get to resurrect one character from an HBO show who died. They could have been murdered, killed in a car accident, died of old age. Whatevs, We’re God! We can do what We want.

Let’s discuss who We’d save.

Adriana La Cerva from The Sopranos

Christofuh!

Nine years after it first aired, just thinking about Adriana’s murder still makes me upset. Ad confessed to Christofuh that she was a mole for the FBI, and after nearly strangling her to death he ended up telling Silvio, who then concocted a story that Christofuh attempted suicide and he was going to take her to the hospital. Instead, Silvio pulled his car over in secluded woods and shot Adriana as she tried to flee on her hands and knees. We didn’t actually SEE her get shot, so at first there was speculation that maybe she didn’t die. When we realized that yes, she was dead, we were comforted by the fact that Drea de Matteo, the  actress who played Adriana, was going to be on the show Joey. How’s that for a nice pleasant Sunday. Now I’m depressed. Let’s move on.

Keith Charles from Six Feet Under

Man in blue

Six Feet Under has perhaps the best ending of any TV show, period. Six Feet, which was set in a family-owned and operated funeral home, concluded by revealing how all of the main characters passed away in the future. In a six and a half minute sequence featuring the song “Breathe Me” by Sia, we learn that Claire and Ruth and David and others got to live long lives, but poor Keith’s life was cut tragically short when he was shot to death by armed robbers while he was unloading his security truck in 2029. In 2044, David Fisher, Keith’s true love, passed away after seeing a young and healthy Keith in a vision. Heartbreaking. Still makes me cry every time.

Ned Stark from Game of Thrones

I miss you Ned.

Game of Thrones is like a medieval version of The Sopranos to me in that I accept that I never quite understand who the hell is who, what’s going on, who’s evil, etc, etc. That said, both shows are thoroughly enjoyable shows filled with violence and cool nudity. What is NOT cool, however, is when evil (and false) King Joffrey ordered beloved dad Ned Stark to be beheaded in front of his daughter Sansa. What a jerk!

Augustus Hill from Oz

He never got “lost” in prison!

Depressed yet? Let’s keep it going.

Oz aired from 1997 to 2003, though I didn’t start watching it till 2008. It is one of the absolute BEST shows ever, but it is hard to watch. Set in a maximum security prison, every week someone either gets raped, murdered, or both. I can never watch this show at night because it gives me nightmares. It has also prevented me from living a life of crime, because I do NOT want to go to prison, so I guess there is some good.

At any rate, Augustus Hill, portrayed by actor Harold Perrineau, was paralyzed from the waist down after falling from a roof after he murdered a police officer. Sentenced to life in prison, he got sober and was the moral center and heart of the show.  During the fifth season, he relapsed on drugs and there was a big fight between the Homeboys, Latinos, and Italians about the drug trade. Augustus was stabbed when he stopped Frank Urbano from attacking his father figure Burr Redding. As he died, he told McManus that he could feel his legs. So sad.

Leo Funkhouser from Curb Your Enthusiam

Let’s be honest–Leo was not really that important, even though he was Marty Funkhouser’s dad. He died of Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, which Larry cannot understand because isn’t that the good Hodgkin’s, like what Charlie from Party of Five had?

So everyone, since We’re God, who are We going to save? This is a REALLY tough decision. But I am going to have to go with Ned Stark. See, as much as Adriana’s murder haunts me, she wasn’t exactly a model citizen. And Keith was really awesome but at least he got to live to be 60ish. Leo Funkhouser also lived a long life filled with golfing. And sorry to say Augustus was stuck in prison anyway and it was inevitable he’d get killed because everyone on Oz always does. Ned, on the other hand, could have saved Westeros if he were alive (Is that even the name of the kingdom? I always get confused, remember?). There wouldn’t be all this fighting in all the lands and everyone would be happy. Damn Ned I miss you.

All right now go back to being normal people. You’re not God anymore.