Tonight is the Academy Awards, an evening where the Hollywood crowd pats themselves on their backs while conducting a giant circle jerk just for doing their job, which is making movies. Whoop de do. I don’t see any award ceremonies televised about the top sales people at the Gap, but what are you gonna do.

These girls totally would have won all of the awards. Google “SNL Gap” you young freaks who don’t get this reference.

But let’s be f—ing honest, tonight is going to be sadder than most Academy Awards and not just because they are going to make us watch montages of the most depressing scenes with the worst Boston accents from Manchester by the Sea. Nope, it’s going to be sad because this morning it was announced that actor Bill Paxton died last night due to complications following heart surgery!

No! My heart will not go on!

Bill was one of those actors who was in pretty much everything in the 1990s. Well, either him, Bill Pullman, or Jeff Daniels. I always got those guys confused! In addition to his high profile role in Titanic, he appeared in one of my favorite indie movies The Last Supper and the excellent morality tale/thriller A Simple Plan. He will be missed.

So while I am broken-hearted, hopefully Celine Dion can make us feel better. I’ll never let go Bill.