My dear readers, since the Emmys are beginning in about 5 minutes, and since I procrastinated, we’re cramming them all in this essay. Get ready!

We’re doing this Road Runner style! Beep beep!

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series

Who I Want to Win: Fred Armisen as Various Characters, Portlandia

Who Will Win: Tony Hale as Gary Walsh, Veep. I’d be fine with that. Just don’t let Adam Driver win. Sure’s sexy in a really awkward way, but he’s too f—ing weird on the show.

Though he was a Marine in real life so that’s hot.

Outstanding Writing for a Comedy Series

Who I Want to Win: “Optical Tip-to-Tip Efficiency” on Silicon Valley. It was about jerking off the most people at once. Yup.

It’s Bill from Freaks and Geeks! Still a geek!

Who Will Win: “So Did the Fat Lady” on Louie

Outstanding Directing for a Comedy Series

Who I Want to Win: “Elevator, Part 6” on Louie

Who Will Win: “Vegas” on Modern Family

Outstanding Comedy Series

Who I Want to Win: Louie

Who Will Win: Modern Family. Let’s be f—ing honest with ourselves.

Outstanding Leading Actress in a Miniseries or Movie

Who I Want to Win: Allison Tolman as Deputy Molly Solverson, Fargo. But she wasn’t nominated. Booooo.

If I’m ever murdered, hire this fierce bitch to find my killer.

Who Will Win: Helena Bonham Carter as Elizabeth Taylor, Burton and Taylor. America loves British people.

Outstanding Leading Actor in a Miniseries or Movie

Who I Want to Win: Martin Freeman as Lester Nygaard, Fargo

Who Will Win: Mark Ruffalo as Ned Weeks, The Normal Heart

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Miniseries or Movie

Who I Want to Win: Allison Tolman as Deputy Molly Solverson, Fargo. Uh, I feel stupid (see above). But she was a leading actress in this show!

Who Will Win: Ellen Burstyn as Olivia, Flowers in the Attic. Just because it is amazing that she got nominated for this!

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Miniseries or Movie

Who I Want to Win: Tom Hank’s son in Fargo.

Who Will Win: Someone from The Normal Heart. Matt Bomer?

I’ll come back for more after these messages!