The DVR Files

Let’s pretend you exist in a world where high school was fun because boys asked you out like all the time. In fact, you had your choice of prom dates because soooo many handsome young men thought you were gorge, instead of having your mom have to call in a favor to her best friend to beg her son who went to a different high school 100 miles away to go with you.

I was clearly the former.

So in this world you get to buy whatever prom dress you want. The catch? It HAS to be something that an awesome actress wore on TV. Movies shown on basic cable count. Let’s discuss.

1) Kelly Taylor and Brenda Walsh, Beverly Hills, 90210

Turn those frowns upside down, bitches!

This is a very beautiful early 1990s number that you could probably buy off the rack at JC Penney’s. Its simple black and white color scheme will not distract from the REAL events of the Spring Dance: being crowned Spring Queen (Kelly) or losing your virginity to Dylan (Brenda).

2) Cinderella, Cinderella

This ice queen looks hot as hell!

You REALLY wanted to go with a pink dress your friends made you, but your evil stepsisters destroyed it so you were all, I need some divine intervention to help a sister out. Fairy godmother, are you there? And poof! Home girl hooked you up with this fancy piece that shows off your cleavage AND makes you look classy and royal. Score!

3) Andie Walsh, Pretty in Pink

Well, interesting in pink, I’d say.

You’re the creative, artsy type and also a big fan of The Golden Girls, so it’s only natural that you asked yourself “What Would Dorothy Zbornak Do?” if she were going to the prom. She would do this, I’m sure, though maybe with flesh-covered shoulder pads.

So what’s it going to be? Are you getting your dress from the mall, through divine channels, or are you making it yourself?

Let’s just hope your date is as fun as Duckie.

Confesh: I am tardy to the party with Downton Abbey. SO EMBARRASSING. I just started watching a month ago because my parents would not. stop. talking. about. it. Granted, they also can’t stop talking about Two And a Half Men so take that as you will.

There is no accounting for taste.

That said, Downton Abbey is awesome. I just finished watching the second season and (spoiler alert) the youngest sister Sybil ran off to marry the help. How progressive!

I get it.

And then today when I logged into my trust bible–people.com–I saw a jpeg of a modern day Lady Sybil Crawley and chauffeur Tom Branson:

That’s Heidi Klum and her boyfriend Martin Kirsten who also HAPPENS to be her bodyguard. Oh snap!

Klum must also really like Downton Abbey.

Confesh: I didn’t watch American Idol this season, though I did DVR it. Since it debuted in the summer of 2002, I’ve caught a few seasons here and there. Well, to be honest, I only watched the auditions. Once they got good, it wasn’t fun anymore.

Who can forget The Hotness?

That said, the sixth season stands out for being the People’s American Idol. The year was 2007*, and an adorable little teen wandered onto the audition stage with his sister. His name was Sanjaya. Who cares about his sis.

So happy together.

They both made it to Hollywood, Sis was cut, Sanjaya REIGNED even while being disparaged constantly by Mr. Simon Cowell before finally being eliminated in seventh place. He also gave us this:

There is a God.

So where the hell is Sanjaya now?

Well, he had a busy career immediately following Idol. He released two albums, starred on I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here, and penned an autobiography–at age 19–called, wait for it, Dancing to the Music in My Head: Memoirs of the People’s Idol.

You can buy a new copy on Amazon for only $1.40!

But things haven’t been great for Sanjaya the past couple of years. But they’re great for ME. Why? Well, apparently Sanjaya is working as a bartender in Queens, where I live. Oh hello. I guess I will be going on a borough-wide pub crawl. Who’s coming with?

Sanjaya–when I find you–I will play all your songs on the jukebox. Deal?

*Well, it AIRED in 2007–actually occurred on September 19, 2006. Tomayto, tomahto.

Remember when MTV used to show videos, and they were actually cool? Ah, those were the days.

I bet the kidz today don’t even know the song “Sledgehammer.” Blasphemy!

I am going to assume the tide started turning when I graduated from high school, because that’s when I stopped watching MTV. But then as a sophomore in college, I was visiting New York City over winter break. My friend Michelle and my sister Katie and I wound up outside the studio for Total Request Live with Carson Daly (and guess what, it is totally not live) and I requested the song “Hard Knock Life” by Jay-Z because I had lived a life of hard knocks in the upper middle class suburbs. Another young girl near me requested a song called “…Baby One More Time” by some chick named Britney Spears. Who was she?

She was that innocent.

At any rate–our show was supposed to be on within the next couple of days so I had my VCR set to record TRL. And then . . . they didn’t show my request. But they did show Britney!

And life has never been the same since.

Tori Spelling needs to learn to come out of her shell. After all, the public needs to know what the star of Craft Wars, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and Mistle-tones is doing these days because we really, really care.

When did the ponies become such coquettes?

Well, what do you know? Her PR team just sent a press release to People Magazine about a super important issue that demands our attention IMMEDIATELY. Hmmm . . . is Tori pregnant again? Or maybe she is making a major donation to a charity? Please, people. Those things are for plebes. Nope, Tori’s announcement is WAY more earth-shattering. Are you ready? Brace yourself.

Tori’s husband Dean McDermott bought her a very tacky ring to celebrate the 20th year since Donna Martin graduated their seventh wedding anniversary.

It even spins!

Want to gag even more? Okay, then! The ring designer Neil Lane explains:

Tori and Dean are so interconnected and she is, literally and spiritually, the world to him. I wanted to make a sphere, a world all in diamonds. To make it sexy, a little Hollywood with a bit of a vintage feel, I put diamonds in it and the spinning movement represents how their worlds revolve around each other.

Let’s put this sh– in perspective. Tori and Dean are one of those couples who renew their vows every year. Know who else did that? Heidi Klum and Seal. No more words, your honor.

I am by no means on some moral high ground, but Tori and Dean’s relationship has always struck me as just a TAD tacky. After all, both parties were married to different people when they met on the set of the Lifetime movie Mind Over Murder (of course they did). Fine, they fell in love. Go retreat back into your corner and just chill out for a while. But no, Tori and Dean pulled an LeAnn Rimes/Eddie Cibrian before there even WAS a LeAnn Rimes/Eddie Cibrian and constantly had to state how much in love they were. We love each other! they’d shout from the rooftops. We love each other! they’d shout from the basements. We love each other! they’d shout from whatever reality show they were filming on Oxygen.

So now that it’s seven years of marriage, let’s see if the itch begins. Yes, I’m a terrible person.

But come on, we all know that 1) Tori bought that ring with her own money because how can Dean afford such beauty when one of his only gigs in the past is Santa Baby 2: Christmas Maybe and 2) He really got that ring to celebrate the 20 years since Donna Martin graduated.

You always hear people say 50 (or 60, 55, 40, 35, 33, etc) is the new 30. Look at Demi Moore! Look at Cindy Crawford! Look at a bunch of beautiful women who made their career being beautiful women look beautiful! How shocking that they look good!

This is the Demi I will always love. Say ditto if you agree.

But then there is the other school of young ladies who want to look old.

For example, 18-year-old Courtney Stodden aspires to be a washed up 45-year-old Vegas cocktail waitress–off the strip, of course–who calls all her customers “dolls” when she’s not off smoking Newports.

Made in a plastic surgeon’s office in America!

20-year-old Selena Gomez takes her style cues from 53-year-old Marie Osmond.

Yup.

And let’s not forget the grand name of aging prematurely, our home girl Lindsay Lohan. Just 26, she embodies what an Oompa Loompa would look like as a bottle blonde female in the 21st Century.

To be fair, those cheek implants are probably young.

Me? I don’t care how old I look (though it’s 25, if you’re wondering) as long as I can always be young at heart.

Weeeee!

Just call me Judas Iscariot.

No, I didn’t kiss Jesus Christ so I could collect 30 silver coins. I did something far, far worse.

I missed watching the Bruins last night.

They’re pissed at me too.

This was a game that should not have been missed for various reasons. One, the Bruins are a Boston team and I’m from Boston (Sort of. I’m from the suburbs. Tomayto, tomahto.). Two, it was game 7 of Round 1 of the NHL Playoffs. Three, they overcame a two goal deficit in the last 1:22 to tie the game and then defeated the Toronto Maple Leafs in overtime sudden death to capture a berth in Round 2 of the Playoffs where they will compete against the New York Rangers.

And WHY did I miss watching the game?

Oh, because my friend invited me to go to a bar. And not just any bar, one of those artsy wine ones where they have no tv but plenty of olives and Italian meats I can’t pronounce.

To be fair–I didn’t actually KNOW the game was on–for some reason I thought it was supposed to be tonight. So last night as I was sipping some yuppie microbrew, I checked my Iphone. All my Boston friends were posting things such as “All you fair weather fans will turn on your TV now!” or “This is so exciting!” or “Patrice Bergeron is hot in person and on the ice!”

What was going on? Was there some kind of Ice Capades exhibition event where the Bruins were showing off their figure skating skills with dancing bears?

Nope, it was Game 7.

And this is where you can really say to me “Et tu, Brute?” A devout moral person would have paid for her beer and ran home to watch the game. A devout moral person would tell her friends, “Sorry, I’ve got priorities.”

Did I do those things? Nope. I got a second beer, because my friends told me they were ordering a pizza and I didn’t even have to chip in!

Pizza and beer trumped hockey. Wow. Now I’m going to hell where they will show me the clip below for eternity. “See what you missed?” Lucifer will say to me. “Don’t you want to be on the cold ice now? Instead you are going to burn baby burn!” And I will agree with him.

I am sorry I have shamed you Boston.

Hey all–

Let’s just say a fictional HBO character could adopt you. Oh, and they have to be evil. Who would it be?

Tywin Lannister

Or

Livia Soprano

This is a tougher question than you’d think. I imagine your first thought is Tywin, duh. He’s rich, he’ll pay all your debts, you’ll be related to the king, blah blah blah. HOWEVER, if you’re a dwarf, he’ll blame you for killing your mother/his wife during childbirth, even though it wasn’t on purpose.

Livia, on the other hand, doesn’t have too many redeeming qualities. She’ll tell you you look like her cousin Cakey after he got a lobotomy, and she may order a hit on you if you are seeing a psychiatrist. The plus side, however, is that she’s senile and near death, so you may get a bit of an inheritance.

What’s your poison?

Let’s be honest here. I am sure Beyonce is a nice person. I want to be her friend. She’s rich and pretty and can buy anything she wants. How awesome is that!

Even without makeup she looks good. Bitch.

However, there are a few things that annoy me about her. One, the accent in her name, and not only because I don’t know how to type it. See, she has it over the second “e” in her name, which indicates that you’d pronounce it Be-yon-SAY. But how many people do you know call her that? No one. We all say Be-YON-say. Ugh. If you’re going to pretend you’re French, Bee, at least get the spelling right.

Now, a couple of the other things that bug me about her is how she will never admit that Jay-Z is her husband. We get it, you’re pretending to be private! But come on, who wouldn’t be proud to call a man that says he has 99 problems but a b#$%& ain’t one her betrothed! What a hard knock life you lead.

This last part is where I’m spreading unfounded gossip. What a jerk face I am! At any rate–remember about a year and a half ago when Beyonce and Jessica Simpson were preggers at the same time? Jessica was expecting for what felt like 10 years, which made think she was going to give birth to a manatee (I hear they have long gestation periods). On May 1, 2012, however, she gave birth to a daughter named Maxwell Drew.

Beyonce announced HER pregnancy in August of 2011, in the most subtle way possible: at the 2011 MTV Video Music Awards in front of 12.4 million viewers. And then before you knew it, Blue Ivy came along in January!

I will admit she is very darn cute!

Don’t get me wrong. Blue Ivy is ADORABLE and I am sure Beyonce and Jay-Z love her more than anything in the world. But the pregnancy always felt just a tad suspicious. Be never seemed to gain that much weight. She rented out a whole floor of the hospital. It’s enough for a conspiracy theorist to go hmmmmmm.

And now there are rumors that Beyonce could be pregnant AGAIN! But as usual, she won’t confirm them. Her tour finishes up in August so some people say she’ll wait till then to hire a baby carrier  get knocked up. Who the heck knows? But we should start the countdown now to the 2013 MTV Video Music Awards which are in Brooklyn in August. She just MIGHT have a big announcement….

I’m still always surprised Prince Harry turned out to be the hot one.

Prince Will showed such promise.

But life is full of twists, like Honey Boo Boo’s successful career at age 7.

This child is worth 800 times what I am. Sigh.

And now Prince Harry is going to be in New York City this week, and People Magazine asked where he should go hang out.

Yummmmm.

They suggested a few trendy places like Beauty & Essex and Bounce Sporting Club, but I have a better idea. Just come over to my apartment! I have a nice bottle of scotch as well as a few beers. And then we can make a beautiful red-headed child together. Woohoo!

Thoughts?